My Boy Best Friend's Perspective
"Jackson, I think I finally found someone, but I don't think he knows that I exist. Do you think I have a chance if I ask him out?"
You don't really need to find someone, I've always been here.
"You're a girl, Sally. It's improper for a girl to ask that first."
"But, if I don't ask first, then I wouldn't really have a chance at all."
Chances comes to you in the most obvious way, it's just that you were too busy doing something else that you didn't notice it coming.
"Then, fine. Ask him. I'll just stuck myself behind you. But don't go dumping all your time on him. You still have practice and rent to pay."
It's already been 15 years since I met this unbelievably lovable girl. We've been friends since we were in fourth grade. Now that we're adults, many have been asking if we're dating each other.
Sadly, no. My girl best friend, Sally, is very sensitive about relationships. She tries hard to be close with people that somehow looked like wanting to be close to her.
Also, she treasures her closest persons. I guess I'm one of them, and also I suppose that's the reason why she doesn't want to be in a romantic relationship with me, because I'm a family to her. She'd always say that, "In a relationship, when love is mixed with friendship, after it's broken, people can't just go back to being friends." which made sense.
Actually, I seriously wanted to ask her out, but I also feel the same way. I don't want to feel awkward around her if ever we break up or something.
But still, I wouldn't ask her out if I would ask to just break up eventually. I'm not stupid enough to destroy our relationship.
But still, yeah, I do feel like love will just break us apart.
And unfortunately for me, she has been crushing on someone else for about a year now.
All there is for me to do is support her, because what are friends for, right?
Of all my friends though, one asked why I kept insisting that we're only friends. I know right, I mean how can a grown up man and a grown up woman stay friends after going throught half their lives together. It'll be impossible to not have at least one thought of liking the other or being fluttered.
But I think that's the case for us. I might say I like her, but she likes someone else.
And I'm ok with that. I can live with it. I can endure it. It's just love, anyway. Nothing to get sad about, it's nothing to die for.
Lately, though, she's been asking for advice. "What to do when I want to get close to people?" Saying 'This person is kind to me, I should be kind to her as well.' or 'If I do this, will I get close with this person?'
I don't really care about why she's asking that, and I do get the feeling that it's for the guy she likes. But I still have to answer it honestly, right?
I think it's nonsense. I mean, why would you try so hard just to get close to someone.
First of all, I'm just here. I personally think that I'm the only one she has ever needed.
Second, she already has plenty of close friends around her.
And also lastly, new relationships tends to get better over time. People don't really need to try so hard. We should just let relationships flow by naturally.
Just like how our relationship has been flowing all over the place.
But after thinking those things by myself, I somehow feel bad. For someone who knew her for so long, I should be the one to understand her.
She's been going through so much. She's not in a good term with her mother, thus made her rent an apartment and live on her own. She seemed to not get any better in playing her piano, got turned down in orchestra 13 times, and got replaced in school competitions. She obviously skips her meals when days are tough.
She'd hurt her hands not because of practicing so much piano but because of working hard for her salary. She takes better care of her customers than herself.
She spends sleepless night because of unsolved concerns. Days feel like nights and night feel like days for her. She worry, she overthinks, she gets anxious, she stresses, she minds, and she cries on each and every little things.
She fills her mind with unnecessary things to escape reality. But even if that sounds pitiful, I still pathetically hope I'd be one of those unnecessary things she keeps in her mind.
She stumbles, she gets hurt, she stands up and try again, but still to no result. She's going through the longest tunnel of her life, and all I can do is to walk beside her. Or shoud I say, I'm watching, waiting for her at the end of that tunnel.
I used to tell her that she'll be fine, that she'll know it once it passed by.
Now I realized. People won't really know how cruel those words are for those who are walking through a tunnel. People wouldn't know the struggle unless they go through it themselves.
But at least I'm happy, 'cause now she finds happiness when she sees the one she likes.
All I can tell her now is that I'm also happy for her. That it's really fine to make mistakes from time to time, since everyone else does that too. That it's fine to crumble at times, and that she can always take a break from all of it. That it's not really bad if she'd just run away from it all. That she can always just run to me when she needs it.
I'll be her pillow, her handkerchief, her cover, her band aid, her umbrella, her everything that is small and unnoticed. I'll be her possession that seemed useless but priceless.
I wouldn't mind if she gets all her happiness from someone else, I'll just stick here for her. It's ok if she loves someone else, I'll just look at her from afar. It's totally fine if she eventually distant herself from me, because I know she'd look for me when she needs me.
I want her to feel relief, to have a good time. I want her to finally feel like she's at the end of the tunnel. I'll take all her hardship away and become her shield.
If even possible, I want to take all her pain away and become her strength, because you know what? Hurting on my own is not a really hard thing to do.
