Capturing Mine

Chapter 33: A Little Smile

I let my feet play with the water on the pool as I sit on the side of it. I'm still thinking about the revelations happened just now. I mean, hindi pa nga yata sila tapos magkagulo roon. I was just too surprised to what I have known. I felt like I was betrayed, I feel like I am not necessary at all. Why didn't he tell me? Lahat ng gusto niyang malaman na tungkol sa akin, ipinaaalam ko sa kaniya, pero siya, wala akong nakukuha. What am I to him? An invisible bestfriend? He should have told me that he's not gay at all. It would mean a lot to me if he didn't lie to me, to all of us about his feelings, to what he really is. Is he still gay? A bisexual? Hindi ko alam, naguguluhan ako, pero sana talaga, sinabi niyang hindi siya bakla o kung anuman siya. Hindi naman ako magagalit kung may gusto nga siya sa pinsan ko, pero may karapatan akong magalit bilang kaibigan niya dahil sa nagkagusto siya sa taong hindi na puwede pa at pagmamay-ari na ng iba at mismong pinsan niya. Tapos, gumawa pa siya ng eksena. You know, I don't want to say this but he really is a relationship wrecker, a destroyer. Let me remind you, Jacob was responsible to all of my supposedly, disconcerted and deprived romance. I hope, Matt and Martina will get even after all of this 'cause I'll really hate Jac if anything undesirable happens. If he won't fix this mess, he'll lost a friend and a cousin.

I let out a heavy sigh as I close my eyes. I let the rural breeze touch my skin as the water on the pool take care with my feet. Then, I hear footsteps before I feel somebody sit beside me. I open my eyes to face whoever it is and smile.

Jacob's POV

Ang hirap pala. Akala ko, kaya kong magtiis, hindi pala. I convinced myself that I am alright, I convinced myself that I have moved on. I accepted the fact that he got her and all I thought I can bear it, but I was wrong. I love her, I want to be with her, just her but life's so unfair. Damn! Why the hell do I have to fall in love with someone who loves somebody else? It hurts seeing them having fun together, it hurts seeing them together.

“Jac, please,” Iris begged me to stop.

Maybe, I really should stop. I am just hurting myself and I am hurting her. Martina is crying to what she heard from me. Damn, I am at fault again. It's my fault that she's crying, it's my fault why she got mad, it's my fault why she's confuse. Everything that is happening is all my fault. I started this mess and I am so stubborn by doing so. I should listen to Iris, I should stop. I am a fool, I hate it.

“I am resenting myself for continuouy loving somebody who can't love me back,” I said.

[A/N: If you want to know what happened during their argument, go to TS1: Escaping Strings. It's on Chapter 29, so, go and read it there if you're interested.]

I walk out of the room with an indefinable expression on my face along with my emotions. I feel so dumb and numb. I know that it's hurting me a lot but I think the pain's starting to immune my emotions and feelings. Sa sobrang sakit, wala na akong maramdaman.

“I was so selfish by doing that,” I mumbled while pulling my hair and closing my eyes vigorously. “Fuck!”

Mabilis akong kumuha ng isang basong tubig at nilagok ito. I put the glass down on the island counter before I hit the surface with my hand. I am mad, so mad at myself. No doubt, repentance comes at last. I am jealous and I needed to explode. Dammit! I don't know what to do about this anymore.

“Fuck me,” I hissed.

I turn around facing the backdoor. I went out to have some fresh air, to lessen the pressure, madness and all the shits I am feeling but I'd just felt even worst after hearing her words.

“You know my feelings more than I know it myself, Chezca.” It was Diane. “He's the first guy I have ever liked but he's gay. He became my bestfriend and that's a good reason for me to stop my growing feelings for him as a man.”