BTS Sickfics

Hoseok's Epilepsy: I Can't Cope Anymore

!! Trigger Warning: Mentions of Suicide !!

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Hoseok's POV -

"How are you feeling, mentally?"

I shake my head a little, quiet. Sunmi always asks me this question, on every other visit. It makes me feel almost weak, like I can't cope with myself.

Remember how I said I would always be honestly with Sunmi? Yeah, that hasn't really happened. I struggle way too much talking about how most days I want to just swallow all of my epilepsy pills and let them kill me. I know I'll be locked away if I say something like that, so I keep it to myself.

I have to be honest. Deep down, the real me is still in there somewhere, begging me to get the help I need. If I don't speak out now, I will definitely end up doing something stupid.

"I ... haven't been great. I thought we would find a solution by now, but I still have night seizures. The boys are passing me around like a parcel, or something. I just feel ... unwanted ... in the way, I guess. I feel like a burden."

Sunmi looks at me carefully. "This has been a hell of a journey, Hoseok. The answers are hard to find." She sighs, pushing away from her desk. "There is a medication out there for you. One that'll stop the nocturnal seizures. When did you start the carbamazepine?"

"Today."

"Did you read the leaflet?"

I nod my head.

"You need to be absolutely honest with me, Hoseok. How long have you been feeling down for?"

"Well, since this all began. It's been really hard." Sunmi nods her head in agreement. "It got bad once I got home from that massive seizure I had last month. As soon as I lost my bedroom, my dignity, I just felt ... really alone, I guess ... Sorry, this ... this is really hard to talk about. I just ..."

Sunmi pats my hand gently. "Take your time. What you're feeling is normal, especially for people who haven't found a cure yet. I know it's hard, but think of the positives. You're not having day seizures, and the ones you do have aren't life threatening. I know just how much it all hurts, and feeling so tired and 'passed around' is exhausting mentally, but, we can see that your epilepsy is treatable. We just need to find it. We will find it. There is a treatment for you, Hoseok."

I lower my head a little. "Sometimes ... I feel suicidal. I don't feel like I could go through with it. But I think, the others would be happier without me. I'm causing them suffering. They don't deserve any of this."

"You have a very loving group around you, Hoseok. The fact you're such a big group is another positive for you to focus on. There's people to care for you, and people to do the jobs you can't do, without any extra stress. They think the world of you, honey. You're right in that they don't deserve it, but neither do you. Have you told any of them how you feel?"

I shake my head softly. "I ... I can't ... I couldn't do it to them."

She nods her head a little. "What you're feeling is valid, Hoseok. You've been through a lot. When I first saw you, I asked if you wanted to start antidepressants, but now I'm requesting you do. If you disagree, then I'm afraid I'll have to call the urgent response team. Do you understand?"

I nod my head slowly. I feel worthless. Ashamed, even. I've had bad thoughts before; we all have, but never this severe. I don't know if I can be trusted with my meds on my own. I just want the pain to stop. I want everything to stop.

"How do you feel physically?"

"In pain. A lot of pain. There's some days I just can't get out of bed myself. My muscles ache so much."