The Other Side Of Me

Chapter 4: In the Grip of Fear

Hiccup didn't end up falling asleep until late that night. His mind was overflowing with all the possibilities. He had refrained from joining the others at dinner. He knew that a barrage of questions would overwhelm him. The aching in his head never truly went away. It only dulled enough to become bearable. Though the attempted support of his friends would be appreciated, he could not handle it. They tended to be as persistent as the echoing. Nothing would get them to back down.

He knew he needed sleep. He could feel it trying to pull him into the darkness. But, an underlying fear kept him up. The fear that the pain had become strong enough to overcome him in his sleep. He was afraid that he would not be able to fight in his sleep. That the echoing voices would pull him away, taking any control from him.

But, even though his mind and heart continued racing, sleep eventually won. He drifted uneasily into his dreams, the pain still clawing at his body.

Uncertainty kept his dreams wild. He knew the day would come when he would have no choice but to give in. The pain would become too much for him to bear, breaking him down until he could not take any more. In his dreams, he prayed to the gods that the day wouldn't come any time soon.

Hiccup awoke exhausted, sore, and hungry. The constant battle in his mind and body was wearing him thin, and skipping meals was no aid on the battlefield.

Seeing that his rider had awoken, Toothless perked up and made his way to the bedside. He looked at his rider with big, worried eyes. Hiccup rubbed his eyes as he spoke. "It's okay, bud. I'm just a little sore." Toothless huffed in his face, a clear sign of protest. "Alright, alright," Hiccup held his hands up, "I'm a little more than just sore. But, there isn't anything I can do about it. This is just how it works. You know that." Toothless grumbled as he turned and headed towards the stairs. Hiccup rolled his eyes as he got up to follow his dragon.

He knew skipping breakfast wasn't an option. One way or another he would need to face their questions, and he needed to eat. The aching had dulled down a considerable amount. At least enough to give hope for an easy morning. Hiccup stretched one last time before looking at his dragon. "Well, Toothless, let's head over for breakfast I guess."

Hiccup and Toothless walked out of the hut and toward the clubhouse.

Before he entered, Hiccup took a deep breath to prepare himself. The smell of food almost made him forget about the coming questions and concerns. Nonetheless, he turned the corner and walked in before he could change his mind.

Immediately, all eyes were on him. He cringed at the sudden attention but tried to ignore it as he grabbed a plate and sat down.

"Hiccup, why didn't you come to eat with us last night? Are you okay?" Fishlegs asked. That was a fair question.

"Oh, yeah, I'm fine," he did his best to put on a smile, "I just wasn't that hungry." A complete lie, but they didn't need to know that. That was another reason Hiccup despised when the cycle would come around. He hated lying to his friends, and he wasn't very good at it. But, this always required him to lie. For their safety. "Are you sure?" Astrid challenged. "You seemed spaced out yesterday when we were talking in the forest. That's not really like you." She looked and sounded worried. Hiccup winced. He knew she could see through his lies. "Yeah, you looked totally out of it yesterday," Snotlout vouched.

Hiccup put his hands up in defense, trying to sound as calm as possible. "Guys, I'm fine. I've just had a lot of new... invention stuff... on my mind. You know how I can get with stuff like that." He hoped it would be enough to get them off his back, even if it was only for a while. He breathed a sigh of relief when the gang seemed to back off. He noticed Astrid sigh as she looked down to focus on her food. He couldn't help but feel guilty. She was his betrothed, and he was lying to her. Even if it was for her own good, deep down he couldn't help but feel shameful.

Their breakfast continued smoothly. The gang was conversing well, no one brought up any questions regarding Hiccup which left him to eat in peace. Though it seemed as their meal went on, Hiccup's hopes for an easy morning were soon disregarded. The gnawing in his mind began to build. It was manageable, but Hiccup knew it would quickly grow. He tried to focus on the food in front of him and the people around him, hoping it would be enough to keep him grounded and guide him through the coming waves.

After many years, he had come to be good at predicting how the cycle would happen. It always started light. A dull headache in the back of his mind that would come and go. He had been dealing with that all morning. Soon, it would escalate, building up to a pounding accompanied by strange voices that tried to pull him every which way. Hiccup was well aware that soon the pain would be unmanageable for a public situation. If he had stayed in his hut things wouldn't be so bad. But, he was here, with his friends, with no easy way out.

Hiccup hadn't noticed when he stopped eating. But, Astrid had. She watched as a lost look came to his eyes, the same one she had seen the day before. She knew what would happen if she tried to snap him out of it and ask questions. So, instead, she decided to watch. She noticed the others watching him too. Each of them watched out the corner of their eye, trying to maintain a conversation so as not to tip off their leader. As the gang looked on, they watched as Hiccup tensed up a bit, as if he were bracing for something. Something resembling fear flashed in his eyes for a moment. None of them knew what to do. Feeling helpless they could only continue to observe.

Hiccup knew staying with all of them wouldn't make it any easier. He should have just taken a plate and left. But, it was too late. The aching consumed his thoughts. He could hardly move, suddenly feeling sore all over. His body didn't feel like his own. He knew the gang was most likely watching him, but what could he do about it? He was putting everything he had into not letting go. Not giving in. That was a mistake he would only make once in his life. He tried breathing slowly. In and out. Easy enough.

After a few minutes, things started to die down. Just enough that he had the strength to make it back to his hut. Without a second thought on his decision, he did his best to blink away the tears in his eyes, rise from his seat, and head towards his hut. "I need to go," was all he said as he left the gang worried and confused.