Salient Secret

Chapter 4

Saturday.

The most routine day of the week for me, I wake up at 8 am, get dressed, eat breakfast, watch FRIENDS for the millionth time, then at 9 am, I go to the doctor for my weekly check-ups, then we go to the mall, grab some lunch (aka Cinnabon) ...yes people with cancer can have unhealthy eating habits too.

After the mall, we visit my aunt, well not really visit because when we come, she goes, we're actually her underpaid babysitters. She is the mother of my two baby cousins, one is 5 years old and the other just turned 2 years old, my aunt and her husband like to get some alone time every Saturday. I don't even blame them, like all kids their age, they require attention 24/7. I honestly have no idea how they manage all the time.

If I could, I don't know if I'd even want kids, maybe just 2, but only if I can co-parent with Maya. Being a full-time mom seems exhausting. My mom dedicated every spare minute she had to us right up until now.

Anyways, after we babysit, we go home, and watch movies and eat all kinds of crap until we all fall asleep and then somehow, I wake up in bed.

MY 7:55 am alarm violently went off, snapping me out of my morning haze. I rolled out of bed and meandered into the bathroom, brushed my teeth, showered, braided my hair, and decided to wear a black denim skirt with black stockings, a black polar neck, and black boots, to top it all off, I threw on a multi-layered silver necklace and a pair of matching earrings.

If I could go to university, I would probably study something in the fashion field. My family used to tell me I should become a model because I am quite tall and easy on the eyes, but they stopped because one time I joked around and responded with, "No I should be dead," I laughed, they didn't. I often forget I'm the only one not affected by my inevitable death.

I made my way downstairs, made cereal, I know, chefs special, and then I turned FRIENDS on, on the TV, I think I'm an addict, it's unhealthy. And not long after that mom and I were off to the doctor.

"Have you been taking your medicine?" the doctor asked, like he does every week.

"Of course, doc, I'm running for patient of the month," I joked, and my mom giggled while my doctor did not.

"Glad you can find some joy in the situation," he said disapprovingly, "We will have to run some more tests today, it seems your cancer is spreading faster than usual."

"What?" I heard myself asking, my heart dropped. I knew my remaining time was limited but I wanted to be alive a little longer, I wanted to graduate with Maya next year, know what University she's going to, see Chloe start high school, and at the very least spend one last Christmas with my family.

"We have to run more tests to see exactly what's happening, but you'll need to stay here for the day," the doctor said, leaving to prepare for the tests.

I barely realized my mom sitting on the chair staring into blank space. I knew exactly how she was feeling because I was feeling it to. The possibility of being robbed of even more time was soul crushing.

My mom and I have always been really close, I tell her pretty much everything. She's the best mom a child could ever have asked for.

I've been working on a 'post-death-pack', morbid I know, but it will contain letters and videos, with messages for all the people I love. 13 Reasons Why style but instead of horrific stories, it will be my last words of love. Something people can hold to for the rest of their lives if they want to.

There's a pamphlet for a support group in there for my mom, it's specifically for mothers who have lost their children. I checked it out earlier in the year and it really seems like it will help her, the people there are really nice despite what they've all been through. I hope she makes good friends there and she gets the love and support she needs.

"Mom say something," I pleaded. The silence was deafening. But she didn't respond, I could see the tears building up in her eyes. "Mom," I said a little louder and she snapped out of her trance.

"Oh, sorry honey," she got up and pulled her phone out of her bag. "I have to call your aunt to tell her we won't be able to visit today," her voice was cracking, she wanted to cry, but she was trying to be strong for me. That only broke my heart even more.

"Mom, its ok-" she walked out of the room before I could finish my sentence.

I hopped off the bed to follow her, and as I stepped out into the hall, I saw a girl in the distance, I could tell she had cancer because she had no hair, meaning she had chemotherapy and her lips were dark, she is about 6/7 years old. I saw my mom sitting on one of the benches in the hallway, staring at this little girl, with no expression on her face.

"Mom, talk to me," I whispered as I sat next to her.

"That was you, not too long ago, we thought things would get better after that...how stupid we were." Tears streamed down her perfect face. I wanted to tell her to stop, to stop thinking about it, to hope for the best, that things will be okay...but that wasn't the truth, and I couldn't bring myself to lie to her, not now. She was breaking.

"Things did get better after that mom, I lived, for more years than anyone thought I'd live for, I got to make memories with my family, I got to go to school like a normal teenager, I got to live like I wasn't dying, and I cannot thank you enough for that," I said as I took her warm hand in my cold ones.

"It's just not fair, you should be normal, you shouldn't have to act normal...your school is going to get the shock of their lives when they hear one of their students died from a cancer that they've had their whole high school career. All your school friends are going to feel like crap because they didn't know," she said laughing, I didn't know why.

I wasn't complaining though, I much prefer her laughing than crying, so I went ahead and laughed with her. We looked psychotic but I didn't care.

She eventually stopped and in a very gentle tone she whispered, "Thank you for being the best daughter a mom could ever ask for," she wrapped her arms around me and continued, "Don't tell your sister I said that," we both laughed, and I wished that moment could have lasted forever.