Nightmares

Chapter thirty-four: Carter

I think I'm in love with an angel. She's smart and funny and sweet and caring. She has the best laugh and I think I see heaven in her eyes.

But her wings are broken; and she can't fly. I wish I could help her. I remembered the way tears had stained her cheeks the day we met and wondered which demons she had fought. Was still fighting. It was draining her. I could see it in her eyes. I wanted to help her, but they say if you get too close to an angel you'll be blinded by the light, and I was scared of the light. Scared of what would happen if I got too close to see her flaws.

Shut up. You're supposed to be asleep.

I wasn't the hero she was looking for. But I wanted to be.

But we weren't meant to survive together.

She was light, I was dark.

She was heaven, I was hell.

She was love, I was hate.

She was pure, I was stained.

And no matter how often I tried to overlook those differences, my brain kept ticking over them, like a time bomb. It felt like my life was a time bomb, a time bomb just waiting to explode. And when that time came, I didn't want anyone near me so there would be minimum damage to those I cared about. The less people I let in, the better. But she had stolen my heart before I could lock it away.

Why are you still thinking?

And I think we were more similar than either of us realised. We both had scars hidden away, we both had things we didn't want anyone else to know about or see. But I wished that we could show them to one another, let each other know that it was okay to have scars because there were people out there who thought our scars were beautiful.

I needed someone to make me believe in love again. And though she never said it, I think she did too.

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. You are getting way too sappy and it's way too late for this.

But there was just one obstacle in the way. And I had already decided I really didn't trust him. But if I didn't play nice, I could lose her. He clearly meant a lot to her. I could see that. I don't think it was love, she didn't think it was love to my surprise and relief. But he still meant a lot to her, and I couldn't afford to screw this up. I couldn't afford to lose her.

I needed her like I needed to breathe. And I was scared of what would happen if I scared her away. But I was also scared of letting her in. Either way, I could end up losing her. I just had to be careful. That was why I had my purchase after all. To be careful.

I had to be careful not to get caught, for Mum, just as much as for her. Because I was all she had left. I was the only family she had left and if I went too, it might kill her. I couldn't do that to her. Tears welled as I thought about what she had lost. She'd lost her favourite child and her husband. And I was all she had left. As difficult as our relationship was, I loved her, and didn't want her to lose me. Didn't want to even think about what losing me would do to her.

Please stop thinking.

Since Riley's death, she had been hanging on by a thread, the only thing keeping her going was me, and if I let go of the rope first...I couldn't let that happen to her. I needed to be strong, be smart, I needed to be careful because even if I didn't want to fight for myself anymore, I had to fight for her.

I lifted the knife out of the box, carefully, contemplating what I could do with this. With a flick of my wrist, I could take a life. Eliminate a problem from the world. I could hurt someone. I could kill someone. Sick as it seemed, the idea fascinated me.

Why had I brought it?

I don't know, I guess a part of me thought one day I might need it. And that part of me could be right. After all, I didn't know what was up ahead of the road, but I could predict that there would be hiccups and bumps along the way. And I needed to be prepared for them, even if I didn't know what they were.

It was better to be overprepared rather than underprepared, I couldn't take any chances of him striking before I was ready. And why are you so prepared for danger, Carter? A voice in my head asked, why are you so against the idea that people might just want to help you?

Because fighting danger alone was all I knew. And I didn't want her to get hurt, so I had to fight alone. No matter how hard it was.

Okay, where the hell are all these sappy thoughts coming from? For God's sake Carter, shut up and go to sleep it's half one!

Dammit. I need a book. My thoughts are getting nowhere tonight.

Should I message her?

NO! IT'S HALF PAST ONE IN THE FUCKING MORNING GO TO SLEEP.

This is hopeless.

I put the knife down and hid it again, slipping back under the covers.

Now what?

NOW GO TO FUCKING SLEEP!

Fine. What time is it?

If you don't go to sleep right now...