My Golden Life

Chapter 55

We emerged from the water, staggering onto the shore. We were cold, soaked, and totally an utter mess. I was so glad we all came out of it alive, but my goodness, that was one of the scariest things I've ever experienced. I was shivering like a leaf and did my best to cough out the remaining water from my lungs. Puss tried to shake himself off but ended up looking like a giant fluff ball.

"How humiliating." Puss sighed.

"Oh, nice going, "Your Highness," Shrek yelled.

"Oh, so now it's "Your highness?" Artie shouted back. "What happened to "loser?" Huh?"

"Hey, if you think this is getting you out of anything, well, it isn't. We're heading back to Far Far Away one way or another, and you're gonna be a father!"

"What?" Artie asked.

I darted my eyes to Donkey and Puss, who had the same awkward expression as I had.

"A-hem," Donkey said under his breath to Shrek. "You just said, father..."

"You're... I said, King. You're gonna be King!" Shrek uttered.

"You're gonna be King!" Artie mimicked. "Yeah, right." He then marched down the beach towards a pathway leading into the forest.

"Where do you think you're going?" Shrek called out.

"Far Far Away... from you!" Artie yelled.

"You get back here, young man, and I mean it!"

"Artie, wait!" I cried, hurrying after him. 

I managed to catch up with him on the wooded trail. We walked for a bit in silence, and I could see how tense his face was getting. I couldn't imagine the amount of stress he must have been going through; he had gone from being a student to the future king of Far Far Away in the space of a day. If that's not crazy, then I don't know what is.

"You ok?" I said, placing my hand on his shoulder.

"It's just... all of this... do you seriously see me as king material?"

"Yea, I do," I smiled. "You will be the best king the land will ever have."

"You think so?"

"I know so."

"Thanks, Katie," he smirked.

As we continued on, the others finally caught up with us. Shrek hurried over to Artie and me, and at first, I thought he was going to apologise. What happened instead was both weird and super cringy.

"Listen, Artie," Shrek said. "If you think this whole mad scene ain't dope, I feel you dude. I mean, I'm not trying to get up in your grill or raise your roof or whatever, but what I am screaming is, yo, check out this kazing thazing bazaby."

I didn't know whether to bust out laughing or beg Shrek to stop. I glanced over at Artie, and he too looked just as puzzled as I was. The more Shrek continued talking, the more Artie began to pick up his speed.

"I mean, if it doesn't groove or what I'm saying ain't straight trippin', just say, oh no you didn't, you know, you're gettin' on my last nerve. And then I'll know it's... then I'll know it's whack-"

Before he could say another word, a tree branch whacked Shrek straight in the face. Artie began frantically running towards a clearing that had a house built into a large rock.

"Somebody help! I've been kidnapped by a monster trying to relate to me!" he screamed. The others and I hurried after him, but once Artie got to the house, he began to bang repeatedly on the door.

"Artie! wait!" I called out.

"C'mon! C'mon! Help! Help! Hello?" he called.

Suddenly, a burst of light shot out from a candle box that was hanging near the door, and a bright, colourful image of this older man's head projected out of it. I had never seen anything like it.

"Greetings, cosmic children of the universe, and welcome to my serenity circle!" the head said. "Please leave any bad vibes outside the healing vortex. And now prepare-" The projection then fizzled out and disappeared. The door creaked open and out stepped this old looking guy with an extremely long white beard. He was only wearing a long, baddy blue shirt; why he wasn't wearing trousers, I had no clue.

"I knew I should of gotten that warranty!" he whined, hitting the box. It then proceeded to zap him in the head.

"You've got to be kidding me," I groaned.

"Mr. Merlin?" Artie questioned.

"You two know this guy?" Shrek asked.

We both nodded.

"Yeah. He was the school's magic teacher," Artie explained.

"Until he had a nervous breakdown," I added.

"Uh, technically, I was merely a victim of a level three fatigue," Mr. Merlin argued. "And at the request of my therapist and the school authorities, I have retired to the tranquillity of nature to discover my divine purpose."

He then proceeded to slap a fly that had landed on his head, which made us all look at him in astonishment.

"Now, can I interest anyone in a snack or beverage?" he asked.

"Uh, no," Shrek replied.

Mr. Merlin then brought out this old tray filled with rocks.

"Sure you don't wanna try my famous rock au-gratin?" he asked again, eating a spoonful of it and crunching it loudly in his mouth. His gums weren't dealing with them well as they were severely bloody, making me cover my mouth in disgust.

"It's organic!" He smiled, his gums making us all feel highly uncomfortable.

"Oh, thanks, I just ate a boulder on the way in," Shrek said sarcastically. "What we need are directions back to Far Far Away."

"What's with the "we"? Who said I was going with you?" Artie asked.

"Oh, I did," Shrek yelled. "Cause there's a lot of people counting on you, so don't try and weasel out of it."

"If it's such a great job, why don't you do it?"

Shrek hesitated for a second before responding. "Understand this kid, it's no more Mr. Nice Guy from here on out!"

Artie then glared at him. "Oh, so that was your Mr. Nice Guy?"

"I know, and I'm gonna miss him."

"You know what? Why don't you go terrorise a village and leave me alone?"

"Guys, come on, please just stop?" I sighed, but my words fell on deaf ears.

"Oh, is that some kind of crack about ogres?" Shrek shouted. "You get your royal highness to Far Far Away before I kick it there."

He then turned to Mr. Merlin with a stern look on his face.

"Now, which way am I kicking?"

"Oh, I could tell you." He said, "But since you're in the midst of self-destructive rage spiral, it would be karmic-ly irresponsible."

"Huh?" I said.

"Self-destructive ra...Look, are you gonna help us or not?" Shrek asked.

"Most definitely," Mr. Merlin replied. "But only after you take the journey to your soul." He said in a powerful voice.

"Yeah, I don't think so," Shrek said.

"Look, pal, it's either that or some primal scream therapy." He argued. He then began to scream, but Shrek quickly covered his mouth to stop him. However, with Shrek's hand being super large, it ended up covering the entirety of Mr. Merlin's face.

"Alright, alright... journey to the soul." Shrek groaned.

I had absolutely no idea what it would entail, but I was certainly intrigued by it. It sounded quite deep and let it tell you, it really was.