Nightmares

Chapter five: Carter

The day after

I woke up in a sweat. Panting, I looked at the time. Four thirty. I groaned and swore under my breath. That was the end of my nap then. I stared at the stick-on stars that decorated my ceiling. Remembering when I had first seen the stars for real.

Mum had stuck those stars on my ceiling when I was seven, and I used to wish on them every night. Now my only wish is to get a decent night's sleep.

I blocked out the remnants of the nightmare that had woken me. Not wanting to remember what had happened that night. It hurt. It hurt more than people realised to constantly doubt your ability to sleep naturally without waking up in tears. But the memories hurt. And they always would.

My thoughts wandered to the green-eyed girl. I wondered what her smile looked like. If her eyes twinkled when her lips curved. Whether her laugh was a soft tinkle and honey-sweet, or low and treacle-rich. I wondered how to make her laugh. How to make her dance and chase away the pain that hid behind those bright green eyes. I wondered what she would be like when she was happy.

How did she fight her demons?

What demons was she hiding?

I got out my sketchpad and started to draw her from memory. I drew the soft features of her face, with those sharp green eyes that seemed to simultaneously show and hide all the thoughts behind it. They were the most expressive eyes I had ever seen, but they seemed to show a mix of both truth and lies, and I couldn't yet tell which was which. They hid behind the longest lashes I had ever seen.

Her soft rosy lips were pursed with concentration and she seemed to be hiding behind her long dark hair. I smiled to myself as I tried to draw someone with secrets yet to tell, to pour all her thoughts and feelings onto the paper as if I could find out about her that way.

It was going to be almost impossible to figure her out. But I was going to give it a try.

I wanted to see her again. To find out all those secrets that hid behind those mysterious green eyes. The ones that no one else knew about. The ones no one else saw. I wanted to break her shell that she showed to everyone, find the real her underneath it all.

I wanted to show her that she didn't have to hide. That her scars are beautiful. That they were nothing to be ashamed or afraid of. But why should she listen to me?

I didn't know the first thing about her. I didn't know what she was fighting or how she was fighting it. It may be too big, too strong for me to handle. Too much for her to handle either. But I wanted to try. Even though I didn't know what it was. I still wanted to be by her side as she fought her demons.

And I knew she was hiding them. But was she hiding them because she didn't want to let her demons out, or because she was too scared to keep them in?

I wanted to see her, to figure out everything that she fought against, find out what she fought for. I needed to know her better than I knew myself. I wanted her to know me better than I knew myself. What if she found out things about me no one else knew? The thought both terrified and thrilled me. Because to have her know everything scared me. But to have her know who I was underneath all this? I wanted to see if I could handle it. Because it was better that someone knew me rather than hiding away all my life.

I needed someone to tell me that everything was going to be okay when I felt I couldn't do this anymore. I needed someone to fight for. Someone to die for. Someone I would live for. Isn't that what makes us human? The ability to care and love another being. The ability to feel things? I wanted to feel something. I was tired of acting like a robot. Tired of feeling nothing but fear. Tired of the demons that wouldn't stop pestering me at night.

I was tired of it all.

But I wanted someone to show me that things could be better. Needed someone to show me that things could be better. I think I needed her. And yes, this sounds crazy, but I could be falling for her. I sighed. I may need her, but I wasn't so sure that she needed me.

I remembered a saying Mum told me once. Don't settle for silver when you can have gold. And whilst she may be gold to me, I knew that I was only silver at best. I wasn't much. I couldn't save her the way she could save me. She could do better.

But I still wanted to try. Because I remember the look in her eyes yesterday. The ones that shone with tears and something else. Something hidden. Something that was just out of reach. Out of sight. And I wanted to find out what it was. I wanted to find out those secrets that she hid every day. Needed to help her fight her demons. Because I could see how tired she looked. Could see how much her demons were weighing down on her. And that made me scared.

I knew what it was like to fight for peace every day. I knew what it was like to constantly feel like you were fighting a losing battle. I knew what it was like to fight on your own. But I didn't know what it was like to show your demons to someone else. And that was because I didn't want anyone else to get hurt. I should stay away from that girl. I shouldn't let her in. Shouldn't let her see. But something in me reached out to her, wanted her next to me so that we could fight our demons together.

But would I be ready to let her in?

Would she be ready to let me in?

And the bigger question was: would we both be ready to stay? 

Hey guys! What do you think Harper's secrets are? I think she's more complicated than she seems. I guess we'll find out later in the book.