In Another Life

167

We got into the Uber, Justin and I, while the rest waited on another car. I just wanted to go home and not have to drag this trip out longer than it needed to be. I was suddenly tired, my head starting to ache from all from all of the excitement. Maybe I could go to sleep and wake up, with none of this ever happening. Did I want that? Did I really want Colby to be just a dream? How had I managed to stay away from him for two years, and just run into him tonight? A night that was supposed to be special, a night to celebrate my accomplishments. I didn't speak on the ride home, lost in my thoughts as I was. Justin took my hand in his and held on tightly, like he was afraid to lose me. I stared out the window at the passing city lights, trying to figure out what had just happened, what I was feeling. I saw Colby. Colby Brock, my crush, my idol, my lost love. The one that I thought I would never see again, that I had lost forever just because the timing wasn't right. What about now? What did I feel for him? Those old emotions had come swarming back to the top, but were they real or just left over residual feelings? Was it just unfinished business between us? I loved Justin, like really loved him. Oh Lord, why did this have to be so hard? When we got home, I opened the apartment door, and went straight to our room. Tonight was one of those nights that really made me want a drink...or something to take the edge off. Which meant that I really needed to stay away from everyone but I knew that Justin was going to want to talk, and that wasn't his fault. I was changing into more comfortable clothes when he walked in. Just a hoodie and joggers, nothing special. His eyes widened when he saw me. "Really?" He asked, anger coating his voice. "What? What did I do?" I asked, bewildered. He looked at me like I was crazy. "After everything that happened tonight and you're going to wear THAT. THAT of all things. I didn't even know you still owned that. I looked down and saw the mint green koala hoodie that I had kept of Colby's from PlayList. I was wearing it. "How...?" I questioned aloud. I had this boxed up, in the back of my closet. I turned around and looked at the box. Sure enough, it was open, and things were strewn out of it, like I had just rifled through it. "I didn't realize..." I said quietly, not sure of how to handle this. "Why do you still have it?" he asked angrily, as I stripped it off and found a plain blue hoodie hanging up. I tossed the mint hoodie back towards the box and closed the closet. "For memories or something Justin. It's a perfectly good hoodie and it looks good with my eyes." That's all I could come up with. I wasn't sure why I had kept it. I never wore it and had honestly forgotten about it being there. Apparently, my subconscious still remembered. He shook his head hard, and started changing into his night clothes. "I can't believe you just did that," he replied. He had every right to be mad. Hell, I would be man if I came home to find him wearing something that represented one of his exes. I went and sat on the bed in front of him, watching him change. "Justin, baby, you know I didn't mean too. I didn't even realize that I had pulled it out of the box. I forgot that I even had it! I guess after seeing Colby tonight, it just brought back up a lot of things, and I subconsciously went for it. I'm sorry. I would never hurt you. I love you," I told him, waiting for him to look at me. He did, meeting my gaze with his soft green ones. I loved his eyes. A memory of someone with vibrant blue eyes and an intense stare popped into my mind, but I forced it out. I couldn't and I wouldn't. Justin was the one who had been there for me when I needed him most, not Colby. Justin was the one who had held my hair back while I got sick from withdrawals of all of the drugs that I was on. Justin was the one who made sure that my treatment was going well, and who had helped me to remain strong all these years. Justin was the one who had believed in me enough and helped me reach my dream of moving to LA and finding a fantastic job as a photographer. Then why did Colby keep popping into my mind? Why did I keep getting flashes of the nights that we spent together? Why did my heart keep thudding hard, every time I thought his name? Why did I want to cry? "I love you too T. This just...ugh," he said, running his hand through his hair. Colby used to do that. Damn it, stop it Terra. This was your boyfriend. The man you loved. I felt like I was cheating on him just by thinking about Colby. I felt like a horrible person. Especially when he forgave me so easily. "This really hurts me T. I know how much Colby meant to you, what happened after he left. I know the pain that it caused you because it caused me the same pain watching you go through it. I know that you loved him more than you will ever love me." "That's NOT true!" I exclaimed, standing up to face him. He nodded and took my hands. "It is true and that's okay. I'm not going to be that all consuming, need it more than you need air to breathe kind of love. I'm not that love so strong that it's basically a drug. I accepted that a long time ago. What I am is a safe place for you. I don't make you choose between the air or me, I am the air. I'm comfortable for you. I'm right for you. I might not make your head swim when I kiss you, but I will always be there to save you from drowning." My heart broke at his words. I leaned towards him and pressed my lips to his, tasting my tears in the process. "You're my home," I said, my mouth moving against his own.