The Orion Star

Sometimes The Thing You Need...

**TRIGGER WARNING** Discussion of self-harm. Reader discretion is advised.

Waiting on the sun

Will it ever come?

--From the song Filling Lungs

Lyrics By: Orion Bauwens/Benjamin Hill

I decided yesterday in the shower that I was going to kiss Tristan. Because I didn't know how to muddle through what I was feeling. Because truthfully, I had never felt like this before.

Talking to Gloria didn't help. Trying to think about it wasn't helping. All I knew was that I was feeling really, really shitty lately, and the only time I felt some semblance of normalcy was when I was around Tristan.

Of course there was always the risk he didn't feel the same way. And of course I might get my scrawny little ass beat. But hey, if he didn't feel whatever the hell I felt, I could always just fire him and bribe him to keep his damn mouth shut.

This had to happen though. I literally don't think I could stand another day without knowing what the hell I was feeling. Our relationship had become so confused in my head. We knew each other for such a short period of time, and yet he seemed invested in me. He and I barely knew each other, yet he was concerned about me.

I couldn't help but be annoyed at my anxiety over this. It's not like this was new territory for me. I had slept with plenty of men before. Yet somehow this was different. Here I was, acting like a school boy with a crush, completely freaking out. My thoughts plagued me, and I was scrutinizing every detail with microscopic precision. 

Maybe he was just a really nice guy. Maybe I was looking too deeply into this. Maybe I was looking for, hoping for, something that wasn't there.

That's why I had to kiss him.

And it wasn't going to be some cliche thing. This was tactical. It wasn't going to be overly romantic--'Oh, I just don't know what came over me!'. No, I wasn't going to be drunk, and I wasn't going to wait, and I was gonna kiss him.

So I pace in the entertainment room, waiting for him. I sent everyone away; I kicked them all out. I told Gloria, Jake and Ben to get lost. They didn't want me to be alone but then I told them I wanted to talk to Tristan about something. I'm pretty sure the fact that I wouldn't be alone was what got them to leave.

"Hey."

I stop pacing and turn around. Tristan looks good as ever, wearing dark jeans, black and white skater shoes, and a green t-shirt that hardly manages to contain his bulging biceps. My eyes fall to his chest, his defined pecs that are clearly visible beneath the fabric. As my mind runs away, thinking about running my tongue and fingers over his chest, I swallow and force myself to look at his face.

"H-hi."

"Ran into Gloria outside," he says, walking closer to me. "She told me to make sure you felt better. Are you sick?"

"N-no."

I'm standing by the only wall that doesn't have anything on it. Tristan comes right up to me, his light chocolate eyes heavy with concern.

"Are you alright? You're acting strange--"

Well, it's now or never. I grab both his cheeks and plant a soft, tender kiss on his lips. I close my eyes tight because I'm afraid of what I'm going to see. I'm waiting to be shoved away, but when I'm not I open my eyes slowly.