In Another Life

191

Now, I consider myself an independent woman for the most part, besides this whole addiction thing. For some reason, I thought of how Colby had opened my door for me and for Denise when we went to Savannah all those years ago. I could open my own damn door, for sure, but it was still sweet. Justin didn't really do those things. I mean, he was a total sweetheart, yes, but he never really did the whole opening the door for me, pulling out my chair, all that old fashioned stuff that guys used to do for girls. Justin put on some music once we were both inside the car, and smiled at me. I smiled back, and felt guilty for thinking about Colby again. Traffic was horrible, so Justin took a back road that he knew about, letting us drive freely for a little bit. Justin was singing along to the radio and watching the road so I pulled my phone out and started scrolling through social media. I was on my personal twitter, and a post of Colby and the guys popped up because one of my old acquaintances from back home had like it. Huh, who knew that there were people in my hometown who still watched their videos. I clicked on the post, just to check it, getting sucked into my own social media world. It was apparently a screenshot from their last duo video. I felt a little pain in my chest, remembering when this was my entire life. The rush from getting noticed by one of them, the friendships that I had made, the fun that occurred in the crazy ass group chats that I had been a part of. I missed it. I missed them. All of them. I missed him the most, I think. I knew it was wrong for me to feel that way, with Justin sitting right beside me, but I couldn't seem to help it. No matter how much I tried to push away those feelings, they just kept coming back to slap me in the face. I sighed and slipped my phone back into my pocket. We were almost at our destination, and my stomach growled in response when the smell of food hit me. Justin glanced at me and laughed. "Sounds like someone is really hungry. Did you eat today? I know how you are when you get sucked into your work. You would go days without eating if someone didn't make you." I laughed nervously, remembering that yes, I did eat. I ate with the man that he probably hated, and that I was so close to admitting that I was in love with, no matter how hard I tried to fight it. "Yeah, I did. A couple of friends and I went out to eat at that sub place that's a couple blocks down from the office," I answered, trying to keep the tremble from my voice. "So your first day went well then?" he asked, still watching the road. I nodded. "Yeah, I had a really good day. I start my first shoots tomorrow." He glanced at me again as he pulled into the parking lot of the restaurant. "That's awesome! Are you excited?" "Yes, but I'm so fucking nervous," I breathed out, thinking about the shoots that I would be doing tomorrow. "What if I fuck up? What if my work isn't as good as they thought it was, and they realize they made a mistake, and fire me?" He parked the car, and reached over to take my hand in his. "Your work is amazing. They didn't make a mistake, and tomorrow will be fine. Better than fine. It's going to be amazing, and you're going to crush the hell out of those shoots. I promise. You're so much more talented that you think you are." This was part of the reason why I loved Justin. He was always able to calm me down when I started to freak out about things, or my anxiety started to get the best of me. He was my own personal therapist in a way. "Thank you," I sighed, leaning my head back on the seat. He put my hand down into my lap, and then patted it. "You're gonna be great T. Don't stress it so much. I'll be right back, okay?" I nodded and smiled at him. He smiled back and leaned over to kiss my cheek. "I love you. You know that right?" Again, that pit in my stomach made me nauseous. "I love you too," I answered, looking away from him. I was scared that he would see something in my eyes that I wasn't ready for him to see. He kissed my cheek again, and got out of the car, going inside the building to pick up our food. I pulled out my phone again, and decided to check my old fan accounts, if they were still even active. Surprisingly, they were. I had lost a lot of followers but I hadn't been on these accounts in three years. Obviously, people were going to unfollow someone who wasn't active. My direct messages were so full, it wasn't even funny. The top one, the most recent one, was from Colby. I clicked on the message and felt my heart squeeze inside my chest. 'I know that we aren't supposed to be talking because we agreed on a clean break...but I just wanted to check in. See if you were doing okay, I guess. I miss you T." That was all he said. I checked the date on the message and noticed it was sent six months after I had seen him for the last time. He had checked up on me and I had been out doing drugs, selling drugs, and having a strictly sexual relationship with Levi. I shook my head and leaned it against the window. I was so stupid. Why had I let myself fall into all that bullshit? I wasn't strong. Not really. I was a stupid, stupid, love struck idiot who couldn't handle the heartbreak. I looked at my phone again, and opened my texts. I stared at Colby's name for a couple of minutes, deciding whether or not I should text him. I wanted too. I pressed my finger against his name and opened the texts. "Hey Colby. I just wanted to say I had a good time today. Thank you for bringing the girls to see me." I stopped typing and looked at what I had written.