Allison and Kid

Chapter 20: One of My Dreams

Hello, December! You've gotten so cold!

It's been two months since he left me. Things are still fresh like it was yesterday. I was so glad that he found me when I knew that I have myself altogether again. It was indeed a beautiful spring and a warm summer but he changed like autumn and it's funny that it happened during that time also; it seems like his love was based on seasons.

I was stupid for forcing that there's still summer in autumn. I disregarded the transition. I thought I could do something about his emotions. I was wrong. Hmmmm that's right, I was wrong.

Now, I'm scared of a lot of things and I'm more cautious. I'm scared with the words "I love you" because it can fade easily and too disappointed in love that I don't want to feel it for someone else again. I detached myself completely so I won't be hurt.

Everyday is like a battle. A battle that I always try to survive. I wake up every morning thinking about "What time will I sleep at night?". It's already a cycle but I choose to keep going.

But I am thankful that I have small achievements. The joy is different if it is for your family. I'm glad that I bought a house for us. I'm happy to see my mom cooking in the kitchen and dad's beautiful portrait in our living room that makes me smile whenever I see it. I can't believe that it's been 10 years since he passed away. Kurt, Pine's eldest plays basketball in the backyard and Deianna, his youngest, imitates Callah, my youngest sister as she makes her vlogs at home.

Pine got divorced with his ex-wife. He found out that she cheated and that woman chose the other guy than her family. Since then, we lived together. Now, Kurt is already nine while Deianna is seven. Most of the time, I attend their school activities since their dad is always busy but mom never failed to miss their Recognition Days.

Callah aims to become a Flight Attendant someday and she's still taking up college. Most of the time, she's not at home but whenever she's with us, she's asleep or doing vlogs. Just the usual teeny stuff.

Even though a lot of things changed, I never changed when it comes to my family; especially to my mom. She's actually my inspiration. She raised us for ten years without dad and since then, she decided that dad is her last love.

In my case, Kid didn't die. His feelings for me died but it's not the end of my world. It's actually a new chapter or maybe a new book. I know someday, things will get better. I may be okay now but someday, I'll be better. I'll be fine. I'll be happy again. I know it's okay to cry every night, asking myself "What have I done?" until it's gone. Until it is completely gone.

I don't want to feel this way and I don't want to ignore the sunshine during sunny days. I know I'll get over soon not for Kid to see but for me because I'm the one who's left here.

It's painful to be left here.

Now, I'm giving up one of my dreams—the stupid dream about being with him and a one way ticket someday to him. I don't want to bring this awful dream next year. Giving up this one doesn't mean I'm weak. Giving up on this means I know what's for me.

And it's not him.