What Would It Take For You To Change?

Yeah Boy and Doll Face

Chapter 18: Yeah Boy and Doll Face

~Jenna’s POV~

‘Are you starving yourself?’ Vic’s words kept running through my head. How did he know? Well I know that I don’t hide it as well as I could but...no...this couldn’t be happening. When Vic asked me I felt like my life was over, it was like my biggest secret was ripped from me. How am I supposed to answer him? Should I lie? How could I lie though, he knows the truth. I haven’t answered him yet, if I say it out loud it makes it so much more real.

“Yes”  I let the word fall out of my mouth, Vic’s body cringing at the answer. He looked at me with begging eyes, praying that it wasn’t true, like he just hoped that this wasn’t happening, that I was just joking with him. But I’m not. This is happening.

Now that I finally admitted it to Vic and myself, I realise what I’ve truly been doing. Me losing weight is no longer just some goal I made with myself for summer, it’s gone way past that. It didn’t stop after the 10 pounds I wanted gone were done, no, I took it too far. And now Vic knows.

“Jenna...why?” Vic half cried. He looked so hurt. I wanted to tell Vic the truth but he wouldn’t understand. No one ever does, that’s why I never told.

“You wouldn’t understand” I cried into my hands.

“I will try, Sweetie please, help me understand!” Vic said getting a little offended.

“okay, but don’t talk until I’m done, let me explain myself” Vic nodded at my agreement. Oh god where do I begin from?

“Well, I hate myself” Vic tried to say something, probably to tell me that I shouldn’t, but I shot him a look giving him a warning to not talk. He gave me a slight nod telling me I could go on. “I’ve hated myself since...well as far back as I can remember I’ve never liked myself. I used to be a fat kid. I never really started to notice it until middle school, but I didn’t know how to change it. When I started high school I got really jealous of all the beautiful skinny girls. I told myself I wanted to look like them. I set a goal to lose around 10 pounds by that summer, so for grade 11 I’d be better looking. It didn’t take me long to lose the weight and I thought I looked better but the kids at school still called me fat. I kept losing weight and started restricting my calories the month before summer. The constant feeling of hunger made me feel good about myself, no matter what those kids said to me I knew that I would change their minds. By the time school started up again after summer I had lost a total of 25 pounds. I looked good according to other people, but the mirror told me different. All I see is fat. I became obsessed with bones and negative space. I hate myself so much Vic, at first I wanted people to notice me, but now I want nothing more than to disappear! How can you think I’m beautiful when I look like this?!” I was starting to get angry at myself, tears spilling from my eyes. I got off the bed and started pacing the room as I ranted, “How can you stand to look at me? I’m disgusting! That’s why I didn’t want to bring any of my shorts with me” I said gesturing to my bag of clothes “I am way to fat to wear them. I don’t eat because I am undeserving of food, only thin girls deserve to eat.” I fell on to my hand and knees crying. 

~Vic’s POV~

I was speechless. I didn’t know it would be this bad. When Jenna got off the bed and started pacing I knew she was fighting with herself. She hates herself so much in two ways, she hates the way her mind tells her she’s fat, and she hates the way that she believes it.

When she fell onto the floor crying I quickly rushed to her side. I tried to take her into my arms but she pushed away.

“Jenna, it’s going to be okay” I was unsure what to do because she doesn’t want me to touch her, and I really don’t know what to say.

Jenna sat huddled in a ball crying for a minute or two before asking “How? How can you tell me I’m beautiful everyday when I am like this” She gestured to herself.

“Jenna, my darling Jenna, I know you can’t see it but you are the most beautiful girl in my eyes. Your body is perfect even if you can’t see it. Your beauty starts at the top, you have gorgeous hair that suits your face perfectly, your eyes are the most beautiful shade of green, the way they twinkle makes my heart flutter. You have a perfect nose that isn’t too big or too small it is just the right size, then just below your nose you have the cutest lips, which on occasion stretch into a smile so bright that the sun is jealous, and I can add that your lips are so soft and tender and they fit perfectly on mine.” Jenna let a small laugh out at that comment. “Jenna you’re beautiful because you have two perfect hands which fold perfectly into mine. Your stomach is perfect even if you think it’s too big, same goes for your legs. Jenna you have legs for days” I chuckled a little, “I’m glad you brought those shorts because you look perfectly beautiful to me. I could go on and on about how beautiful you are to me outside and inside but we don’t have enough time in our lives for that.” I was staring at Jenna the whole time I spoke this to her, and at the end she was no longer in a ball trying to disappear, but was finally looking at me. A few more tears left her eyes before she got off the floor and climbed into my arms. She hugged my chest tightly, like she was afraid to let go. “I love you Jenna” I whispered into her ear before kissing her head.

“I...I wish I could see myself the way you see me” Jenna admitted into my chest.

“You will, I promise I will help you until you do”

I wanted to talk to Jenna a bit more but she was already half asleep in my arms. I picked her up and carried her to her side of the bed and gently put her down tucking in her fragile body. I returned to my side and got in. I felt exhausted from today’s events. I quickly drifted off to sleep.