Unthinkable

July***Part 6

Dear Jesse —

I tried to break up with Jake today. I couldn't do it. Now I'm sitting on the floor, all the notes he's given me scattered around me. Just trying to figure out how it all went wrong.

I mean I went there with a plan, but then I looked at him, and I'm so in love with him.

Is that enough? I thought I had someone to protect me. I loved being in his big strong arms. But now when I look at him, all I can see are the holes in the wall made by those big strong arms. All I feel is his arm pinning me down.

What happened? That's not love. It can't be.

Then I think about the times he's picked me up when I tripped, and when he showed up with Pixy Stix. The notes he left in my locker. And the way I always know he's watching me, looking for me, because I can always feel his eyes on me.

Is it enough?

But what happens next time? What if he can't control himself.

When did I become an after school special? Fuck! What am I going to do? I love him.

Xo
Sammy

***

Shiv, Penny and I are pretending to tan ourselves out by the pool. I say pretending because none of our white asses are going to get an ounce of color other than red.

Inside, the phone rings. Three times. One more and it goes to the answering machine. I'm not getting up. Ring.

Beep.

"Um, hey Sam, this is Jake. I just wanted to see if you were planning on coming over tonight. Call me back. Bye."

The slider is open in my parents' bedroom and his message floats out over the backyard, before belly-flopping in the pool.

Shiv can't believe what she's just heard. "Um... why does he think you are still coming over? Didn't you break up with him yesterday?"

"I did... I mean I tried to...". Shit. I can't lie to her. She's exasperated. "I tried, Shiv. I really tried."

"What do you mean you tried? Either you did or you didn't."

I know. I know. "I started to... and then... I just... I couldn't do it." I wonder if I sound like as big a loser as I feel like.

"Sam, you can't stay with him. Are you crazy?" Looking to Penny for backup, "Tell her she's crazy."

Sensing that Shiv was about to go off the deep end, Penny answers delicately, "Shiv, it's not always that easy. Sometimes you just have to wait until things are really over."

This is what she says. The look on her face says something else entirely.

"Bullshit." Shiv flicks off her towel and stalks defiantly towards the deep end. She dives in. When she finally surfaces for air, she paddles over to our towels and declares, "You better not be planning on going over there alone tonight?"

"So, funny thing... I was kinda hoping that you guys might want to go to the movies tonight with us?" I grit my teeth and smiled, scrunching my nose and hoping they would both have some sympathy for their poor messed-up friend who can't break up with her boyfriend.

***

After school special: A staple for all children of the 90s. A 90-minute film, featuring a different, watered down, cautionary tale about the trials and tribulations of growing up.

After School Special:  "Stoned" 

After School Special:  Date Rape