ALONE

'I knew you were trouble'

I turned around in my bed looking in the ceiling and trying to forget what happened today.I was rude to her..I shouldn't do that...And she shouldn't say that.I'm still trying to convince myself that that is all her fault.But when i remember the look on her face when i said that things about her parents I just know that it's my fault..I screwed...I know I am,and that is what hurts me the most..

I take a deep breath and close my eyes..But when darknes take over and i found myself in some kind of realxation I can see her face covered with anger and pain.Mostly anger.

Maybe she is right? Maybe i am the one who always ruin the things,like i ruined Annie.

Well that is the part where i lost control.I salp her against the wall,pushing her thiny little body with mine.The problem was: in normal situation i would probably kill the person who said that,but when I found myself so close to her face I was just thinking about kissing her.I don't know what is wrong with me...I grabbed her face with my hands without thinking.My hand aginst her face was so big that I could feel puls on her temple.I didn't realized that I squeezed her so hard until i hear her moan.For a couple seconds I look at her brown eyes and try not to imagin her with green.With free hand I grab her neck and hair on the neck and push her head closer to me.In first she was trying to push away from me,but that resistance was so weak that I almost didn't realized it.I closed my eyes and cover her lips with mine complitly forgeting that she have lipstick.In first her lips was hard and she refused to kiss me back trying to push me away with her little hands.When I was planing to give up she responds and for a little bit open her mouth.I found her tongue aginst mine and I could feel the taste of coffee in my mouth.The kiss became passioned and I get her waist with one hand,and pull her closer still pushing her in the wall.She put her hands around my neck and with fingers pulled my hair.I moaned and I could feel how i breathe rapidly.She sent a chill down the spine.

I can't think about her.Not on that way..I need to be a brother to her..I just can't..I will destroy her like I destroy Annie..

Nobady,except Francis,don't really know what happened that night..

That was so long time ago,but when pictures comes in my head I fell like I'm living that again.

It was some bithday..I think Josh was the one who made the party,but i can't really remember..Francis was so drunk that he fucked with three girls in the bathroom.He was absent for two hours..Annie and me,well we always had our little things...She was bad girl..But when i say 'bad' I don't think just wear that clothes..She was mean,like when you take a lollipop from kid.She loved when she can watch when someone feel the pain.She was smoking the pot,drinking more than any guy that I ever met and you can call her a whore..She was something like sexually opsessed.You can say that we were pretty active.She was really atractive with her long black hair and green eyes whos shining in dark.She was tall and handsome.She had really good butt and boobs.Yes,she was cruel,but when you met her like for real she can be so good that i don't have the words.She was ambitions.She was bad girl but she had her dreams and she was smart,she was best student in her school.When we get in relationship she stopped with pot and alcohol..She was still smoking cigarets but that was okay.

That night in one moment I lost her.I knew what that mean.She is somewhere with school kids smoking pot or drinking.I was looking all around to find her,but she was nowhere...I started to panick,what if something happened to her? Is she alright? I found Francis with some new girl with his hands in her shirt where you can only found her boobs.He was mad when I push her away and pull him with me.He was really drunk.When i asked him did he saw Annie he said that he think that he saw her in bathroom but he's not sure.I run upstairs and try to opened the door of the bathrom.They were locked.I was trying and trying until I sew that someone opened the door.I was shocked with what I saw.There is she,beautiful like always,sitting naked on the sink with her head tilted backwards.In her hand I saw pot.She look at me smilling and said 'Hi Jack..You came here to fuck me like the rest of the house?Well you are late.' I didn't know what to say.She stand up walking toward me in the hallway and downstairs.I was just standing there with my mouth opened and my hand in the air still looking for door.I could hear the mail whistling when she walked downstairs.

I look at the guy in front of me.He was naked too.He wasnt pretty,he was school loser.The school loser who just fucked my girlfriend.He was standing there with his small dick and stupid smile on his face.I could feel how anger control me.I jumped on him hitting him over and over again.I couldn't stop.I look on the sink and saw scissors.I take them and with shaky hand plunged them in his dick.He was screaming and screaming.I don't really remember what happened to him but he's alive now,and he couldn't remember who attcak him.

After that I walk down with blood on my hands and pants.I look around and saw her on the table with some blond guy between her legs.The guy was so short that he was on the chair.I turned around trying to control my anger and saw Francis standing there sucking some girls face.She with her hands on his dick,him with his hands on her ass.He opened his eyes like he knew that i was watching him.When he saw me he immediately push the girl away and came to me.He looked behind me and I could saw the shock on his face.He walked towards me and I could hear the sound of cracking and screaming.He was drunk,he didn't know what he doing.But i wasn't drunk and I ruined that boys life.I don't know what I would do that that happened to me.When i turned around I saw blond guy on the floor with broken chair next to him.I saw when Francis take Annie in her arms and walk to me.She was trying to relesse but Francis is strong.She was trying to convince him to sleep with her and all waht he said was 'you digust me'.And that was his last words to her.She jumped down and run out.We followed her but it was to late.She was in her car.She opened the window and her last words to me was 'You ruined me Jack!'...

In the morning they found her naked bodey in blood.She had car accident.She died.

I still can hear her last words repeat in my head over and over again.I shake my head and realized that it's almost five in the morning.

Rays of the sun illuminate the floor.Grain of dust are dancing on the sun rays playing their little game.I stretched out my hand to feel the sun.I feel warmth.

I don't know why she did that..Was all what we had just a game to her? We can't pretend like there was nothing.I saw her in all her moods,I was always there for her..And she was there for me.She was always kind..She was the bravest girl I ever met..She was the girl with angel face but with a devil heart.I think that she planed all..She knew that that would hurt me the most.Seeing her fucking with someone elese,his hands on her skin,him inside her...It still hurts..The point is she would make me to forgive her,like she always did..But she died..She died 'cause of me...

On the funeral was all her,you can call,friend,familly and kiths.She was there too.They cleaned her bodey and she was sleeping in the suitcase.She was wearing black dress and she was so white like never before.Her green eyes were closed forever and her black hair was all around her.In her hand was just one white rose.White rose was just like her.Beautiful but with thorns.The thorns who killed thier ovner.

I blinked couple times realizing that i'm crying.I closed my eyes....

Her parents give me her diary,but I didn't read it..I was thinking that I will break down if i read it..

I remember the song where the singer said: 'The worst part wasn't losing  him it was losing me' or something like that...I agree..I lost myself with her...