Unthinkable

August***Part 7

Dear Jesse —

So much has happened since I last wrote. Jake and I broke up. For real.

It was really tough... but I know I made the right decision.

Since then, I've mostly just hanging out with just Shiv and Penny. I don't want to deal with the rest of them.

The A-Team doesn't understand why we broke up. As far as they are concerned, he's so hot and amazing. And I'm an idiot for letting him go. Shiv even told me that she overheard them debating the appropriate amount of time to wait before asking him out. I'm surprised they waited at all.

Whatever.

Jake's called a couple times. He's not doing really well with things. At first he said he understood why I had to break up with him. But he doesn't understand why we can't get back together. Lately, he thinks that I must have been lying to him about how much I loved him. Because if I truly loved him as much as I said I did, I wouldn't be able to let him go.

He's been leaving me notes. Trying to convince me to give him another chance.

Telling me that he's changed. Telling me that I can trust him. That he's not the monster I've made him out to be.

I'm not really doing great either. But I guess I'm doing better than Jake. I just don't know how we got here. One minute I'm living a high school fairy tale, dating the hot new guy, and the next thing I know I'm starring in a very special episode of "Saved by the Bell," you know the ones, where the actors come out at the end and talk about how this wasn't real, but if you are experiencing this, call this hotline. A cautionary tale.

How did I get here? How did it happen? I'm not that girl. I'm not the girl who falls in love with an abusive guy? Is this an abusive relationship? I mean, he never actually hit me. He did almost choke me with tiramisu. He never trusted me.

Today's note just said, "I can't live without you in my life." Which kinda makes me sick to my stomach. He better not...

I can't get back together with him. I'm sick to my stomach thinking about how much I miss him. But I can't. I just can't.

I feel like I'm going crazy. I don't want anyone else to know what happened. I'm ashamed I didn't see it coming. I'm so stupid. I can't believe I fell for his whole act in the first place. This has not been the fantasy they all think. But they wouldn't believe me even if I told them. They worship him.

Xo
Sammy

***

Dear Jesse —

Jake left for Boston Bay Academy yesterday. He wanted me to come with him, to drive him there, but I just couldn't do it.

So, Allison took him.

She came back with another note from him, she dropped it off this morning. At least this note was in his handwriting.

It was the lyrics to "Hurt." Nothing else. 143 was erased from the bottom of the page, only the indents remaining.

I know he thinks I'm heartless, but I just can't. I can't respond to every one of these stabs in my heart. I can't help him.

I can barely help me these days.

School starts next week. I don't know how I'm going to do it. I don't know how I'm going to face all of them. Penny and Shiv have been sworn to secrecy. I don't know what to say about it all. And until I do, we all say nothing.

When I think about everything that's happened since this time last year, all the insane, unexpected, unthinkable things that occurred. All the drama, all the bullshit.

'Unthinkable.' Ha.

Xo
Sammy

***