The Orion Star

What Is Love?

You're killing me with your poison but it tastes so sweet

Strangulations inflicted upon this sacred treat

--From the song Things Inside

Lyrics By: Benjamin Hill

I have a concert tonight. We've gone from Texas to Nashville, Tennessee. It's been a few days, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't happy for the small pause.

Touring is fucking miserable for me now. The idea of touring used to be like this beautifully polished sapphire to me. Tantalizing, exciting, magical, multi-faceted. Touring would make me feel alive--my skin would hum, the hairs on my neck and arms would stand at attention.

Now? Now it feels like a Goddamn death sentence.

I haven't seen Tristan at all. Like always, Gloria and I sleep in the hotel while the crew sleeps in the sleeper bus. In the mornings I board the bus with Gloria, sleep still in my eyes, barely awake. I've been going back to bed afterwards.

That makes three unusual situations in the past few days. One is the fact I haven't nearly gotten us kicked out of a hotel (or actually evicted). You have to be awake to get so drunk that you make ridiculous, detrimental decisions. Drinking just hasn't held the same appeal since leaving Texas. I still do it, sure. I've been drinking daily for a long while now. But it's been just a six pack and then I call it a day, whereas normally I'd follow it up with some hard liquor.

Second is the fact that I am so exhausted. Usually I'll meet the crew for breakfast but like I said, I've felt so spent I just crawl straight back into bed for a few hours. No matter how much sleep I get I'm still tired. I don't get it.

Which is why I haven't seen Tristan; I've been sleeping all the damn time. And honestly, I think a part of me is avoiding him. Why?

It's because of the third unusual situation. I can't get him out of my Goddamn head. From the second I open my eyes in the morning (well, afternoon) to the second I close my eyes at night (well, early morning--my sleep schedule is so fucked), he's on my mind.

He's in my mind. He's in my fucking brain. He's crawled in and made himself a cozy little home, and no matter how hard I try I can't evict this intruder. And it's annoying. And it makes me hate myself--but what else is new?

As I pick up my cell I have to fight off the urge to call the other bus and have them patch me through to Tristan. Instead I hit Gloria's name.

"Orion?"

"Yo, couldja comere?" I mumble.

She hangs up. My door opens moments later and it's Gloria, looking thoroughly unimpressed. She stands, hand on her voluptuous hip. With how hard she works I'm afraid she's going to keel over and die of a heart attack at any moment. I'm sure my constant annoyances don't help in that department.

"Really? You couldn't be bothered to come out?"

I moan and turn over, covering my head. The bed shifts as she sits next to me.

"What's up, cupcake?"

"How do you know when you're in love?"

She laughs in clear confusion. "What?"

I sit up and look at her. I'm sure my hair is a mess and my breath stinks, but I don't care. "You love your husband right?"

She gives me the side eye. I roll my eyes in desperation.

"C'mon, Gloria! I'm being serious here."

"Of course I love my husband."

I drop my eyes. "Well, how did you know at first that you loved him?"

For a minute Gloria is quiet. She then gets more comfortable on the bed, pulling one leg up.

"You know there's a difference between love and having a crush on someone, right Orion?"

"Of course I do!" I snap.

No I don't.

"Well," she says, ignoring my attitude, "we were friends. And then we were dating."

"And?"

"Well one day I realized I didn't want to spend the rest of my life without him."

"Do you still feel like that?"

"Yeah."

"So what's the difference between what you feel when you like someone and when you love them?"

"It's different, but it's the same."

I screw up my face. "Not helpful."

She gives me another side long look. "Well I mean...you still get the same butterflies in your stomach."

Check.

"You still get tingles up your spine when you think about them."

Check.

"You can't get your mind off them, to the point where you start worrying you're a creepy stalker."

Double-check.

"You even dream about them."

Unfortunately, check.

"You get giddy or excited leading up to when you see them next, and it seems like too long."

Yup. Fuck.

"But then love is different. Like I said...those feelings can come and go. That's why people eventually break up. Love is, like I said, when you can honestly, truthfully, see the rest of your life with this person."

A sweet smile comes to Gloria's face. She no longer is looking at me even though she's staring at me right in the face.

"Love is when you'd take a bullet for someone. Love is when you give someone every part of you--every part, inside and out. Love is when the thought of the person dying is devastating, and it takes your breath away for a moment. Love is when no matter what the person does you'll be there for them, and they'll be there for you. Love is when you know they'll be your rock through everything. It's this deep affection, wanting to do anything and everything for that person. Love is when you can't bear to see the other person in pain, physical or otherwise. You do everything in your power to make sure they don't suffer--and you want to kill anyone who wrongs them or hurts them."

Her eyes focus and she smiles. "Love is the most wonderful thing in the world."

I swallow thickly. Well. I wasn't in love. But I was screwed.

Fuck.

Gloria tilts her head to the side. "May I ask what was with this line of questioning?"

"No, no you may not."

She laughs and stands up, patting my leg beneath the covers. "Call me if you need anything else."

As she shuts the door I moan again and go back to hiding away under my blanket.