In Another Life

180

I wasn't so sure that he did with the look he gave me. "I've already said something to her about giving my number out without asking," I added for good measure. There was something in his eyes that I hadn't seen before and it worried me. He didn't trust me. I saw it and I couldn't even be mad about it. "Okay," he sighed. "I guess let's get the stuff ready for the hike and just go." His voice sounded beaten and resigned. I nodded, and walked to the closet to finish getting dressed. Neither of us spoke the rest of the time in the apartment. The drive to Griffin's Park was also quiet, besides a few murmured questions and one word answers. By the time we reached the designated area, I couldn't take it anymore. "Justin, if you're mad, just be mad. Stop ignoring me though. I can't handle this cold persona that you're giving off," I replied, snatching my backpack out of the trunk. He glanced at me in surprise. "I'm not ignoring you T. I'm just trying to comprehend why you would go off and meet your ex boyfriend in the middle of the night. The boyfriend who drove you to drugs after he left you without another word spoken to you. No call to check up, nothing. But you just forgive all of that and instantly want to be his friend and hang out with his crowd again. I'm trying to understand it. Shit!" he exclaimed, slamming the trunk. "Maybe I am a little mad. You shouldn't have done that." He drug his hand through his hair, then shook it out, letting it land however. "We've been together for a while and sure, we've had our ups and downs, but you've never done something like this. It's like you see him, and you just turn into this person that I don't know." My mouth fell open in shock. "That is not true!" I exclaimed. "I am the same person that I've always been. And Colby didn't drive me to drugs. We both agreed that we should have a clean break with no further contact. Do you know how many times I just wanted to pick the phone up and call him? Just to hear his voice? But I didn't because that's what we agreed on. It wasn't his fault. It was mine. I never told him about my addiction. I never told him a lot of things that I probably should have. I went last night to clear the air. To forgive him for something that wasn't his fault. To let it go." I realized, as the words fell out of my mouth, that I was telling the truth. I did need to see him. To forgive him. That's what had happened last night. I came to terms with the fact that the relapse was my fault and not Colby's. "I want to hang out with 'his crowd' because they're my friends. Friends that I haven't seen in a very long time. What's so wrong with that?" I could hear my voice start to crack, the emotions slamming into me left and right. "Nothing is wrong with it Terra. Besides the fact that you will probably be hanging out with him too, and I'll probably lose you." He was so convinced in what he said, that I felt my heart shatter. For him, for me, for us. I shook my head and closed the gap between us. "You won't. I'm with you Justin. Colby is the past, but you're my present and my future." He closed his eyes as I put my hand on his cheek. "I saw the way you looked at him last night T. You've never looked at me like that." I didn't know how to respond to that. "How did I look at him?" I asked, scared of the answer. He opened his eyes and met my gaze. "Like you were drowning and he was the one that was going to save you. That hurt more than you know." I shook my head again, pained by the hurt in his voice. "You're the one that saved me. That's not how I looked at him. I was in shock. I didn't know how to react. It was forceful seeing him again. The old emotions did swim back to the surface but that's all they were. Old emotions. Past tense." He shook me off and started walking. I followed him but didn't say anything. "There was a fire in your eyes T. A passion that's never been there before," he said quietly. I wasn't sure if he meant for me to hear him or not so I stayed quiet. I didn't know how to respond to that anyway, because I was beginning to think he was right. We hiked for a few miles, neither of us really talking except to exclaim how pretty the view was or say how we were getting hot. Finally, Justin asked if I was ready to head back to the car. I nodded, and followed him back. The day was over by the time we made it back home. "I'm gonna get a shower and go to bed. It's been a long day," he sighed, as he threw his keys into the bowl we kept on the counter. "Okay," I replied, but he was already in our room, out of hearing distance. I sank down onto the couch and put my face in my hands. This was bad and I didn't know how to fix it. Could it be fixed? I sat there for the longest time, lost in my thoughts, trying to figure them out. when I felt my phone vibrate. I pulled it out of my hoodie and checked it. A text from Colby. The last thing I needed right now. I almost didn't open it but my curiosity got the best of me. "I hope you're having a good day baby girl. I gave your number to the girls. They said they'd call or text you tomorrow. Good luck at your new job tomorrow. I'll see you around lunchtime. I love you." What the fuck? He didn't still think we had plans? Didn't I tell him that I couldn't see him anymore? Why was he being stubborn? Ugh. I ignored the little part of me that was growing bigger by the day. The part that felt the old excitement that I was going to have a sort of date with Colby Brock.