In Another Life

175

"Terra!" I heard him yell again, as I did my best to keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Again, I turned and looked back at him. He jogged over to me, and I took a step back. I just couldn't be near him. Not that close . "I'm not giving up. I understand but I'm not giving up. Not this time baby girl. It's a promise." His words make my insides feel like jelly, and the old butterflies start back up in my stomach. That kiss had me nearly begging him to take me home with him, wherever that was now. I knew that I had strong, VERY strong feelings for Colby. I couldn't deny that any longer. I wasn't really blaming him for my relapse. I knew that wasn't logically fair. I did know that the only way I was going to stay away from him, was if I did blame  him a little, even though it really wasn't his fault. I had agreed to separate. I hadn't tried to make him stay. This was on me too. He may have initiated it, but I didn't stop him. It wasn't his job to keep me stable. That was on me. I did believe that he was a trigger for me, because I hadn't craved anything worse than I did tonight. Tonight would be the night that I relapsed, if I didn't do something about it. I had to talk to Justin. He would help me. "Colby, please don't. I can't do this right now. I'm not feeling my strongest. I just...can't." I replied. "Fine.I won't push it. But you can't just shut me out of your life. That's not fair. I may have played a part in your relapse but I didn't know. I'll take the blame if you want me too, but we both know this wasn't fully on me." I pinched the bridge of my nose, feeling the headache start to nag behind my eyes. "I knoooww," I groaned. "I don't blame you. Or I do, but it's just a little. This is a problem that I've had for a long time and it's not going to go away any time soon. You're a trigger Colby! What are you not understanding about that? I physically CANNOT be around you! I can't talk to you, I can't text you. I can't be friends with you. It's too hard." I shook my head, noticing that the pit in my stomach was growing larger and making me nauseous, the more I talked about him not being in my life. He placed his large hand on my shoulder, making it ease off just a bit. I met his intense blue gaze, and sucked in a breath. "You can. I'm not a trigger Terra. Us being separated was a trigger. Us not being together was a trigger. I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere," he replied, brushing my hair back from my neck. I shivered a little as his fingers grazed my skin. My brain had stopped working. I couldn't find anything wrong with what he was saying. My relapse was because he left, because he wasn't there. Because everyone always leaves....except Justin. I pushed against his chest, noticing how close he was. He stepped back, a look of intense concentration on his face. "You can't just shut me out T. Not after everything. You can't say you don't feel something. I know you do. That kiss told me you did." I shook my head again. "I don't know what I feel Colby. I know that I love Justin. Very much. I could never repay him for everything he's done for me. He has my heart. I know that you make me confused. My stomach flutters and my skin feels like it's on fire. I can't concentrate and my mind gets all muddled." He stepped closer again and cupped my cheek with his palm. "That's called love sweetheart." The way his voice was so low and deep, had me almost leaning forwards and throwing myself at him again. Fucking hell, this was too much. I had to go home. Home to Justin. I backed up, pushing his hand off of me. "I have to go. Thank you for talking to me tonight and for meeting me," I told him. A part of me noticed that the edge that the horrid craving had was gone. Maybe he wasn't the trigger at all. Maybe he was right and losing him was the trigger. "I really needed a FRIEND," I replied, emphasizing the friend part. He looked down at the ground smiling, before looking back up at me and holding his hands out. "If that's what you need right now is a friend, then here I am." Ugh damnit, but he was making this so hard. Justin. I had to go home. I hated that I had to keep reminding myself. I know that in all of those romantic comedies that I used to love to watch, this would be it. I would jump into his arms and the movie would end with us laughing and kissing, with joyful music playing as he spun me around. This wasn't a movie though. I was confused. When Colby and I were together, it wasn't really together. We only saw each other a couple of times, and spent some time together in a motel room. Yes, they were wonderful memories and I would always hold them close to my heart. But the only other communication we had was online, texts, calls, and facetime. I had lived through hell with Justin. We had been through so much. My relapse, rehab, fights, laughter, holidays with each other's family. We had built a life together. Was I really willing to throw all of that away because I had reconnected with my crush who I barely knew from three years ago? My head hurt. I leaned up and kissed Colby's cheek, feeling the rush of the current from my lips to his skin. I couldn't deny the sexual attraction, that was for damn sure. I already felt so bad about the kiss. The kiss that I had initiated. I had cheated on Justin. I hated that. I said that I would never do that after being treated so poorly all those years ago. I wouldn't do this to him. He was too good of a guy, and I wouldn't treat him this way. He deserved better.