The Orion Star

Plugging Up Pain With Money

**TRIGGER WARNING** Issues addressed in this chapter include previous child abuse, parental violence towards a grown child, emotional neglect, and brief descriptions of self-harm. Reader discretion is advised.

How do you do it, close your eyes at night

Knowing you're the reason someone feels like a blight?

--From the song Regrets

Lyrics By: Orion Bauwens

I've requested we drive. Jake, Ben, and Tristan have kindly obliged. It's been three days since we left. We've packed enough of--well, everything--for the trip, loading it all into Ben's black Escalade. 

Personally I've brought several things. Clothes, my favorite boots, my meds, my journal, and my two favorite guitars. We've collectively pitched in, splitting the costs for food, snacks, drinks, and hotel rooms.

It's night; the moon is big, bright, and beautiful. I'm up front with Jake, who's driving currently. I'm thrilled with how well Tristan gets along with my friends. It's not forced either. Ben and Jake wouldn't lie to me, especially now that we have a collective no-lying policy with each other. Not that it was ever really an issue with us to begin with, but after me hiding so much from them we've decided the new rule would be beneficial for everyone.

We're shooting the shit, passing around a bag of sour gummy worms.

"Ohhhh, my God," I say, tilting my head back and cramming three in my mouth before passing the bag to the back of the car, "these are so 'ood. 'Ow 'ave I 'issed these my 'enire 'ife?"

Honestly they're giving me a stomach cramp, but I don't even care.

"Dude, say it, don't spray it," Jake says disgustedly.

"Seriously, were you born in a barn?" Ben quips.

"Well, I d'no. That's what we're finding out now, isn't it?"

An uncomfortable silence falls over the car.

"Guys--I was kidding. Relax."

"Okay but seriously," Tristan says with a little hesitation, "what's the plan once we get to Michigan?"

I take a long drink of water before I answer. "Well, first I'm going to head to my foster home and see if they can tell me anything. If they can't, I'll see if my adoption records are open."

"Can't you just ask your adoptive parents?"

I scratch the back of my head. "Um, well, you see, my parents and I didn't exactly part ways on the best of terms..."

"Oh."

"Yeah. So then if the records aren't open I'm going to hire a PI."

"Woah, what?" Ben asks.

"Yeah, why not?" I say, twisting in my seat. "I mean it's not like I don't have the money to hire someone like that."

"So you're serious about this?" Jake says quietly, glancing at me.

I look at the window, staring at my own reflection. "Yeah. Yeah I am."

Jake glances at me again. "Are you sure this is a good idea Orion?"

I watch my brow furrow. "Why wouldn't it be?"

"I don't want you to get hurt..."

I look at him. "Why would I get hurt?"

"I don't want you to be disappointed by what you find," Jake replies.

"Or what if you find nothing?" Ben says so quietly I can barely hear him.