We'll Heal, Maybe Eventually...
"I wasn't really going to say this..."
"Then don't!"
How hard is it to forget a conversation that only contains these simple words?
I would say, it is honestly hard. It hurts that that's the last conversation I had with her. It hurts when I think I should forget, but it also hurts when I decide I should remember it.
She was the star I've always wanted to reach, the one I love the most, the one I have always admired.
But it was a hopeless love.
The more I love her, the more it hurts my heart.
One day, she wanted to meet, she blabbered too much nonsense. I would say that was the last day we saw each other with smiles on our faces.
What's funny is that she looked serious. I couldn't see the usual face of her which is always on the verge of crying. She was never the serious nor the bright girl I knew, she was fragile and always looked like a girl any man would want to protect. I smiled slightly because of it, but I couldn't believe my ears for hearing her.
Since then, she just kept on pushing me away....
Would you know how hard it is to let go without a reason?
I know. She made me experience it.
News even came to me about her, when I was advised not to hear from her.
A high fever? ok, that's nothing to be worried about. I visited her once, then she told me not to come again.
It was hard to turn my back on her. But, I let her go, just because of her silly request, I never got to know the reason why..
Until she was taken to the hospital.
A high fever was just the tip of what she's desperately hiding. She has asthma so it's understandable that she'd cough, but Pneumonia? This isn't a joke anymore. They never told me she had that.
It was a week later when I found out that she was taken to the hospital. It was a week later when I found out she died.
Just a mere month made it all too clear for me. A mere month of her stay in the hospital, made it the last month of her stay in this world.
In our relationship, there was a 6 inch wall between us. I never tried crossing that wall, instead I'd say to myself, I'd be able to see what is on the other side someday for sure.
Now I know how painful the word "someday" is. It's like waiting for a day that would never come.
I couldn't cross that 6-inch gap until it wasn't there anymore.
The regret climbed from my feet to my brain.
I know it's stupid and useless, but now, I keep reaching out even when I knew that there isn't anything to reach out anymore.
I just know that she's somewhere near, also reaching out for my hand..
....
I don't know why I told him that. For a last conversation, I should have said goodbye in a nicer way.
But I just can't make him hope I'd come back to him. I want him to hate and forget me.
He's my love, my life, and my hope. But it was a hopeless love.
The more I love him, the more it hurts me.
I don't want him to keep loving a nearly expired girl like me. There's no point in keeping him beside me.
What would he do if I die after he's given all his love?
I don't even know at what past I should start thinking. There's too much things we never got to do, will never even get to think we should do.
There is too much loose ends.
But then again, I'm thankful.
I will keep on watching and reaching out for you.
It's fine if you find someone better than me, much better.Then, I would be very happy for you, I wouldn't have to worry about your endless nights alone, I wouldn't be worrying about you eating alone, and crying alone. I want you to be happy. I will watch you until the time I know you can let go, I swear not to shed a single tear. I'll try being cheerful, I'll root for you, I'll support you. Even if you'd forget me eventually, I'll be happy for you.
——Yuu and Ana——
