Vanilla's Poser Girl

Chapter 25

Vanilla

The dark side of love is the most dangerous part of loving someone. It harbors insecurities, hatred, anger, and pain.

Everyone is as speechless as I am. We have all watched the tapes. I did it with everyone watching. Forget modesty. They were my freakin' family. What happened to me is a right they should know. Lalo pa at involve na din sila.

Pati yung documented research ni Leigh na kinuha ko. The Light and Zero program. I gave them all a copy.

And the tape where Carmi was raped. I let them to watch it too.

This is the only way we can all survive. Honesty and Trust are so commonly misused. But those two played a vital role in the foundation of every relationship.

"I've been seeing another doctor for two weeks now, guys." Mahinang sabi ko to break the silence. "She recommended me to open myself up to the closest family that I have. And I think of you all. It will help me to finally freed myself and heal."

Tahimik lang silang lahat as they were all digesting everything. I've laid all the facts on their tables.

"We've been through thick or thin. Madalas man na ang bobo ko, I know you guys won't left me. I know that I'm the weakest link. That I'm so gullible. That I am not thinking and just let my heart leads me. But I want you to know that I love you. I love you that every words you're saying meant a part to me. My brain might not be functioning right. But i hope my heart does. Yung kulang sa pang-unawa ng utak ko sana masapatan ng pang-unawa na kayang ibigay ng puso ko."

They were transfixed with mixed emotions. Hindi ako magaling mag basa ng emosyon at galaw ng tao. So I won't pretend to be one now.

Hindi ko malalaman kung anong iniisip nila. Kung anong susunod nilang gagawin. I'm not Kayleigh. I'm just Van. Right, just Vanilla.

"I need you all to understand what's going on. Because I don't want you to misunderstand. It's so hard to take one side while being blinded of the other side." Sabi ko pa.

"If that's about you, justifying an act of violence and abuse, I don't want to hear it." Kontra naman ni Hariette.

I managed to pull a smile for her.

"I love you too, Hariette. You and Railey has been my refuge too when we were a child. I know that you're getting mad because you can't accept what happened to me. But please open your heart too. Find peace when it is trying to camouflage itself."

Seeing the tapes of my lost memories, the pain relives. It's like nothing that someone would want to get themselves into.

But that's my darkest side. The darkest side that was forced out of me. The darkest side that Leigh won't deal with. The darkest side that can be both healing and destructive for us.

Carmi is as broken as I am. As she used me, I'm also using her to survive. We both did things to survive. So as Leigh's.

The tapes were records of my full submission into my own demons. I allowed everything, I asked Carmi to hurt me. She pulled out the darkest side of my weaknesses. Lahat ng hinanakit at kahinaan ko. That's why I  desired to be punished. To be hurt physically.

In that state, my mind is into losing every consciousness, except the fact that I am hurting because I am too weak. Lahat ng bagay na hindi ko masabi at magawa, I said it while in that state. Carmi recorded everything.

Lahat ng regrets, ng pains, ng inner thoughts, ng destructive emotions, those were all captured. I regret being not able to say to Leigh back then that I love her. But in the video, I kept on telling how much I love her.