What if I like you like that?
"What is paradise if not the chance to reset my life?"
That's what she said to me.
I thought deep and long enough to answer nothing but my silence. There were no words fitting for an answer since I myself would also see that as a pleasure. I, for one, also want to reset my pathetic life.
I thought I had what I need for me to soar, but that didn't make me fly for long. When I thought I had what I need, I had been actually carrying what weights me down, and for that, my wish for a restart became too great that it now sounds as if angels singing to my ears.
We both share the same thought about restarting our lives. We both share the same pleasure of imagining our lives in different stories.
'I would have been a very decent and reliable man if I lived in this kind of life.', 'Life wouldn't be so hard if I knew what I had to avoid.', 'I could've been a very different person if I lead my life the way I should have.' These are what runs in our heads and "Reset" is the feather that tickles our minds.
We felt happy talking about different lives, different stories, different scenarios. We forget our wretched lives by writing our own stories. Be it meaningless or nonsense, we never cared since our lives are trash any which way we look at it.
Our thought about life is very much alike. This is what she says about hers:
"What is life when you didn't live in it. I didn't live my life, I let crash on me. I let it kill me. I didn't want this life anyway, why would I give so much effort in living it."
"Enough thinking about that. What if I tell you that I like you like that? That you don't really need to change anything." Ahh~ how much I sought for courage to say these words. All I could do was listen to a girl my age talk about life as if we're full grown people.
We'd hang until dawn. We'd let our feet freeze in cold night as we lie down on cold grassy ground. She would always let out a deep sigh as she stretches her back. She would look straight up, helplessly counts stars that were supposed to appear in the starless night sky, and would start murmuring about herself.
"I hate how my brain remembers what I want to forget. I hate my body for being so pathetically pathetic. I hate my eyes for having seen things I never would've wanted to see. I hate my mouth for eating things I didn't even want to taste. I hate my hands for touching what I never even think of touching. I hate fate for giving me a journey I never wanted. I hate my life for telling a story worthy of being thrown into the bottom of the ocean. How can a story be so pathetically written? I have never even tried to erase one bit of it's details, for I fear it'll worsen my state. Up to this point, my only breathe of air is the thought of restarting my life."
But what if I like you like that? What would your reaction be like? Would you be happy that a person like me would love you despite your flaws? Would you be sad if only a person like me would understand your state?
If only I could say this to her.
I always feel bad for everything she spits out about herself. None of it I ever saw a possible flaw of hers, all I see are flowers blooming to make a clear path for her. I look at her and I would see that flowering path appearing for her feet to walk onto...
Though that is what's invisible in her eyes.
I remember her saying that she only needs one person to be with, that might give her a reason to stay in this world. I wanted to raise my hand and tell her I'm that person, I'm that one person she needs, but I couldn't. Maybe I was just a bit too young to have enough courage to volunteer for something grand as to be her 'one person'.
But that was all in the past. That was just a thing kids talk about when life gets hard. I'm now an adult, coming home after years of working my ass off in a lousy job I got with my lousy skills.
I'm coming back in my hometown where she waited for almost a decade. I'm finally coming home after all these years. I'm finally seeing her for the first time after a very long while.
I see now I'm an adult, for I don't think I need to reset my life anymore. I only think of the present where I should work hard to gain experience. Experience I can brag about to my junior workers.
I see now I'm an adult, for I can only worry about my expenses and not nonsensical blabbers of a girl next door.
Here I come, with a bouquet of bright colored flowers softly laid back in my arm, finally visiting her after a decade.
How'd you been, May? Are you able to reset your life? Are you living just fine now? I hope we could talk together like we did before.
I never would have thought you meant this when you said you wanted reset. You could've given me hints about this.
I'm sorry for coming here only now, after so long. I just couldn't bring myself to walk in the same path we used to walk when we were kids, I can't enjoy the small things I used to enjoy with you. I can't view this world the same as before, now that you're not here anymore.
You see, I gave up with this reset thing after that day, and look, I'm living just fine now. I realized I can continue living in this life, all I need is a bit of a push from someone else. It wasn't you, but you're still a part of the reason why I kept trying.
Wherever you are, be it in this world or the world you've always wanted to live in, I hope you're having fun. I may not have provided you happiness in this life, in the next I'll remember you and I'll find you first, and in that life I'll make sure you won't feel as empty as you did in this life.
One thing I couldn't tell you back then, is that, whatever you are, however you live your life, you don't really need a reset, since I already like you like that. I was that one person but I let it slide. I'm sorry I was such a coward. I don't think I'm deserving of being your friend in this life.
For that,
I, Fabien, am resigning as your partner in crimes of the reset project.
I hope you well.
I promise to work on my courage and confidence. I'll be a better man in the next life. I'll definitely take your hand next time.
It may take a very long time. It may be the next life or even after that life or maybe even after that. Please be patient for I am a very coward man.
But don't worry, I will find you and will definitely tell you all these things without fail. Until we meet again.
