I Need You To Fix Me (A Sebastian Stan Story) Book 2

Starbucks

Disclaimer: I do not own Starbucks, Marvel or The Fault In Our Stars, just my OC and plotline.

Today is the day. I can't hide from the world anymore, I need to start living again. Do I really feel ready?

No.

Will I ever be?

No.

So, I might as well start today. Today is Step One.

My name is Valerian Contance Ramona Cassanova and I am suffering with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. My family died in a car accident. I miss them. Every. Single. Day. My ex-boyfriend used to beat me. I have been visiting Doctor Miles everyday for two years after I had a nervous breakdown in the middle of Starbucks. Today, I am going to go to that very Starbucks.

I live in New York City, even though I am originally from England. My family and I moved here when I was ten. They died when I was sixteen. I have a house, with a yawn at the back. I like to go and lie on the grass and watch the stars. A bit like Hazel Grace. I like to lose myself in their glow and vastness.

The Starbucks is nine blocks away. In the two years I've been seeing Doctor Miles, I stayed away from there. Until today. It's a nice day out, cold because it's December but sunny, although you can't really see the sky because of all the skyscrapers. Luckily, from my home I can see the sky, especially at night. I am able to see the stars. I like stars.

I don't know why I let my Doctor talk me into this, it is such a bad idea. What if I have another breakdown? I'll be back in his office everday for another two years.

Yet here I am, standing outside the popular coffee house, staring at it's green sign. How could I have let him convince me that it was a good idea? I take in it's modern appearance. Just being in it's presence makes me remember how breakable I was, how fragile I still am. I have to go in though, it's my first step to a normal life.

I open the heavy glass door. Has it really been two years since I last heard that little welcome bell ring? I used to come in here everyday to buy coffee before work.

Work. Now there's something I haven't missed. After losing everyone I loved, I started working for a corporate company. You know, the ones with the chrome desks, nine 'til five hours, the type of jobs that pay well but you have to sell your soul to them in order to work there? Yeah, I was one of those people. Every morning I would wake up at five and leave my then apartment at six, reach Starbucks at six thirty and then reach my office at seven thirty. Yes, an hour and a half before I was officially due in. To be honest, I was a workaholic, I had nothing else except my job to focus my energies on. Well, not until I had my breakdown and received my P45 in the post. Luckily, Jason was out of the picture by the time I lost my job. I couldn't imagine being ill with him still around.

Okay, so I am inside Starbucks. Nothing has changed, seriously, nothing. The decore, the staff, the choice of coffees, it's like I'm still in the year 2012, wearing my expensive (though extremely uncomfortable) suits. I used to order an expresso everyday. I'm on pills now, so I don't think caffine would be a wise choice to mix with my medication. I look at the chalk boards, a decaffinated Tea would be nice.

Whilst a bubble gum pink-haired teenager chewing gum makes my order, I look around the room trying to locate a place to sit. It's not busy today, I've missed the early morning rush hour but it's still busy enough for there not to be any spare seats. I search the room with my eyes. Maybe I'll have to change my order to take-away? Then I spot a spare chair. It's tucked away in the corner. It's a two-seater table, one of the chairs is already occupied by a male. Brown hair, could be in his early thirties, I do notice his muscular shoulders beneath his denium jacket. Prehaps I can share with him?

"Valerian Cassanova!" the Barista calls my name. I collect my Tea and make my way over to the male and his table.

As I approach, I notice that he is reading a comic. Having spent two years at home, I spent a lot of time reading comics. I recognise the artwork immediately, he's reading Captain America: The Winter Soldier Prelude comic.

I am almost close enough to ask the male politely if I am able to share his table but then a two women with prams stand up a few tables away and begin to pack their things away to leave. It seems that I will have my own table after all. I seat myself in their place, a table by the window. The man reading the comic is obscured from my sight, which is a shame, I was slightly curious to know what he looks like.

Before I take the first sip of my Tea, I rumage in my bag for my precious iPod. Finding it, I untangle the white headphones, cursing my past self for not bothering to tidily put them away so that I wouldn't have this as a problem. Once they are usable, I pop a headphone in each ear, unlock the device and press the start button, instantly my favourite song plays. If I listen to this song and focus on my drink, I won't be able to focus on my breakdown. I won't need to confront the memories of it.

I won't have to think about the anxiety, the low mood, the terrible thoughts, the lack of interest, the feeling of needing to constantly scream, the pain I felt everytime I imagined my twin sister, Tabitha. I won't have remember the endless nights of disturbed sleep, the constant fear of something terrible happening. I won't have to...

Oh no.

The song has stopped and I haven't finished my Tea. My mind has a free moment to remember my breakdown. To remember what happened. I feel myself involuntarily tremble in my seat, the sound of my ceramic cup chattering as I set it down back in it's saucer. I need to block out the thoughts. I need to think about what Doctor Miles told me to do whenever I felt like this.

My name is Valerian Contance Ramona Cassanova and I am suffering with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. My family died in a car accident. I miss them. Every. Single. Day. My ex-boyfriend used to beat me. I have been visiting Doctor Miles everyday for two years after I had a nervous breakdown in the middle of Starbucks. I like sitting on the back lawn of my house and looking up at the stars. A bit like Hazel Grace. I like to lose myself in their glow and vastness. My favourite song is Valerie by Amy Winehouse, I listen to it everyday on my iPod whenever I feel overwhelmed. I like stars.

My doctor thinks that I am ready to start intergrating back into society. I am nervous but hopeful that I can be "normal" like everyone else. I want to show the world that I am capable of being who I once was.

My favourite actor is Sebastian Stan. I have never met him. One day, I hope that I do. Even if it's only for five minutes. I really like his ocean-blue eyes. If I did ever meet him, I don't know what I'd say. Maybe 'Hello' would be a good place to begin.

My name is Valerian Contance Ramona Cassanova and I am suffering with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. My family died in a car accident. I miss them. Every. Single. Day. My ex-boyfriend used to beat me. I have been visiting Doctor Miles everyday for two years after I had a nervous breakdown in the middle of Starbucks. I like sitting on the back lawn of my house and looking up at the stars. A bit like Hazel Grace. I like to lose myself in their glow and vastness.

I like stars.

It doesn't help. Not this time. I abruptly stand up, collect my bag and coat and leave. On the pavement outside, the cold air hits my face like a slap, jolting me from my panicked state. The polluted air fills my lungs making me dizzy. I want to go home. This was a bad idea. I should have just walked inside and left, not purchase a cup of Tea and sit down. I want my home. I want my stars. I want my family. No, I can't think like this, I just need to calm myself and get home. Home.

A/N: So, what did you think?