Nightmares

Chapter four: Harper

Earlier that day

I blinked away the tears as I scrolled through my phone, trying to find the message that Danny had sent earlier. Why did this always happen? I think I'm getting better then an episode happens again. Had he really said to meet here? Or at the café where we normally met? And was he late or on time? My stupid brain couldn't remember.

Screaming in frustration, I threw my phone into my bag and brushed away angry tears. Why did this have to happen? Why did I have to be like this? If I couldn't be in charge of my body, I at least wanted to be in charge of my brain. I hit the bag against the wall swearing under my breath, stopping when I felt eyes on me. Danny?

Turning, I didn't see my best friend. Instead, one of the footballers was looking at me like I was insane. I scowled, I didn't need his sympathy or opinion. To my surprise, he didn't call to his friends to look at the crazy person, instead, he smiled and despite myself, I smiled back, tentatively.

"Harper? Harp!" I heard a voice behind me, and I spun around to see my best friend walking towards me. I smiled in relief.

"I'm so sorry I'm late!" He said, scooping me up in a hug. "My maths tutor was being a bitch about my homework."

I hugged him back smiling. Breathing in his sweet, musky scent.

"It doesn't matter, you're here now." I told him.

"I hate being late, you know I do." He mumbled back.

"Really, it's fine." I reassured him.

And it was. With Danny by my side, everything was fine.

"Want to go for a walk? We could go to the park?" He asked, with that adorable little smile of his.

"Okay." I said with a smile of my own. Turning, we walked towards the gates of the park, he took my hand as we crossed the road and I smiled at him as we got nearer to the park.

"Race ya!" I suddenly yelled, breaking free from his hand and running through the gates to the orchard in the middle of the park, I could hear Danny's breathing behind me, and we ran until we collapsed under the apple tree and gazed up to the leaves where the dappled sunlight shone through. Breathing heavily, I smiled as I turned to look at my best friend, who smiled back, his chocolate-brown eyes dancing in the sun.

Looking back at the sky, I wondered what it would be like to fly. Imagined soaring through candy-floss clouds and drinking in the sights from above. Imagined looking down at a small, small world from high above and watching people go about their daily lives, unaware of me spying on their every move. Getting to know them better than they knew themselves.

"Have you ever wished you could fly?" I asked Danny.

"Of course." He replied. "If I could fly, I'd go to America, or Paris, or Rome, somewhere I could find time to understand everything."

"Everything?"

"Where we came from. Why we exist. Time to think about the things we never have time to think about during our normal everyday lives." He said.

I thought about his words.

"Wouldn't that take a while to figure out?" I asked.

"Only because we're too busy to figure it out." He replied. "You never know, the answer may be really simple, we just never find out because we're too busy to figure it out."

I smiled at his complex thinking. Wondering what the reason was for our existence. That was one of the many things I loved about Danny. He could always find a way to make me think about things that probably wouldn't even cross my mind unless he brought it up.

We arrived at the gate to the swings.

"Wanna go on the swings? Bet I'll be higher." Danny asked.

I smiled. Sitting on the swing and kicking off.

"Not fair! You got a head start!" Danny said, sitting on the swing next to me and starting to swing, trying to catch up with me. We shared a smile as we focused on the sky, and all it's limitless possibilities.

If only the world was as simple as the sky. Just clouds, and blue, and birds that swooped and chattered endlessly. I wondered what it would be like to be a bird. Free and happy instead of always having a seed of doubt in the back of my mind that told me I wasn't ever going to be good enough.

Danny was the only person who understood how I felt. I never had to explain myself to him, he just knew.

But I thought about that boy who'd been watching me earlier, when I had my meltdown. Strange as it seemed, he looked at me like...like he understood. Like he knew what it was like to feel hopeless. Like he knew what I was feeling deep inside.

He looked at me like he knew what I was going through.

And I wondered what he would think if he really knew what I was going through. Wondered what he would think if he could get in my mind and see that that meltdown was just the surface of the pain and fear that hid under the mask I disguised as the truth.

But something about the way he looked at me, made me certain he already knew that it was a mask. And he was going to find a way to make me break it.

The trouble was, I wasn't sure I wanted to break it. Wasn't sure I wanted people to see what was really under the surface. I wasn't ready for people to see the mess I had become underneath all this fear. But something told me, that I wasn't alone in feeling that way. Something about the boy's eyes made me think that I wasn't the only one battling a war no-one else could see.

But if I was right, what war was he fighting?

Did he have any allies on his side to help him?

Did he feel like he was fighting a losing battle or a winning one?

Did he want to give up his war, or keep fighting?

Me?

Well I wasn't even sure what I was fighting for.

I wondered if anyone ever really did.

I wondered what, or who, he was fighting for.

Maybe he was just fighting for himself? Sometimes it felt like that I was fighting for anyone or anything else except me.

But if that was the case, then who was fighting for me?

And why were they bothering?

Happy Easter everybody. Hope you're having a good weekend despite lockdown. Stay safe. Special update today because I was feeling inspired and decided to post for you.