BTS Sickfics

Hoseok's Epilepsy: Jimin?

Jimin's POV -

It's been two months since the last update. There's good news! But there's always bad news. The good news has to come first for the bad news to make sense: Hoseok's day seizures have stopped! Whilst he's awake, he's completely seizure free, which means his atonic, tonic, and absence seizures have stopped. However, if you can tell by my words, you know what the bad news is. He's still having night seizures.

Now that we have a working medication, we're on the right track of finding the next medication to stop the night seizures. He's just started a new one, so, until they start to work or proven to be unsuccessful for Hoseok, we just have to wait. Until then, he just has to suffer through them.

Hoseok is doing pretty well. He's still completely sore, and he's exhausted in the morning, but his brain is starting to clear up, and he's getting some of his passion back. He's started dancing with us again, but he still won't in his spare time. He fears the seizures still, but I think he feels better that he doesn't have to feel them coming on; they pass whilst he sleeps. Apart from the pain in the morning, and the post-ictal stage, which he usually doesn't remember, he doesn't have recollection of a seizure passing at all. He still fears the whole death part, but he knows he has me.

Well. About me. It's been three months of Hoseok having a seizure every night. I'm not doing well. At all. He might not feel the seizure passing, but I'm the one jerked awake every night, watching in worry in case something happens. I might be able to deal with him seizing, but what if he gets hurt? Or if he stops breathing? He's come close a couple of times, and I'm definitely not prepared. I have to watch him suffer, then spend the rest of my night cleaning him up, and changing the bedsheets. Once we're finally back in bed, I can't get back asleep.

Quite frankly I feel awful. My head is always pounding, and I can't focus. I fall asleep as soon as I sit down, and no one really seems ... interested. They know it happens every night, yet not a single Bangtan member has offered to help me out. Surely they can see the dark smudges under my eyes? I've lost weight. A lot of the time, I feel too tired to eat properly, and other times Hoseok goes to bed early because he's tired too, and then I have to go with him in case he has the seizure sooner, rather than later. Not even Hoseok seems too thankful for the cuts I've made to my life, just for him.

I feel awful saying that. It's not like Hoseok can really help it. He didn't ask to have seizures. He shouldn't have to go out of his way to make me feel good. But I keep thinking, I didn't ask for this either. I just want a bit of help, but no one is listening to my calls for help.

Hoseok meets up with his therapist three times a week. He tells her everything. She's been a massive help to him, and she's helped him overcome that original depressive stage. He still has bad days; sometimes he doesn't move off the sofa all day and shouts at us, but his attitude in general is already so much better. I still fill in his seizure diary for him, though I'm not sure if either the therapist or his neurologist look at it anymore.

That's another piece of news. Hoseok isn't eligible for surgery. He has temporal lobe epilepsy, so they won't be able to find the area that's causing them without severely disabling him. He didn't take the news very well at all, but he's getting over it.

Work has started again. We've released a new album, and made some new dances, but BigHit have released a statement that says we won't be going on tour just yet. They didn't put the real reason, just that there were travelling problems at the moment. We've stuck to releasing loads of Bangtan Bombs to make ARMY feel better. They're taking it really well.

*

For the past couple of nights, I haven't been feeling well at all. I wake with such a migraine I'm starting to find that I can't help Hoseok in any way. I start to worry that I'm going to hurt him, since I can't care for him the way I need to, but I can't think of what else I can do. In reality, I've stopped caring at the same time I'm worrying more - how does that work? It is what it is. He seizes, that's all.