The Orion Star

To Sing With Your Heart

It's that night. The stage lights are off currently. It's a really quick intermission. I'm standing in the middle of the stage, trembling slightly.

I haven't had stage fright like this since...Well, for a really long time. I can't even remember. Jake had run off the stage and was now hurrying back with my acoustic guitar. Ben had situated his drum stool behind me and I sit down.

"You sure you wanna do this?" Jake asks me quickly in my ear.

"Y-Yeah."

He smiles, gives me a quick pat on the shoulder, and runs back off stage with Ben. I nervously double over, ear as close as I can manage as I pluck quietly, making sure my guitar is in tune. Then I affix the small clip microphone to the sound hole, give the signal, and the spotlight turns on.

The crowd goes wild. I adjust my headset that I'm using just for this piece--I prefer a microphone with a stand. I raise my hand, briefly squinting against the harsh light. I can't see anything. Even so I smile, and begin to strum my guitar.

"So...I've never played acoustic guitar before..." The crowd is cheering loudly. "Not on an album, and certainly not live..."

More cheering. I adjust my headset again nervously.

"So, a couple years ago I was going through a really hard time. And, well, I do play acoustic, and I've played it since High School, but professionally I play electric..."

I'm rambling and I know it. The crowd cheers.

"Uh, anyway. So this melody kept going through my head. And it wouldn't go away, and I found myself playing it absentmindedly over and over again. So--so I finally put lyrics to it. And...Well, it's not that good. Or maybe it is. I d'no. It's not like anything I usually write. It's like a ballad or something..."

The crowd goes nuts and I laugh.

"Sorry guys, I'm really fucking nervous. Um. So yeah. I'll stop talking and I'll just...do this."

I take a deep breath and close my eyes. My fingers play the melody that's been going through my head for two years, and my mouth sings the lyrics that came with it once I broke up with Tristan.

I'm asking you to wait

I'm asking you to forgive me

I know I'm going to screw this up

But please, just wait

Though I know this is hard

Though I want to run and hide

I will abide to these feelings

That are hidden deep inside

And I didn't mean to hurt you

And I don't wanna hurt you still

So sometimes I think, maybe

I should just shut up

And take another pill

But then the voice that's inside me,

The one that's nestled inside

It speaks into my ear

Offers up a soft chide

It tells me not to take the bait

So I'm asking you to wait

I didn't want to write this

I didn't want to wear this like a badge

But I need to admit I'm caught up in this

And that maybe this is what I need...

So I'm asking you to wait

I'm asking you to forgive me

I know I'm going to screw this up

But please, just wait

I know I let you down

I wish I could say I was shocked

But this is what I do

And maybe it's what I'll always do

But please just know

You're not the only one I let down

I need you to look at me

Like you did that first night

When I'm bound in your gaze

And my head's all a maze

I need you to look

And see all my fright...

I need you to know

That I'm really not alright

That I'm lost afraid

Every time I go back

Back in time to this place

And I don't wanna to lose this

So I ask you...just wait

I'm asking you please to wait

I'm asking you to forgive me

I know I'm going to fuck this up

But please, just wait

I'm so tired of this sting

I don't want to let this go

I've never felt like this before

And maybe it's cliché

But I don't wanna keep you at bay

And I'm scared when you're not here

And I'm scared when you're not near

And I'm scared that I'm scared

And I'm tired of being scared

So please, just wait

Please, just wait

By the time I'm done I've completely forgotten where I am. It's quiet. I'm brought back to reality by a thunderous applause. It caught me so off guard that I literally almost fall off my stool.

I grin. You can always tell when a crowd actually likes something and when they're just doing their due diligence of applauding. And this New York crowd actually likes it.

But after a moment my smile drops. Don't get me wrong--I'm happy that they like it. I'm happy that thousands of people just heard a new song of mine and embraced it with open arms.

But the person it was sung for wasn't in the crowd, and he never would be again.