BTS Sickfics

Jungkook: Panic Attack

Jungkook's POV -

If I'm honest with you, I think there may be something wrong with me. I don't mean I'm sick, or that I've got a disability. It's just that, recently, it feels like everything is weighing down on me. I feel crushed with stress. Everything I do makes my heart start to pound.

It starts in the morning, as soon as my alarm starts to ring. I awake covered in sweat, my heart beating away in my chest, and I find it hard to calm myself back down. I get myself ready for dance, and I usually feel pretty good, but when I get closer to the building, I feel like I want to turn back and run to the dorm, and hide under my bed sheets. I relax when I dance, but if the instructor calls my name, I freeze over, and I can feel cold sweat start to drip down me. It doesn't matter if what he says is good or bad, I just feel so anxious. When we get home, I just feel all fluttery, and if I'm asked to do something, I feel all shaky.

My first thought was immediately anxiety, and that I must be building up for some form of panic attack. I know anxiety well enough from my job, since performing, and fanmeets, and interviews are scary, but I've never really had a problem. Being scared is normal. I also know anxiety well enough from Yoongi, who used to have crippling panic attacks after we had first debuted. It was a tough time, and he was really struggling. He ended up on medication.

I remember that time really well. I remember the buildup to the first panic attack, and how I thought he was going to die. He couldn't breathe, and he literally went white. He couldn't speak to me, and when he finally could, he was just a stuttering mess. I remember the week before it happened, where he would try to not leave the house, and wouldn't come to practice. He would just hole up in his room.

At the time, I couldn't really figure out if it was annoying or not. Obviously I got angry, because we had worked so hard, and it was like he was attempting to throw it all away before we even got a chance, and he was being very adamant, however, when I saw him properly, I saw the sadness in his eyes, and how he was losing weight. When the panic attack came, I saw it all in a new light.

I remember it all so clearly that I know I'm going down the same track, and if I don't do something about it now, then I'll get struck down, the same way Yoongi did. I feel like holing up, not coming to practice, not wanting to sing. I can just feel this massive pressure on my chest, and it's choking me.

*

My alarm makes me jolt up in the morning, my heart flooding with adrenaline. I suck in breaths, trying to stop the crushing on my chest, but it feels like it's not doing anything. Sweat drips down my forehead and back, making me shiver. I feel sick.

When I get myself calmed down, I stay lying in my bed for a long time, unable to will myself to move. Just the thought of leaving the house makes me feel a bit woozy, and causes me to shake. The weight crushes onto my chest again.

I think about dance practice. We're going to be there all day. I don't know how I can manage, when just a small tweak of my muscle is enough to make my heart rate pick up. It's not even like it stems from anything. Dancing doesn't make me nervous, singing doesn't make me nervous. I obviously fear getting hurt - we all do, but not enough to make me feel as ill as this. I have no fears about the outside world. It's just like the routine is catching on me, pulling me under. I don't know how to get out, and I'm trapped, making me feel claustrophobic.

I start to hyperventilate a little. With a shaking hand, I reach out for my water, and manage to take a sip. My chest hitches, forcing me to breathe in, and I start to choke. I drop the bottle, spluttering, trying to get a breath in. I hate choking on water.

There's a soft knock on the door, and Jimin peers his head around the door. "Jungkook? You okay?"

I point to my water bottle. "Cho ... king."