What Would It Take For You To Change?

One Hundred Sleepless Nights

Chapter 10: One Hundred Sleepless Nights

~Jenna’s POV~

We were just lying there on Vic’s bed in silence. I couldn’t stand to look at him, I was so afraid that he was mad at me. I knew that I had to explain, but how? How do you tell someone something that you don’t completely understand yourself? I can’t lie to Vic, he sees right through me. I stayed silent for another few minutes before getting the courage to turn and face Vic.

“I-I, I don’t know what to say” I sighed.

“How about you tell me about the last time you cut? We can work from there, or if you just really can’t talk yet we could wait.” Vic was soft-spoken.

“The last time, I can do this” I mostly spoke this to myself. “Okay,” I can do this Jenna, just take a breath. “The day we met, Thursday, that was the last time. It happened right before we met, when I was in the bathroom.” I couldn’t look at Vic as I told him this; he just wrapped his arms around me and said “Why?” It was one word, one question, ‘why’ always seems to be the hardest thing to answer.

“Well, I went to school that morning dreading going to class because there is this group of kids who hates me, their leaders are Tia and Ben. We were sitting in Spanish and they kept laughing and making fun of me, calling me things like ‘freak’ ‘stupid’ ‘faggot’ ‘bitch’ ‘slut’ ‘alone’ ‘unworthy’ they told me to go kill myself. Them making fun of me and saying horrible things are pretty usual for a class room so I was fine but th-then” My voice was shaky as I tried not to cry, remembering what happened, “the teacher left for a while. Then Ben spoke up ‘Hey freak, you look tired, too busy cutting yourself last night? Maybe you should lift up your shirt and let us see’...” my voice was bitter as I re-spoke Ben’s words, I hated Ben... “He told me that Tia had seen me change during gym one day. I was always so careful; I never wanted anyone to know. Once everyone started trying to get me to show them my cuts I got up and ran. I ran to the coffee shop, I knew there wouldn’t be anyone from school there. Then I locked myself in the bathroom” I squeezed my eyes shut as the flashbacks started playing in my head, “That was the last time.” 

“I’m so sorry Jenna” Vic said pulling me tighter in his arms, “No one deserves this”

“I do” I said in a whisper. I truly felt that I deserved this pain. It was my fault anyways.

“Don’t talk like that Sweetie, no one deserves pain......How long have you been cutting? You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to” 

I thought back through the years, it’s been so long. It started the year before my sister died. Wow, almost 5 years now. I’ve been keeping this secret for 5 years, that has to be some sort of record. I laughed at my own stupid thought. 5 years that’s over 1,800 days. 1800 days of suffering alone, 1800 nights of these thoughts in my head.

“It has been almost 5 years since the first time” I sighed into Vic’s chest. I felt Vic’s heart skip a beat as he heard me say it. He squeezed me even tighter as if he was afraid I would disappear in that moment.

“And you never told anybody?” Vic whimpered to me.

“Well, after a few months my sister found out, she kept my secret. I never wanted her to know but I still remember the day she found out. Mom and Dad were out at the movies, I thought

Cassidy was down stairs watching tv when it happened. I was mad about something and had cut one long deep cut into my lower leg, I just needed to see the blood. I had wrapped a sock around it trying to stop the bleeding. I was just sitting on my bed wrapping it when she barged into my room. I was so panicked I didn’t know what to do, I tried to hide my leg but she was already asking me ‘why the fuck is there a sock on your leg’. I knew she knew because the blood was leaking, I showed her and promised to stop if she didn’t tell anyone. She was so worried about me, I wanted to stop for her, but I was never able to.” I had started crying as this memory replayed in my head. I could see everything perfectly, it hurts even more to remember it than when it was actually happening.

“It’s going to be okay.”Vic said trying to comfort me, “just let it out, let the feelings out. You don’t have to tell me anymore tonight” He kissed the top of my head and started rubbing my back.

~Vic’s POV~

Wow. Those things Jenna just told me hurt. How could someone so beautiful be in so much pain? She is so strong, even if she can’t see it. Anyone who has the ability to live through what she has and still be alive is strong. I can’t believe it’s been 5 years, that’s too long. I hope she will let me help her through this. She doesn’t deserve anymore pain, the hurt people bring to her is not okay. I really hope Jenna will open up to me more so I can learn everything about her. I bet if she just talked, said the words out loud she would feel so much better. Everything has been bottled up for so long it’s time that she let it out.

I continued to hold Jenna in my arms and make comforting circles on her back, “go to sleep darling, I’m with you, you’re safe to sleep now, nothing can hurt you.”

Jenna was soon fast asleep in my arms, I allowed myself to sleep too.