Nightmares

Chapter nineteen: Carter

"And some girl on TikTok is sooo lame. All she posts are these shit videos of her and her stupid dog. The dog just flips and shit, it looks like that dog from Come Outside. You know, the kids show with bloody Pippin?"

"Mmm." I rolled my eyes and half listened as my friend Emma prattled on about TikTok. I couldn't honestly care less, I was too busy trying to remember who Danny was. I knew him. I could feel it the way he looked at me.

"Are you even listening to me, Carter?" Emma interrupted my thoughts.

"Yeah. Course." I replied, vacantly.

"No you're not." She accused.

"Okay. I was thinking about Harper, okay?"

"Ooh. How's that going?" She said, turning to me and raising her eyebrows suggestively.

"Shut up, Em. We're just friends." I told her.

"Sure. Friends." She said, her tone implying she didn't believe a word of it.

"Well we are. And that's all it's ever going to be." I told her.

She smirked. "But don't you want it to be more?"

"I don't know." I said.

"You do." She told me with a grin.

"Okay." I said, looking around to make sure that no one was paying attention. "I do. But nothing's going to happen. Anyone who gets mixed up with me gets hurt. And I don't want to risk her."

Emma nodded in understanding. She knew what it was like after all. I only had to imagine the stab wound in her stomach to remember that.

"But you do love her, right?" she asked.

"Course I do. But I'm not so sure that she should love me."

"Why shouldn't she love you, Carter? You know what I think? It's not her who you don't want to love you. You don't want to love yourself."

"Shut up, Em." I snapped at her. Not liking what I was hearing.

"You're only snapping at me because you know it's true."

"Get lost." I muttered.

"You can't deny it forever, Carter." She said. "When are you going to stop punishing yourself? Your sister's death wasn't your fault. It was an accident. I don't know why you still blame yourself."

"I said shut the fuck up!" I shouted at her.

"You always get so defensive when you know I'm right." She said.

I stalked off without replying to her. My anger warring with reluctant acceptance as I realised she was telling the truth. No matter how much I wanted to deny it.

I did love her. I knew that. I knew I was falling for her. But that didn't mean I thought it was a good idea. That didn't mean I was ready to show her the truth.

And it certainly didn't mean that she should love me back. Hell, I don't think either of us would be ready for that.

A presence made me turn around.

"Hey, I'm sorry, Cart." She said, softly. Touching my arm lightly. "I didn't mean what I said. I shouldn't have said anything. They're your feelings and I shouldn't try to invalidate them."

I took a calming breath and slowly the cloud of anger lifted.

"But at some point you need to learn to let go of her." She said softly. "I know it's hard."

"But I'm not ready." I said.

"Maybe Harper can help you." She said. "From what you've told me, you could probably help each other."

"Maybe." I mumbled. "But anyone who gets close to me gets hurt."

She smiled so softly. "Then it's lucky they've got you by their side to fight for them, isn't it?"

"You don't understand. I'm not letting anyone get hurt because of me again."

"Sometimes you don't get to make that choice, Carter." She said. "Because people are going to love you anyway. No matter how much you try to stop them."

And because she was right, I scowled.

"Bitch."

"Bastard."

Her eyes twinkled as she looked at me and I gave a reluctant smile.

Maybe I couldn't stop Harper liking me. But I could sure as hell make sure she didn't get hurt.

Couldn't I?