Detective Conan - Magic Kaito oneshots

The pain of knowing your own failure

Shinichi was kicking his legs under the table in discreet impatience, or at least he was thinking that he was doing it discreetly. Lunch was decidedly less important than running back to the library and continuing reading in his opinion.

His mother had long noticed and was fighting herself to keep from smiling and teasing him about it. If she brought up that he was acting childish he would stop. And she didn't want that. Her son was already too mature for his tender age of four and she was painfully aware that that was mostly her fault.

She'd never really been prepared for a child. The decision to have Shinichi had been a light-hearted one, not thought through properly. More like: 'why not? It might be fun!'

Only afterwards, when she'd started noticing that already pregnancy itself wasn't a piece of cake had she started to realize that she might've made a mistake. Not for Shinichi's sake, god forbid. Not one minute in her life did she wish for him to never have been conceived, she loved her son like almost every other parent loved their child.

But sometimes she wished that, for his sake, he should have been born to different parents. Better parents. Yusaku wasn't a great help, he was always busy writing, thus distant without really meaning to, but like every other mother she was expected to do the heavy lifting alone when it came to raising children. But she simply wasn't cut out for that. Too used to a self-centred life of luxury.

She hadn't confided into anyone about this, the shame of her own incapability to be a good mother was too big. She wasn't sure if she'd ever tell anyone at all. The former actress would probably take her doubts and worries to the grave, held back by her pride to ask for help. How was she supposed to ask those of her friends, who were mothers as well, for help? She'd seem so awful...
A therapist was unthinkable even, despite how much she might've needed it.

While everything else was going downhill, especially her happiness, her acting skills were still brilliant though, that's why she smiled happily as she ate lunch with her husband and son.

And still her mother skills were poor at best. She simply hadn't been prepared when Shinichi came into her life. Sure, she'd made sacrifices before, she'd given up acting to become Yusaku's wife and spend more time with him. And that hadn't even paid off since he was always so busy and she was just bored and felt lonely in the meantime, she thought, now years later.

But she had never expected the sacrifices a child needed her to make. She hadn't made a clean cut, was still longing for her life before Shinichi. And feeling horrible about that. The woman knew that Shinichi was so mature because she was too childish and incapable to change that, so he started acting like the adult while she was still the silly immature one.

Next to her, her husband asked their son to recite the alphabet forwards and backwards in multiple languages, the boy did so without fail, not even a second thought. Then they proceeded to do fourth grade mental arithmetic. Yukiko knew that her son needed this to stimulate his brain, still it scared her.

Shinichi was a prodigy, gifted, super intelligent, a genius- however one might call it. They hadn't needed a test to see that, had in fact purposefully refrained from it to keep him off the records. They also never explicitly told him. It should be his decision to reveal himself to the public, they'd agreed.

Yukiko was sure that he would though. He'd realize that he was smarter than the others sooner rather than later and then... Seeing as to who his parents were and how she was failing in raising him properly, she doubted that he'd stay clear of arrogance and the wish to present his intellectual skills to the world. He'd never be content with a normal life, just like her, which saddened her greatly.

She knew what she was missing out on, seeing the normal happy families in the streets, and still couldn't help it. She had a husband and a child, and she was unhappy. Overplaying her dissatisfaction and how overwhelmed she was by having to raise an almost unnaturally gifted child while being an unprepared immature fool on a daily basis.

If Yukiko allowed herself to dream, she saw herself acting again, easily passing the time Yusaku needed for his work.

And when they both came home, they were happy to see each other, being apart for work stopping them from getting used to the other's presence and taking them for granted, making every minute together valuable. They enjoyed each other's company again and were happy. They travelled around, unbound by anything but their love for each other.

And Shinichi... Shinichi lived in a nice house that wasn't as unnecessarily big and thus mostly empty as theirs, but instead a little more cluttered, more lived in. He had a loving mother and father and siblings who loved him dearly for who he was and did their best to understand him despite his different way of thinking, knew how to walk the thin line of how to deal with his genius and still treat him appropriately for a child without frustrating him.

His parents taught him how to behave in social situations to the best of his abilities, to not look down on others because they were slower and to try his best to not get annoyed at them for it.

They taught him to always offer help when it was needed, to be kind and polite and modest, to be tolerant and accepting of others and their opinions, to defend those who became victims of injustice and couldn't help themselves, to be a gentleman and take care of himself and those he cared about properly.

His siblings helped him make friends and always had his back, never allowing him to know the feeling of being alone and all on his own. Shinichi grew up loved and properly supported, had a good relationship to his family, insanely good grades by nature, nice friends and a girlfriend later in life.

The world was his oyster, he had every opportunity in it. He'd go into science of some sort and make ground-breaking discoveries that revolutionized the world. He'd get married and have children, save the world in the meantime and grow old happily.

If Yukiko hadn't been such a good actress thanks to the training of the best mentor in the world, her sad smile would've broken through her mask and she would've stared into the distance longingly. In reality she finished her meal on autopilot and allowed her impatient little boy to leave the table and go back to his books, once his plate was empty, with a bright smile and an energetic nod.

And she didn't allow her face to fall once her husband got up, only seconds after their little boy had run off, and walked off mumbling about deadlines as he buried his nose in a little notebook, the pages filled with illegible notes. They left her all by herself at the kitchen table, only their remaining dirty dishes present as proof of their existence.

If she wasn't the perfect actress she was, Yukiko would've propped her elbows up on the table, buried her face into her hands and started crying shamelessly about how this wasn't the life she'd wanted. But as it was, she got up to clean the dishes, pushing down all of her worries and doubts.

She didn't know if she could keep this up forever or if she would give into the urge of running away one day and leave her old life behind. Maybe she'd convince Yusaku to come with her and forget about his deadlines for once. They'd leave Shinichi behind and she'd be heartbroken with guilt but free. She could start acting again if she got bored...

Yukiko held back a sigh, she had to stop mulling over 'what if's', it wasn't good for one's mental health. Her life was supposed to be perfect; she was in no position to complain. Still she was afraid that she'd start complaining one day. And that there would be no one she could burden with her complaints without destroying the image she strived to uphold, no one who wouldn't be able to brush her off, no one but Shinichi.

She'd absolutely hate having to shove her problems, her dissatisfaction with life onto her son, annoying him or, even worse, causing him to think that he was at fault, that she didn't love him or that she wished he didn't exist. And at the same time, she knew that she wouldn't be above doing just that when she'd reached that point.

Since she was completely alone Yukiko allowed herself to furtively wipe a stray tear off her cheek before she went on pretending and distracting herself like she always did.