Nightmares

Chapter ten: Harper

After I messaged Carter, I went up to my room where I opened my window and took a cigarette out of my packet. Lighting up, I smoked out the window, lost in thought. I knew I should really get some sleep before I had to get up for school, but there were just too many thoughts in my head. I messaged Carter again.

You up?

Duh. What's wrong?

Can't sleep I guess.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Why not read a book?

Don't have any books I like to read. I told him. Finishing my cigarette, I disposed of it before going back to Carter.

Not even Harry Potter?

Never read it. I replied honestly.

You have no idea what you're missing.

Enlighten me.

No, you shouldn't ever spoil the end of a book. He replied. It ruins the fun.

Fun?

Yeah, keeps you turning the page, wanting, needing to find out what happens next.

I smiled. What a funny guy.

Try Pride and Prejudice. That's a nice one.

I smiled.

Fine, I'll download it on my phone.

Ouch, you wound me.

Why?

Books should be read in book form, it's more tense as you turn the pages and besides they smell better.

I giggled, downloading it on my phone anyway.

You downloaded it anyway, didn't you? The message pinged two minutes after I had finished downloading it.

Damn, how did you know?

I know your type.

Life's too short to go out and buy the book. Plus, I'm broke.

There's things called libraries, ya know?

I smiled as I started to read.

Like it?

I'm like 2 pages in!

God you read slow.

You keep interrupting me!

He sent me a wink emoji back.

I smiled, turning back to my book. What a strange, mysterious man! I wondered how he fought his demons and kept them away. 

My phone pinged and I looked at it, half-expecting a message from Carter. But it was Danny.

You up?

Yeah, what's wrong?

It's just...Mum.

I sighed, picking up the phone to ring him.

Danny's mum had some problems with her temper-management, and I could remember countless times when Danny had hidden away over at mine in order to hide from her explosive moods. She suffered bipolar disorder and had a tendency to take it out on her kids.

He picked up.

"How's Chloe?" I asked.

"She's fine." He told me.

"Do you two want to come over whilst she gets over it?"

"No, it's okay, we'll be fine. See you at school."

"You sure?"

"Yeah. Sorry for disturbing you. Night."

"Night Danny."

"See you tomorrow." He said.

"Bye, Dan." I whispered.

"Bye, Harp."

Hanging up, I sighed as I thought about what a hard time he was having. I wished that I could help him, but he was stubborn, and refused to leave his mum, even when she got...difficult, as he put it. I knew he struggled, trying to look after both his sister and his mum at the same time. I tried to help, offering to take in Chloe when his mum had a bad day, or she 'turned', as he put it. But I couldn't protect him, not unless he abandoned his mum, which he would never do.

I loved him, but he was difficult. I wished that there was some way I could make things easier for him, but he didn't want to accept anyone's help. I could remember the only time I had ever openly tried to help him. We had almost broken friends that day. And when he finally forgave me for what happened, he made me promise to never do anything like that again. And I had promised him, I didn't like it, but whilst I disapproved of how much responsibility he was taking on his shoulders, I had never broken a promise to him. And I knew he would leave if I did. And I didn't want him to leave. I needed his friendship like I needed to breathe.

I loved him so much I wanted to keep him safe, but I also loved him enough that I didn't want him to hate me, I wouldn't be able to survive if he suddenly left me, he knew me better than anyone. He knew me so well, that if he walked away, I'm not sure I would understand myself if he left.

My phone pinged. Thanks for your help, Harper. Sorry for disturbing your sleep. Dx

You're welcome, Danny. You can call me anytime, you know that. I messaged back.

Putting my phone down, I sank into thought. Danny may have got something off his mind by messaging me, but all he had done was put a load of things in mine.

How could you save someone when you weren't even sure of how much trouble they were in?

But could I really save him? I wanted to. I really did. But I wasn't sure how. I struggled with my own problems, I couldn't even solve those, and some were easy problems. But how could I solve his problems when I didn't even know how to solve my own?

How could you save someone else when you couldn't even save yourself?

Much as I wished to help him, help everybody in pain, I wasn't sure I could do it. When I was little, I had wanted to be a doctor, I had wanted to heal the world. Now, I wasn't even sure I could even heal my own scars. I seemed to be living in a world where feelings were mixed, and memories were scrambled. Where the lines between truth and lies blurred and nothing was as it seemed.

Carter seemed to have shown me that there was a lot more to people than what they showed on the surface, and whilst I had peeled away a few layers to Danny, helped him unpick some knots in his life, there were still many more that I was unaware of and those I couldn't help him solve even if I tried. They were his demons and his alone. And all I could do was offer my support as he prepared to fight them and pick him up when he fell down.

Everyone was fighting their own demons, and there was no one to help them, no one who could see them and help fight them off. They had to be dealt with alone. But people were always there to offer you support when you were tired, and if they tried really hard, they could see them, and fight them for you whilst you had a break.

I wondered how hard I had to look to see his demons. And how hard it would be to fight them all off.

I needed someone to look at me and tell me how to win this fight that was life. Because I wasn't sure I could do it by myself. I would fight, of course, but I wasn't a hundred percent sure that I could win. But I was going to try. I owed it to everyone, most of all myself, to at least try to make it work.

But how long could I try before I broke?

What if I didn't break? How long before I stopped feeling this way?

How long before someone showed me just what life was worth fighting for?

How long before I could allow myself to live again?