Trouble [S.B]

42

Two weeks later Orion Black died. 

Sirius had returned two hours after he left Noelle at their flat. Regulus only having left about half an hour before that, but Sirius remained oblivious to the fact that there had been another family member in his home. 

The eldest son didn't speak for a long time, he'd arrived and just sat at their table staring blankly at the window for more than half an hour. Noelle had put their son to sleep and so she sat in front of him and only then did he snap his gaze away from the window. He looked so crestfallen, defeated and tired. He was so tired. He was supposed to be this young boy, full of life and naivety. Yet here he was, battling for his life and his loved ones, trying to keep them alive and fighting for what he believed to be right. 

Noelle grabbed his hands from where they laid on the table and ran her thumbs over the back of his hands. The look she was giving him was soft and patient. As if saying she would wait for whenever he was ready. But he didn't know if he was ever going to be ready. None of them were ready to be thrown into the world like that, they didn't even know how to be adults yet alone how to fight.

"He apologized for never being there for me" he started and Noelle carried on with her small caresses of his hands, her attention solely on him.

"Yeah?"

Sirius nodded and swallowed "Yeah. He said he'd wished he'd been a better father to us and that he'd tried harder to raise us the right way" he closed his eyes and sighed. He was distraught. There were so many things he hadn't ever known that he wished he'd pressed harder for them, but he had been too ignorant and too careless to even try.

 Noelle watched as Sirius leg started moving up and down quickly and she knew he was thinking too hard and too much about the past. 

"Sirius" he didn't respond.

 "Sirius" his gaze remained pinned to the floor of their flat, when was the last time they polished the floors?

"Sirius" this time his gaze snapped to her doe eyes and he felt himself return to his body. She was so worried for her. He didn't deserve her.

Noelle watched hopelessly as the boy in front of her got up and walked towards the windows, stopping in front of them. "Sirius, don't do this" she said from where she sat.

"I don't deserve you, you know?" 

Noelle sighed and walked towards him, stopping only a few stops behind him. "What makes you think so?" she crossed her arms in front of her chest and quirked an eyebrow at him.

"Honestly?" he scoffed coldly "I've been nothing but cruel to you Noelle. I've been the biggest wanker and treated you terribly, all because the main example in my life where my parents who were awful shit at parenting. And for some reason I thought that just because you shared the same house as them you'd end up being just like them. That kept me from being honest with you" he took three steps and he was right in front of her, but Noelle never faltered "I took such great pride in being a Gryyfindor, being courageous when all my life I've been nothing but scared of loving someone and being betrayed. And the first person to show real interest in me, I hurt. Over and over again. How come you don't hate me? You deserve so much better"

"You keep forgetting that that's not for you to decide, Sirius. You always forgot that and you still do. You never told me what you felt, I had to keep prying and getting all in your space to get something. Do you think I was knowledgeable on the whole falling in love thing? Because I'm not. I spent most of my life fearing people leaving my side, because I was alone for most of it and I thought that it was better to not get attached, because people leave you in the end. Did you know that when mom and dad adopted me I didn't talk to them for weeks? I just ate with them and then went to my room" Sirius looked to the side, he hadn't known that "It took me months to trust them, I only trusted James. I forgot I had Reg, I forgot I had Lils, Rem, Sebastian, Ruby, Malia, my roommates, the Potters. I forgot about all of them! All I could see was me and my pain. Because one boy hurt my feelings and then another one thought it was okay to rape me, and I forgot about everything! I thought the world was out to get me and that I was better alone. I wasn't, Sirius. That first term was the worst, I was so lost. And I realized it's okay to feel lost and that its okay to be scared, but we can't be scared our whole lives because you're not living..." she took a step forward, closing the space between them and taking his hands in hers.