Unthinkable

March***Part 4

"Oh, is it just us tonight?" Relieved, I slip into the front seat of Penny's Volvo — the 'Silver Bullet.'

"No, we still have to pick Jake up. He's running late."

What's that saying about sucking all the air out of the room?

"Cool." Long pause. Loooooooong pause. "How come you picked me up first?"

"I wanted to talk to you." Cut right to the chase, why don't ya, Pen? No mincing words. "What's going on with you guys?"

"Me and Jake. Nothing. Nothing's going on, why?"

"Yeah, nothing is right. Why aren't you speaking to him?"

Oh. That.

And with that, the dam breaks and it all comes flooding out. Everything. Every word that Shannon said. Everything about the sex. Every crazy thought that's run through my head in the last week. Every fear I have. Every insistence that I would NOT sleep with him. Bedknobs. Broomsticks. You name it. Every everything.

Not the Rucci part. That I keep to myself. These are two separate issues. No one needs to know about that.

"Look, you know that Shannon likes attention." Understatement of the year. Penny continues, spelling it all out for me, "And she used to get a lot of Jake's attention..."

Okay... and your point? "They still hang out all the time," I remind her.

"Well, Jake's been kinda focused on someone else lately. Or haven't you noticed." Point taken. I may be oblivious, but I'm not that oblivious, Pen. "She's jealous. She's making up stories."

"Does she like him?" If she likes him, she's had ample time to do something about it. And she's not exactly shy about liking sex. She can have all his attention if all he wants is sex!

"Who knows? Who cares?" The look on Penny's face clearly states 'don't change the subject,' "We are talking about you and Jake."

I don't know what to believe any more. "Are they just stories?"

She abruptly pulls over, cuts the ignition and spins to face me. 'Real Talk with Penelope.' When I'm not the guest star, I love this show.

"You are right, he's not a virgin. He slept with Megan, that girl from boarding school. He did. And he told me it was the biggest mistake he'd ever made. But that's it. Whatever else Shan told you — all just stories."

"What about Mandy?" Pen's exasperated, but I can't help myself. Oh, don't look at me like that. "Mandy sleeps with everyone, and it is well known they went out last semester."

"Nope, never slept with her. Went out a couple times, but they never had sex. Shocker of all shockers, it turns out Mandy isn't all that interesting."

Penny looks directly at me, making sure I pay attention as she spells it out. "Listen, you are all he's talked about for weeks. Trust. I'm sick of talking about you."

She's never lied to me. Ever. But what am I supposed to believe here.

I'm nauseous.

"He really likes you. Really." She puts a hand on my knee to stop it from bouncing, "And, it's driving him crazy. He's freaking out that he did something. He doesn't understand why you are avoiding him. I spent all night last night on the phone with him, talking him off the ledge. He's had a crush on you for a while now but he didn't do anything about last semester because of the Rucci stuff."

The Rucci stuff. I'm never going to escape the Rucci stuff. Oh Pen, if only you knew there's more Rucci stuff.

"Sammy, do you like Jake?" I feel my face contorting in a million different directions. Yes. No. Maybe. I'm not sure. I have to pee. Do I like him? Maybe. Yeah, maybe. Let's stick with maybe.

She continues, not waiting for my answer her, "If you like him — you need to talk to him. Soon." She's right. "And if you aren't sure, you should probably tell him that too."

The Silver Bullet sputters back to life and we are on our way to his house. A block away, from their houses, as we wait at the light, "Can you get your shit together before we pick him up?" She's cautiously optimistic.

Yes, yes, I can suck it up. Get it together, Sam. Thank god we are just going to a movie and we don't have to talk.

Sure, I can suck it up. It's only a movie. I'll be fine. I'm so confused. If all he wants is sex, he's not getting it from me. If that's what he wants he can get it from Melanie or Mandy or one of the 400 members of his harem. I'm not that kind of girl. I mean I want a boyfriend and I'll probably have sex someday, hopefully before college, but we aren't even dating. That's right! We aren't even dating. What am I worried about?

We pull up in front of Jake's house. How did we make it across town that fast? Penny reaches across into the backseat to open the door, and the hinges squeal like a wounded pig. The Silver Bullet is old and sometimes her joints hurt. Of course, the Silver Bullet is a lady. Oh... I totally just got that. Dirty, Pen.

At that moment, as the door snaps me out of my head, I see him. He popped out from around the side of the house and his gaze is locked on me. Shit, he's hot.

My palms are sweaty, my throat is closing. My heart is racing.

Penny asks again, "Are you sure you can do this?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." I'll be fine. Yup. No problem. I got this. She's not fooled at all.

With unexpected agility, Jake slips his 6'4" body into the cramped backseat of the Volvo, amidst piles of scripts, dance shoes and Ani DiFranco CDs. I yank on the bar under the seat to slide it up. It won't budge.

"Hey," Penny says casually, as she shifts into gear.

"Hey. Thanks for swinging back to get me. I really needed a shower. Hey Sammy."

"No prob," she notes. Waiting patiently for me to say something.

Anything.

Penny side-eyes me, imploring me to say something. "Hey Jake." See! Totally cool. I'm betrayed by my nervous tapping on the door handle.

And we all settle into the awkward

I can feel Penny shooting daggers at me with her eyes. I plead back that I am trying.

I am trying. Really. I am trying to summon something. Anything. Something... just not all of it at once. My head is spinning. My lips are moving, it's just that nothing is coming out.

Just when I'm certain opening the door and jumping out is the answer, the universe, courtesy of Mix 98.5, on the car radio, throws me a bone. The first strains of "Hotel California" break through the chaos in my brain.

"Oh man, I love this song," as I lunge for the volume knob and crank it to Rathskeller level.

As I lean back, I catch Jake's eye in the rearview mirror. Those eyes, those big, sad eyes.

"I know you do." Jake winks back.

Gulp.

Fine. Maybe I like him.

***

The Rathskeller, The Rat: Legendary Boston live music venue. Dimly lit, a touch sketchy, and you should never use the bathroom. But, it's considered the "granddaddy" of Boston rock venues. RIP.

Author's Note:  How do we feel about Jake?  Is Sammy ready to face what's coming?