Kid, tell me what happened: The Sequel

vent

Hey guys, it's me Sarah, as the title says I've been in a mood lately and I just really really really need to vent, and the only place that I feel that I can truly talk about stuff is here because I love you guys so much and I know that y'all won't  judge me.

I dunno, I just haven't been feeling me lately and everything sucks. I know the entire world is going through a pandemic and we are all in this together, but it so hard to live through this. This is really scary once the reality of this all hits you. So many people are dying and getting sick and in this world nothing is assured and you never know what's going to happen next which you never really see how frightening this is when so many people are dying.

This is going to get personal so please bare with me. When I was two years old, I was going to have a baby sister, but she was born with a respiratory condition that prevented her from being able to come home. Basically, she wasn't born healthy and thus, couldn't breathe on her own without medical equipment. The doctors, from what I was told spent  time in debating where they should place her and transferred her from hospital to hospital, but a few weeks after her first birthday, she passed away. I was two and I had only met her once. And the idea that I could lose someone else, my grandparents in Pakistan who can't come because if they were in America they'd be at a high risk, or my cousins who have asthma and conditions, to my parents and my sister and even myself and friends, I'm so scared. I'm so scared that this will become a new normal, where we have to live in fear.

And the idea of staying inside, as much as I know why it's essential and I avoid going outside because I have severe paranoia, it's so hard. I feel scared to go outside, I feel scared in general. I can't be as close to my parents as I was before because they both work. The last time I hugged either of them had to be in maybe February or early March. I just want normalcy.

My mind, mood, and anxiety has been all over the place. My mind feels so stuck and trapped, not physically but just with myself. I feel myself drifting off into little fictional worlds where everything's okay not in a dissociating way, but just trying to find a small escape for everything. I want to be happy with myself and my surroundings, but being inside for all this time, you really start to think about yourself and the world around me. I've learned that I'm not truly happy with myself. Physically at least. I've never felt this way before, and it's scary. I've always felt somewhat confident with my short, skinny, not so curvy self but now when I look in the mirror it's different. I notice things that I once felt okay with depsite the world making fun of me for it. My moods have been swinging back and forth, I feel trapped in a box and i want to feel good again. I want those days where school was great and it's warm outside and I can laugh and feel good about the world, not feel like I'm doing things wrong and not enough. Before, my anxiety would come whenever certain things woild happen. But now, having all this time to think and overthink, it's like walking on eggshells with your thoughts. I feel so trapped mentally, like I have all this stuff written down to type up or homework but I don't have the motivation to actually work. I want to feel good again. Where after a few hours of work I can write more creatively and filtered and express me.

But with everything going and the uncertainty for how long , it changes everything completely. I just want to feel better and be okay. I'm just letting the words come out how they want but the feeling in the back of my head screaming stuck just won't stop.