In Another Life

177

 I pushed back from Justin. "What's wrong?" he asked in confusion. I shook my head. "Nothing. Just tired. I think I'm gonna get some sleep now. It's been a long night." He laughed lightly, concern still showing in his face. "It's no longer night babe. It's almost 6 am." I glanced at the clock on the bedroom wall. "Oh...I didn't realize I had been out that long. Sorry," I replied. He narrowed his eyes a little bit. "I don't know what time you left and I only noticed you missing about thirty minutes ago. How long have you been out?" Fuck. "Um, since about 3:30," I replied sheepishly, turning away from him and getting comfortable in the bed. "You were just walking this entire time?" I shook my head. "No, I told you. I went to a bar but I didn't drink anything. I just sat there for a while, thinking." He looked unsure. "T, are we okay? You're acting...different." I looked back and gave him a small smile, hoping that it didn't look sad. "We're okay. I'm just tired. It's been a long day." "Okay," he replied, making himself comfortable. "You know that I love you right?" I was facing away from him, lying on my side now, and felt him put his arm around my waist, pulling me up against him. "I know," I whispered, unable to speak anymore for fear that my voice would crack with tears. When I finally drifted off to sleep, my dreams were filled with Justin and Colby. Justin crying and angry, asking how could I do this to him after everything we had been through. Colby crying, begging me to go to him as he held out his arms. I tossed and turned, unable to sleep peacefully. When I woke the next day, it was already past noon and I smelled bacon. Justin must be cooking. I started my new job tomorrow, and at the moment, I wasn't really excited. I felt like there were just too many new things, too many changes happening in my life right now. Change wasn't always good for an addict. Routine was what we needed, what we thrived on. I stretched and threw the covers back, before sitting up in bed. "Uuuuggghh" I groaned out, my body feeling like I had run a marathon the day before or something. My body ached, and my eyes were swollen. Emotional stress could wear you out too. Justin poked his head in, just as I was standing up. "Hey sleepy head, I made you some breakfast. Or lunch, I guess." He seemed to be in good spirits this morning, and for some reason that irked me so badly. I was torn apart inside, and seeing him be so sure of himself, only made it worse. I knew that he trusted me enough to never question me about last night again and that bothered me. I didn't deserve his trust. Hell, I didn't deserve the way he loved me at the this point. I scrubbed my face with both hands, grabbed my phone, and followed him out of the room. "You didn't have to do this," I said quietly, my voice sounding like I had been an avid smoker for the past 10 years, scratching against my throat. "I know that. I just thought you could use a pick me up from everything that you've been going through. I did it because I love you," he answered still smiling at me. It was kind of starting to piss me off. I didn't answer him back. Instead, I picked up a piece of crispy bacon and popped it into my mouth, as I unlocked my phone. There were so many notifications, I almost dropped my phone. Texts from all of my friends checking on me after what happened at the bar last night, even more from Denise, and a couple from Colby. I didn't open his. I went through and texted Kenzie and Sarah first, letting them know that I was okay. Next came Denise. I told her that I was fine but that I needed to talk to her when I could get alone. I stared at Colby's name for a moment before I opened the first text from him. "hey beautiful, I just wanted to let you know that I really enjoyed seeing you last night. You can't know how much it meant to me. I know that you're in a strange headspace right now so I won't say much more. Just know that I love you. Always." Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Why did my heart start beating faster just reading a stupid text. It didn't make sense. I had made peace with the fact that Colby and I would never be. I had given my heart to Justin. "Then why is it trying to race back to Colby?" my subconscious was really starting to piss me off. I skipped to his next text. "so I told everyone that I saw you last night. Kat and Tara are kind of pissed that you didn't let them know when you moved to LA. They want me to give you their numbers. They wanted your number but I didn't want to give it to them without asking. still love you baby girl." Could he not keep saying that? My head was starting to hurt again and I wanted a cigarette. I hadn't picked up one of those except maybe twice in the past three years, but I really wanted one right now. I chewed my food slowly, taking in what he had said. I knew that I should've let Kat and Tara know that I had finally made it here, but there was a problem with that. Colby. I was scared to see him, for him to know that I was here. I guess I had been avoiding the issues instead of dealing with it, but worked well for a little while. Until it came up and literally shoved me against the wall last night, with his lips on mine, and his hands roaming my body. I shivered a little and put my phone down, looking up at Justin. "Thanks for the food," I replied softly, feeling guilty for lusting after Colby after Justin had just made me breakfast. I had to get him out of my head. We were friends.