Glow in the Dark
Just like how my star needs light for it to shine brighter, maybe she only needs my gaze for her to continue to twinkle.
"Go get your food already. What are you thinking about so much?"
"Should I just ask her out?"
"Huh? Ahh. Go, do it. I'll come with you if you want."
"But I don't know when I'll do it."
"Do it now, confess now. Why do you need to think of a date, just do it now, right now. Do you really need to think twice, these things shouldn't be dragged on."
"Why are you so worked up? What's up with you?"
"Just do it. Don't let a chance pass by. Go on, I'll go with you."
"Why you care so much?"
"Because I was once like that. I just realize how annoying I was when you acted like me."
"Ahh, then what happened?"
"What Happened?"
"Yep, what happened?"
"I let it drag on, and I look for excuses until the day I was supposed to ask her out."
"then?"
"then when I was on my way to her, I realized I was already too late."
"why do you think so?"
"I just had the feeling. I started to notice the difference of her from when I never thought of confessing and from when I acted out of my character."
"Bummer dude."
"That's why you should confess before anything changes. Confess like there's no tomorrow."
"Is that even right? Shouldn't I take my time at least?"
"There shouldn't be any time to waste. Waste all of it when you're official."
"But, what happened to the girl of your story. Where is she now?"
"I don't know. I don't want to know. I can't seem to know. I should've never known in the first place. Maybe both of us could've avoided getting hurt. But don't worry, I'm pretty sure I'm the only one still struggling to move on."
"Why do you think so?"
"I just feel like it."
I went out of the convenience store after eating dinner with my friend.
The place I'm staying is a share house. It's a place my boss built for his workers.
I couldn't really tell my friend this but I actually know where that girl is. She's with me. Staying in the same house as me. Though we agreed to pretend we don't know each other.
Life is tight to the both of us, so even if we didn't like the coincidence that we live in the same house, not one of us decided to go out.
She said my boss was her friend, and that she didn't have a place to stay. We're both homeless creatures.
Now that I think of it, there's more similarities between us.
Just like the fact that we're both orphans, that we struggle to earn money and the fact that we both needed space in that share house. Also, we enjoy listening to rain, we both love the smell of earth after rain and we both find happiness from the stars.
We both believe that when we look at a certain star, then look away, and then if we look again and still see the star at the same spot, that means our special one will also stay by our side.
It sounds ridiculous and stupid, but we didn't care. It's not really bad to believe at some stupid things.
It's real until one thinks it's not.
Whenever we stay out at night, we would carry a flashlight, why? Because we also stupidly think that pointing it up at the sky would make the star shine even brighter. So we point it straight at the sky, look for a star, and there we do what we believe in.
Always with no fail, I find my way back to that certain star. Then I would always know that we'd stay beside each other.
Maybe because I was just stupid, I kept on doubting my feelings, that when I finally got a hold of myself, it was already too late. We were so close, so close that one might think we were actually dating. But no, we were so close yet so far, because of that, my chance of getting even closer just got further away.
I was just stupid.
Nowadays, I just cry whenever I stare at the sky. For some reasons, I couldn't see that star anymore.
To be honest, she was the star, and just like how I can't see that star in the sky, I can't see her anymore. Same feeling as to how I can only reach out to that star, I can only reach out to her but never really reach her for real.
Now I just walk straight and never look up.
I walk straight to the door and enter the house without wondering how the sky would look like, without wondering if that bright star is looking at me, without wondering if that star would still be there if I take a look. I ignored the sky. In my memory, I think she does the same, she does not look at the night sky anymore. Come to think of it, I've never seen her ignore the sky before, it was actually her that taught me about it, now she also ignores it.
On my way to my room was always her space.
Always, I'd see her door shut, so I wouldn't even hope to see if she's inside or not.
But tonight, it was slightly opened. Light inside keep getting dimmer then brighter. Maybe I'm still stupidly inlove, I got so curious as to what she's doing inside.
For the first time, I saw what's inside of her room. Then I could feel tears flowing out of my eyes.
Light's out. She's lying down on her bed, her head straight up at the ceiling, face as blank as a piece of paper, staring at nowhere but the ceiling almost spacing out, or maybe actually spacing out..
Her phone facing up, she keeps adjusting the brightness from dimmest to brightest.
There in her room, she's still staring at the stars attached to the ceiling, where she keeps on lighting it up so that she'd continue to see it.
After a long while, her eyes gently closes, her hands slowly lets go of the phone, and the phone finally turning off. She fell asleep.
I see a night sky still exists for her. It might not be the almighty grand sky from the outside, but the sky inside her own world.
Just then I realised, she wasn't the one who got away, I was actually the one who didn't see her standing in front of me and chose to go away myself. I actually thought I was too late and thinking of giving up when in fact until now she still waits for me.
I assumed I was the one left behind and hurting, but there she was, looking for that missing star in her glow in the dark sky inside her room.
Maybe if I didn't try so hard to move on and just tried to stay for a bit longer and give my attention, she wouldn't disappear in my sight.
Just like how my star needs light for it to shine brighter, maybe she only needs my gaze for her to continue to twinkle.
Maybe the reason why I couldn't see my star anymore is because it was already resting in my heart, I guess I was just dumb enough not to feel her.
I realised I wasn't the only one who couldn't move on. So this is how it feels like to know both sides of the story.
A story of the boy who stuggles to forget and the girl who struggles to remember.
