BTS Sickfics

Yoongi: Self Harm

okay so, massive trigger warning!! for self harm.

also, this is going to be the only story i do in this nature. i found this one super triggering to write, so its a bit shorter than my others, and i know its really not perfect, but i cant bring myself to write it again.

request by anonymous

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Yoongi's POV -

I've struggled with mental health problems for a great deal of my life. Even before I joined Bangtan. At home, we were very poor, and it was hard to get by with daily life. That's when my mental health went downhill.

My parents also didn't agree with me being interested in music. They wanted me to follow my father's path in becoming a lawyer, and, although I was getting the grades to go to Uni, I just didn't want to. I really wanted to be a hip-hop/ rap producer. It brought me down further, and I nearly gave into their views.

I went for the audition as a whim. I didn't really think I would get through. But I did. I was the second to join a group - yet to be named - with one other boy: Kim Namjoon.

I thought this would be my big break, but, BigHit was very poor, and soon, the dorm was overcrowded with 7 people, when in reality it could fit two at the most. I just suddenly felt that I had made the worst mistake in my life. My parents weren't talking to me, I was going to a new school, and we and the boys had absolutely no money. We were on a stupid diet and I was starving, and I had to dance, even though I said I didn't want to.

Despite all the work we put in, it was unlikely for us to have a debut date. Idol groups are honestly treated like shit by Korean media. They'll say they want you to debut, and, when you show up, they just ask you to get out, or they've changed their minds. If you do get a debut stage, a lot of the time, you'll get cut off half way through. Then, you're never heard of again. That was the way we were heading.

I thought that, when we did debut, my health would pick up. We would start earning money, and hopefully we would be able to eat properly. Things wouldn't be so bad. The suicidal thoughts would stop. My parents would love me.

Yeah, things didn't go that way. I was so happy to debut. To show off my work. The people who were waiting for us were happy, and we managed to pull in even more fans. The problem was, I let hate comments get on top of me. I let them control me. My mental health plummeted. I was suicidal, and the boys wouldn't let me out of their sight, just in case.

The fans didn't know the half of it, even when I dropped out of the concert in Japan having a crippling panic attack. I opened up a little, and the fans knew I had something going on in my head, and were extremely sympathetic. Even the boys were nice to me. Mental health isn't widely accepted here. I thought I'd lose my job.

I released a song about it, when I started feeling a little better, telling the fans exactly how I felt in those times. I had gone and gotten a real diagnosis, and knew I had depression, anxiety, and OCD. These would be labels on me for life. I was going to therapy, and had medication, which is how I started to recover.

The thing about mental health is that it never just disappears. You could be doing well for years, and suddenly, when you wake up in the morning, you can't feel anything, and you can't get yourself up. Your mind is crowded with bad thoughts, and you end up relapsing. It's tiring. You feel like a failure. The thought of recovering all over again is too much.

It's too much.

*

"Yoongi?" Hoseok strokes my hair gently, looking at my face gently. "How are you doing today? Any better?"