What Would It Take For You To Change?

Blame Me

Chapter 42

~Jenna’s POV~

I hate myself for skipping lunch today, but at the same time I don’t. I am currently just sitting on my bed trying to work up the courage to call Vic. I promised him I would, but I just don’t know what to tell him; do I tell him that I skipped lunch because the voices got too much, and that I didn’t exactly feel that bad about it? Or do I keep it a secret like the person in my head wants me to.

I wasn’t sure of my decision until I heard his voice on the other end of the line.

“Hello Sweetie” It came through the phone like an angelic melody that I wished to hear for the rest of my life.

“H-hi Vicky, I miss you” I tried to sound as confident as I possibly could with my nerves messing up my every word.

“How was the rest of school? You did go back right?”

“Yes I went back, and it wasn’t too horrible I guess.”

“Did you learn anything new?”

“ummmm...no.” I said in a quiet voice.

“No? What do you mean haha you must have learned something?”

“I-I was just too, um, distracted.”

“Mhmm and what was distracting you?”

“you” I said really quietly, hoping he would miss it, “i really miss you”

“Awe baby, I miss you too, but you do need to learn so you can pass this year and then I can have you with me all summer” something about the way he said that last sentence made me start crying. “What’s wrong?! Jenna, Sweetie what did I say?” His voice was showing panic, and once again it’s all my fault.

“I’m sorry-I’m sorry-I’m sorry-I’m sorry”I was whispering.

“Why are you sorry, you can tell me anything, you know that; just tell me why you’re sorry?” His voice was too calm compared to my sobbing/shaking one.

“I need you, Vic, I-I I need you. You took the bad things away, but-but now they want to c-come back, an-and I need you!” I tried to calm myself down a bit but kept whispering, “I need you”.

“Wh-what do you mean they want to come back Jenna? What happened today? Please tell me you didn’t hurt your-self; please tell me you’re okay.”

“I-I didn’t hurt myself. Not yet anyways” I laughed a little even though there is nothing funny about this, this conversation is just too serious for me and I feel too awkward trying to say my thoughts so I laugh.

“What do you mean ‘Not yet anyways’? Jenna what’s going on, baby please, tell me what you did today that you’re sorry for? I ne-”

“I skipped lunch and dinner because the voices convinced me to” I whispered cutting him off. “I know I shouldn’t have but people were just saying these horrible things and, and I gave in. I have no hope when you’re not here Vic.”

Vic was silent at first when I finished. But after I could hear him muttering things to himself like “Damn-it Vic, it’s your fault” and “You’re going to lose her is you don’t fix this” I wasn’t too sure what he meant by that last one; I don’t know what he thinks he’s supposed to fix.

“Jenna?” He finally stopped talking to himself.

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry I left when you clearly needed me the most. But I’m half there now so I need you to do this for me; I need you to go downstairs and into the kitchen, and I need you to find something to eat, and eat it. Okay? Do you think you can do that?”

“Yeah, I can do that.” No you can’t, he’s trying to make you fat... I thought you wanted to be thin?

 

“Okay good, I have to go, but I love you with all my heart.” No he doesn’t he’s lying, who would love a fat girl like you?

“I love you too.”

After we hung up the phone I slowly but surely made my way to the kitchen. I found some frozen Quesadillas and decided that I could maybe eat one of them. As I went to put it in the microwave the god awful voice in my head kept speaking. No one is home; you don’t have to eat that. Your precious boyfriend already thinks that you’re eating so what harm would it do to just... not. No Jenna. You just told him you would do this, do it if not for yourself for Vic. You can do it.

I put the stupid quesadilla in the microwave and stood in front of it watching the frozen meal defrost in circles for what seemed like a lifetime but it was only 1 minute and 50 seconds. The annoying beep of the dinger brought me back to reality and I took the hot plate and put it on the table. I sat down saying a silent prayer for the god awful voice to shut up and leave.

As I bit into the cheesy grease covered Mexican food I couldn’t help but gag. How is it that Vic leaves me for one day and I’m back to the point that a bite of food makes me sick to the stomach? I need him more than I should. But that’s the hard thing about loving someone when you’re as broken as me; when you’re with them you feel whole, like your cracks are only minor and you’ll be okay. But when they’re gone you realise how broken you truly are and there’s no one there to hold your pieces together.

Once the food was gone I washed my plate and cleaned up the kitchen. If there’s no traces of food it makes it almost seem like you didn’t eat it; but the queasy feeling inside my stomach knows the truth.

I turned off all the lights downstairs; accept the front hall one for when mom comes home, then trudged my way upstairs to go to bed.

I was in a half asleep state when I heard my mother come home. She came into my room and I pretended to be fully sleeping, “Goodnight my little bean, I’ll see you in the morning, love you” She kissed my head and left.

And after that I fell asleep, hoping to get lost in the everlasting dreamland and not have to wake up...