In Another Life

83

I let  out a wail that anyone could tell was from pure heartbreak. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't move. I was gasping for air, burying my hands in my hair, as I tried to get a grasp on this pain that had started in my chest and was invading my entire body. I was wrong. I had never felt heartbreak. I had never been in love. Not like this. I had never felt anything like this before in my life. It was an all consuming force that was sucking the very soul from my body. It had only been a week. I had only officially known him a week, so how is it even plausible that his absence could leave me in this state. Denise sat down on the ground next to me, her arms around me, rocking me but not speaking. She knew there wasn't anything that she could say, because she knew how I felt about him before I even knew him. Now it was a thousand times deeper than before. Sarah and Kenzie stood quietly next to us. It was like someone had died and they didn't know how to react, or what to say. They all let me sit there, crying silently now, the tears steadily streaming. I honestly didn't know how they were still coming. I was going to dehydrate simply from crying because there was no way the human body could lose that much water without some kind of consequence. Finally, Denise hugged me tightly, then pulled back, forcing me to look at her. "T, you have to face it. We had an amazing trip. You most of all. I know this sucks and it hurts, but it's time to go home now. You have to pull it together." She helped me stand, putting her arm around my waist as I sagged into her. "I wish I'd never come on this trip," I muttered, forcing myself up and away from her. I would stand on my own two feet. "You don't mean that," she replied, following me back into the hotel. I didn't reply immediately, just kept going. We rode the elevator to our floor, and I kept my head turned as we passed their room. Denise opened the door and I rushed inside, going to my closet and automatically tearing my clothes down. It was time to pack and get the fuck out of this state. Go back home where things made sense, and my heart was safe. "T!" I whirled on Denise, anger flashing in my eyes. "What?!" I yelled. "What? You gonna start in on me about how I should be grateful for what he gave me. That he gave me even a little bit of his time, making me fall even more in love with him? That I knew this would happen before I slept with him? What could you possibly tell me that I don't already know?" She bit her lip, a worried look on her face, but didn't speak. Sarah opened her mouth, but I held my hand up. "Don't. Not right now Sarah. I know all of these things. I thought that I was grateful but now I'm not. I would rather have never come on this trip. Never met him, never got to experience how wonderful he was. I would still be loving him from afar, my heart never knowing the absolute joy that came from being with him. Never knowing the crushing pain from him leaving. It's too much," my voice cracked, and I turned back to my clothes, jerkily taking them from the hangers so that I could fold them. "You'll be okay T. I miss Brennen too. Maybe I didn't feel as strongly for her as you do Colby, but I do understand what you're saying. I felt that way at first, but now we text every day and even Facetime. It's not the same but it's something and I think I made some really great friends. This is an experience that you'll never forget. I promise you don't want that to never have happened. Give your heart a little time." I squeezed my eyes shut against Sarah's words. She was probably right but right now...right now, I just wanted the pain to be gone. I didn't speak the rest of the time, only answering them in monotone syllables. We finished packing up, checked out, and left our adventure behind us as we piled into my car. I let Denise drive, because I just didn't feel like it. I wanted to sleep. I wanted my unconsciousness to chase away the feeling of emptiness and heartache. She put some music on, one of her playlists. I stared out the window, wishing for sleep, hearing every word that was sung. "When you close your eyes, tell me what are you dreaming. Everything, I wanna know it all. I'd spend 10,000 hours," the damned song chipped away at my heart even more with every lyric, until I sat up and slammed my hand down on the power button. They all looked at me in surprise as I leaned back in my seat again, but they didn't say anything. I took out my phone, wondering why it hadn't given me any notifications lately, hoping that it could take my mind off of things, just for a little while. I should have known better. Everything about my phone and my social media life was surrounded around Colby Brock and his friends. I had forgotten that I had put my phone on silent because of the whole thing with the fandom finding out who I was and seeing me with Colby. There were a million notifs on my phone. I sighed and opened Instagram. "I'm gonna post a story so that everyone can see we're on our way home and we aren't with the guys. Maybe it'll make everyone shut up for a little while anyways." "It's gonna blow over T," Kenzie replied in her soft voice. I nodded, and gave her a small smile that I knew didn't reach my eyes. I turned the radio back on, then plastered a giant fake smile on my face before recording. I panned the car, showing all of the girls in the view. We sang along, laughed, then I threw up a peace sign and cut the video.