Chasing Reality [sequel to Autistic Innocence -J.M]

Chapter 40

Jason's P.O.V

We all sat in the living room. Staring at each other. Well really, everyone's eyes were on me and I was staring at the floor.

It was time.

I take a deep inhale through my nose and let out a shaky breath through my mouth. I hadn't even realized my leg was shaking almost uncontrollably until a hand was placed on it gently- Avalanna's.

She gives me a small smile and nod as if encouraging me to go on ahead and talk and I sigh before nodding as well.

Looking around at all my kids- except Melissa and Xavier's because I felt as if they were too young to understand what was going on right now- I realize that I wasn't able to keep eye contact with any of them for a long period of time.

I was scared. I was hurt. And I was embarrassed.

"I-" my voice is shaky, I can't even recognize it as soon as it comes out of my body.

"Uhh- I guess you guys know that my memory came back.. and it came back a while ago too." I start off with the easier stuff. "And.. I did- I didn't wanna tell any of y-you because I was tired of being a-alone." I take a deep breath in as I try to keep my feelings at bay and hold my tears back.

"I know.. God, I know, that I deserved everything that happened to me. Everything I went through. Every single ounce of pain I felt, I fucking deserved it because I hurt you guys so much more," I can't even hold it in any more at that point- I start to cry.

"I wanna say with all my heart that the person that y'all saw the past couple of months wasn't me, I want to say that I'm the greatest father and husband in the world and that I tried my best, but I'm not and I didn't. I could've done something-anything- else to keep us out of this entire situation but because I'm such a fucking screw up who can't do anything right we all got hurt in the end. And I'm sorry!" I sobbed, tears rolling down my face at an uncontrollable rate.

"Yes, I cheated on your mom, my wife. And that's the biggest mistake I've ever made in my life and God knows that I've made a lot, b-but I didn't want to. That's not me any more." I cried.

I tried to look up at Ava through my tears and see her eyes barley meet mine with tears streaming down her face as well just at the sight of me crying and she goes to wipe her face with the back of her hand.

I glance up at a cleared throat and see Jr glaring down at the floor with his jaw clenched and fists digging into the couch cushions but his eyes were red as he tried to hold back his tears- something that reminded me a lot of myself. Camilla was quietly crying and picking at her little blanket while Jazzy managed to maintain eye contact with me through her tears as well.

"W-what happened then?" She asked, her voice hoarse and heavy with pain and hesitation.

"I-um-I- I.." I trailed off, not meaning to but because I had never actually said what happened to me out loud- it hurt so much worse- as if I was finally admitting it to both my family and myself.

It took me quite a minute to try to gather all my thoughts into my head and try to put them into words.

But once I did, there was no turning back.

"There's some things that you guys don't know about me," I clear my throat. "And for as long as I can keep it like that, it's going to stay that way." I state to them.

My kids didn't know I was in a gang, let alone a gang leader, and I didn't want to expose them to that kind of life. Ever. I wanted to keep Ava protected from it too but I just couldn't, not with the way our earlier relationship had went.

"But, I did have some people coming after me. Some really bad people who wanted to do really bad things. And they did. But they did it to me- all of it." The tears rush down my face as I clench my jaw to try to stop myself from crying and breaking down all over again.

"What do you mean all of it?" Jr asks quietly, as if he was afraid of my answer.

My eyes squeeze shut and I rock back and forth slightly to try to keep my composure at least a little bit.

"T-they um- they- they- the bad p-people- wanted to hurt y'all. They k-knew y'all were my only weakness and they t-tried to use y'all against me. They were gonna c-come after y'all so that's w-why I tried to drive y'all a-away from me." I cried.

"I acted as if I was cheating at first, but then one of the guys h-had a daughter who wanted me a-and when I s-said no- when I b-begged them n-not to. T-they took me. All of them. They all just fucking took me!" I sobbed.

"T-they touched me and did things to me that no human being on earth should ever experience.. a-and Camilla I'm so fucking sorry." I chocked on my sobs as I use all my strength to look up at one of my teenage daughters who was sobbing quietly to herself while curling up into her own body- the same way I did for a couple of weeks once the incident happened.

"Y-you were just a baby- y-you w-were m-my baby- and I- and I w-wasn't t-there f-for you." I sobbed.

By this point I couldn't even feel myself breath.

I place my head in my hands and rock back and forth as the sobs raked through my body even though I was fighting to breath. My chest felt as if it was tightening beyond the point of being me able to stand it and I started to gasp while my body shook uncontrollably.

"D-daddy. It's o-okay," someone speaks up for the first time and my mind can't even process that it's Camilla.

"W-what'a happening?" Jr asks in a worried voice. "D-dad? Are you okay?" I wish I could have taken the fear out of his voice. I wish I could've stopped crying and internally screaming. I wish I could look into my son's eyes and tell him that I was okay.

But I wasn't.

And I don't think that I'd ever be.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Beyond overdue for an update. I'm so sorry.

A lot has been going on in life for not only me but for everyone- especially now.

There's so much shit I have to say to y'all and so much gratitude I want to share but I'll publish an authors not probably after the next update.

Y'all deserved this.

I'm sorry and plz plz plz..

STAY INSIDE AND STAY SAFE.

SOCIAL DISTANCE.

We're all in this together. It's okay- we'll get through this.

Stay strong and use this time to spend time w your family or reach out to people you haven't spoken to but want to.

Life isn't guaranteed. Live it to the fullest.

Much love

- Jazmine 💞