Salient Secret

Chapter 9

I couldn't help but feel guilty the next day because last night all I could think about was Kai. My fight with Maya felt like it was a thing of the past in contrast to everything else...the way my stomach churned whenever he was in proximity, the way he beat up that guy, the way I couldn't bring myself to care about that thief who was probably injured really badly, the way Kai's hands didn't even have a scratch, and most of all, how safe I felt when he walked me home.

I knew I shouldn't, but I couldn't help myself, I revelled in it, I revelled in the fact that I had a crush. An actual crush. Someone who made my heart beat fast, my palms sweat, and my breath catch.

I never let myself get too close to anyone this way, but I couldn't help, and I didn't want to. I've never felt so embarrassingly giddy. I've never woken up smiling the same smile that I had when I went to sleep.

Perhaps it was childish and cliché, and maybe even it made me a bad friend to Maya, but I loved this feeling. It's been a really long time since I woke up excited for something.

I rolled out of bed practically skipping into the bathroom despite the fact that I wasn't going to wake up in this room for the next two weeks – Doc told us that I would need to stay in the hospital for 2 weeks of observation for the beginning of my trials. It sucked but I needed to downtime to complete my post-death-pack.

The façade of my normal life was officially fading into oblivion – I didn't have school anymore, Maya and I were on the outs, and I had a damn crush on a boy that I knew nothing about and would most likely never see again.

I could feel the change in the air, the shift my life was making, this was a new phase, and I was going in smiling from ear to ear.

I packed a bag for my lengthy stay and slipped into sweats. I wore my hair in a ponytail and couldn't help but think about what the trials would do to me...would I lose my hair again? Would they make me feel drowsy 24/7? Would it hurt?

My smile began to slip away at the underlying truth of the situation. What if the trials didn't work?

If I thought about it for a second longer, I would break down, and that's why I did my best to shrug the thought away. I grabbed my packed bag and made my way downstairs.

"Hey Ave, mind if we tag along?" Jason asked with grin on his face.

An instant lump formed in my throat at the sight of my whole family waiting for me at the bottom of the staircase. I wanted to cry then and there. They all wore the familiar smile of worry and pity, one that said, "This might be the last time we get to go with you to the hospital."

"Don't cry Ave, you'll make us cry," Chloe said, noticing the tears pooling in my eyes. Her eyes were just as glossy as mine. As soon as she wrapped her arms around me, I lost it, I couldn't stop the tears from spilling over, and neither could she, neither could my mom. No one said it but we were officially in the last few weeks of my life. Months if we were lucky.

"She's going to be late," Jason said through a sniff. Gosh if he was crying, then this was really as bad as it seemed.

"Yes, Jason is right, let's get going," I shot him a grateful smile, filled with understanding as to why he wasn't joining the group hug. He wasn't ready to think of goodbyes, and neither was I.

No one said a word on the way to the hospital, instead we simply sat in silence listening to the radio. I was grateful for the music chipping away at the depressing tension, but I forced myself to empty my mind and stare mindlessly out of the window. It was a form of meditation. I needed one moment today, just one, where the weight of the world didn't threaten to crush me.

I clung to the memory of last night like it was my lifeline, and in a way, it was. Kai was a lifeline I didn't even know I needed then. He was something, someone, to distract me from myself, to make me feel something new.

We arrived at the hospital a moment too soon. Dad dropped us off at the main entrance while my brother and him went to find parking. Mom spoke to the nurses and got me settled into a room that was a lot nicer than my last one.

It didn't look like a hospital at all actually. The interior was beige instead of the usual blue, and the bed barely resembled a hospital bed, it was closer to a hotel set up. It was cozy. Hell, the TV was better than the one in my room at home. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad after all.

Before I could ask my mom how we could afford a room like this one, my doctor walked in and explained the basics about the procedures. Then a peppy nurse took his place and talked me through the standard rules for patients like me. It wasn't anything I hadn't heard before...stay on this floor, don't remove any needles without permission, don't smoke etc etc.

My family lingered around awkwardly, I ended up acting really tired – which wasn't entirely a lie – and mom suggested I get some rest. I was grateful that they left without any sappy goodbye attempts. I couldn't handle round 2.

I was also extremely grateful that the doctor told us that my trial got moved to tomorrow instead of today. I had another day of calm before the inevitable storm. I was happy my family wasn't here to witness how anxious I was about it.

I sent a message to Maya saying I was sorry for the millionth time and then I curled up into a ball under the bedding and clutched my knees as tight as I could manage and let my exhaustion take over.