BTS Sickfics

Hoseok's PTSD

hi this is the worst sickfic ive ever written, enjoy :)

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(A Continuation of Hoseok's Roller Coaster Accident)

Seokjin's POV -

It's been just over 6 months since Hoseok fell off that roller coaster, and things still aren't brilliant. He has PTSD, which, until last month, was completely unmanageable. It's taken over his life. It's like talking to an entirely different person sometimes. On good days, he's normal Hoseok, if a little quiet, but, on bad days - which is most days - he's irritable, and he curls up and just ... rocks. It breaks my heart.

My own guilt hasn't really worn off, either. I can hear him screaming when I'm lying awake at night, unable to get myself to sleep. He screams so much it feels like I should be immune, but I'm not. I break down into tears every single time. I think sometimes I make Hoseok worse, because I can't calm myself down. I'm a failure as a hyung.

But, back to Hoseok. This isn't about me. I should recap how the last 6 months have been for him.

Like I said, until last month, it was unmanageable. Every day was a bad day. He had flashbacks, and cried so much he kept getting dehydrated. He wouldn't take his medication because he was too afraid, and he wouldn't eat properly. Because of his leg and hip, he couldn't dance, so he lost passion, and kept trying to quit. None of us will ever let him quit.

Last month, he suddenly switched, and started to take his meds again. They've been helping a little, and, as the weeks are passing, he's definitely improving. Obviously, it won't just go away overnight, so he's still having a lot of bad days.

His bad days aren't as bad as they used to be, though. He has less flashbacks, and he's not so withdrawn within himself. His anxiety is starting to calm down, though the panic attacks are just as strong and crippling.

He's been given the all clear for dance this month, too, so he comes to the studio with us. It's like flipping a switch. He suddenly picks up, and you can see the light in his eyes. You wouldn't guess something bad had happened to him.

The one thing I'm not looking forward to: tour. It's happening next month. The album is dropping tomorrow, and thankfully, this isn't a trigger for Hoseok. Even though rapping and dancing seems to be therapeutic, we can't afford for him to have one of his episodes on stage, and he still has a limp, though I don't think that will ever go away. PDnim keeps saying it'll help him return to normality, but I'm not too sure.

We've all done our research into PTSD, and seeing the list of symptoms that Hoseok used to relate to, and now doesn't, gives me a sense of hope. He's still overrun with them, but he's got his interest back, and he's back to being tactile with us. I really missed Hoseok's hugs. I thought he might try to avoid me, but he doesn't. Being held helps him with his flashbacks. He comes around from them faster.

Hoseok's flashbacks are, what I think to be, the reason why he suffers more. He can start a day normally, and he'll laugh, and mess around, but then he just suddenly switches, and he starts going all tense. His breathing picks up, and his eyes go all round. You can't move him at all when they happen, because he's too stiff. In his brain, he relives the memory, and he starts to scream. He's even made himself sick with the screaming before. He sometimes keeps going until his voice is so hoarse he can't speak anymore. Afterwards, he'll have a panic attack, which sometimes makes him pass out. The flashbacks only last up to 10 minutes, but the aftereffects last him the rest of the day. He goes all withdrawn, and avoids talking to us. Even though he's exhausted, he stays all tensed up.

Jimin said that, in the mornings, Hoseok sometimes struggles to get out of bed. He stays so tense in his sleep, his joints cause him pain, and it's like he has arthritis. He just can't get himself up. It wears off in the day, but it still breaks my heart.