Never stopped loving you

Slow recovery

Y/N's POV

Bucky and I had told each other about our experiences in Hydra, I had cried a few times and Bucky understood my pain which was nice, knowing I wasn't alone.

We comforted each other, I felt really close to him and like he said he felt like my big brother. I guess we had a connection due to us experiencing the same traumatic events.

I had started to remember some things, like names and certain memories of me as a little girl.

And Peter.

I felt attached to Peter, when I first met him I felt like I could trust him, I felt safe. It was rather odd as I hadn't really spent time with him whilst I had been back because I was trying to get my memory back, but the time I did spend with him, it was amazing. It's like he's the missing part of me, a perfect puzzle piece. Someone named Shuri who I learnt was the princess of Wakanda was coming tomorrow, she's going to try and regain my memories, hopefully things could be normal again. After mine and Bucky's session I went upstairs to the kitchen and decided to mingle with everybody to try and trigger my memory.

I instantly got along with Natasha, we spoke about her life as Black Widow and what we were like before I handed myself to Hydra. It made me a little teary-eyed at the thought of having forgotten about how close we were but Nat told me it wasn't my fault. Everyone said it wasn't my fault. But they were wrong. If I didn't hand myself over, I would of remembered everything and they wouldn't have to go through the trouble of helping me, but if I didn't go, there would be a big fight, people would of been getting hurt, killed even.

"Uh, I'm gonna head up to bed, socialising is really draining." I said stifling a laugh.

"Ok, sunshine, good night." My dad said placing a kiss on my head before turning back to talk to Steve.

I walked to the elevator and asked JARVIS what floor my bedroom was on as I hadn't remembered from last time. I followed his directions and opened the door, it was still as empty as last time. It was full of photos and books and things from my life before Hydra but now it all seems foreign to me. They feel new, like they aren't mine to remember.

I sat on my bed, and let out a sigh. Was I ever going to get better?

I tried to go sleep, even though I knew it wouldn't be a very peaceful sleep.

*Flashback*

I was yet again in a billionaires house waiting for the right moment to pierce a bullet through his head. I had succeeded. I stared into his eyes as frail body fell to the ground. His face paler by the second, his breaths colder. The blood oozed out of his head creating a pool on the once white carpet. A twinge of guilt washed over me. He had a family, a life and I just killed him. But the more guilty I felt the more my head started to hurt, I no longer felt guilty. If Strucker sent me to kill him, he must of done something bad, right?

When I arrived at the base, my head was spinning  with questions.

"Why do you make me kill people, sir?" I asked curiosity getting the best of me.

"Because they deserve it, they are very bad men." He answered.

"Nobody deserves to die sir."

"Are you turning on me Soldat?" He asked gritting his teeth.

"I-I"

He slapped me around the face before I could answer. I tried to apologise but was interrupted by a sharp pain crawling up my side. I let out a cry of pain as I fell to the floor.

"That will teach you to question me my dear." Strucker grinned.

The pain only grew worse by the second, this definitely wasn't a normal bullet.

My head was spinning, I felt dizzy.

"Peter.."

I sat up letting out a scream. My body was covered in cold sweat, warm tears trickled down my face. My breathing was very uneven. I clutched my side, lifting up my top to reveal the scar that once was a bullet wound. It felt like it had happened again, the pain felt so... real.

I climbed out of my bed and went downstairs. I grabbed a glass of water and sat down. I wiped the sweat off of my head with the back of my hand. I took a sip of my water and just sat there daydreaming. I felt another presence in the room and instantly tensed up. When I saw Peter I relaxed a little.

He came and took a seat next to me.

"Hey..."

"Hi, what are you doing up?" I asked

"Could ask you the same thing." He smiled.

"Uh, nightmares" I whispered tears already filling my eyes.

"Oh, I'm sorry." He said placing his hand on top of mine.

I flinched at his touch, causing him to quickly remove his hand. I took his hand back in mine, I liked the feel his hands, they were warm, soft.

We sat in silence for a second, gazing into each others eyes. I never realised how beautiful his eyes were. They were a beautiful colour, like the autumn leaves, dark brown with a hint of a caramel colour.

I hadn't realised I was crying until Peter brushed away my tears with his thumb.

"Whats wrong Y/N?"

"I- I just, I don't deserve any of this, your all going through so much to help me with my memories and stuff and I can't even remember your names for gods sake!" I cried.

It was true, I felt misplaced. These people are heroes, they save people and me I kill them. I know that they are my family but I just don't want to hurt people anymore, but I was hurting them, I wasn't determined enough. I must try harder, maybe then I will feel like I belong.

"Peter, why did you love me?, before I left?"

"Because, you are amazing, when we were kids, I knew I was always going to love you, your smart, funny, beautiful and definitely energetic, I've always loved you, I still do and I don't think I'll ever stop."

"Thank you, I'm sorry I don't remember, your a great guy Peter, you really are."

He smiled at me.

"I've always had these feelings for you,  you know, when I was in Hydra, I somehow always remembered your face, I was always searching my memories for stuff about you, but they were always blank. Whenever I said your name or saw your face, I felt warm, safe, I felt like I was home." I said looking directly into Peter's eyes.

"I-I don't know what to say." He mumbled

"It's ok you don't have to say anything I just wanted you to know." I placed a  kiss on his head before heading back upstairs.

Tomorrow is going to be a long day.