When the Sun hides

Thirteen

It was only three in the morning but I couldn't fall back to sleep. My mind was overthinking. And my head hurt.

We couldn't set aside this issue anymore. Ilang beses na namin itong ipinagsawalang bahala. We should make a decision now. Kahit na mukhang nakapag-desisyon na siya.

I glanced at his sleeping figure.

Imagining that I will not be waking up beside him brings a sting into my chest.

Hindi ko ata kaya. Pero alam ko na dapat kong kayanin. Dapat namin kayanin.

Ang daming bagay ang gusto ko gawin kasama siya, mga lugar na gusto ko puntahan naming dalawa. Ang ganda ng mga plano ko para sa hinaharap namin. Ngunit mananatili nalang atang pangarap ang lahat.

I've been working hard for us. I'm not used to living without him, even with our situation now, wherein he rarely comes home to me, ang hirap na sa akin, hindi ko lang pinapakita sa kanya.

I want to be exclusively and excessively concerned with my own desires, needs, and interest. I want him only for me. I can't live my life without him but I am fully aware also that I can't keep him beside me knowing that he's living with regrets.

Among all the people, I'm the one who knows him very well. I can tell when he is happy or sad. I know the reasons behind his silence. I know his favorites. I know his likes and dislikes. I know his greatest fear. I know his ultimate dreams. I know how much he longs for his family, especially his mother. I know his struggles to make everyone proud, to show the world his talents. I know how deep is his love for me. I know that he will always choose me over his dreams.

And I also know how badly it will affect him if ever I decided to break up with him.

I closed my eyes and put my face in my palms.

Nahihirapan na ako.

~~~

Maga-alas singko ng umaga nang makapagdesisyon na ako. Tiningnan ko muna siya bago ako umalis ng kama.

Nagluto ako ng marami at masarap na almusal. Nag-file ako ng leave ngayon araw nang sa ganun ay makasama ko siya.

I want to spend this day very well with him.

Pagkatapos magluto ay naglinis din ako ng bahay. Inayos ko ang mga gamit ko at ang kanya. Mahimbing pa rin naman ang tulog ni Ken.

Maya maya pa'y mayroong dalawang braso ang mahigpit na yumakap sa akin mula sa likod. I could feel the warmth of his skin as he trailed soft kisses on my neck. I squirmed and forced myself to face him. He's smiling down at me though I could see the sadness in his eyes.

"Good morning. How's your sleep?" I asked. Before answering, he kissed me quickly.

"Always the best because I'm with you." He kissed me again. I smiled. "How about you?" And he flashed a salacious smirk. Na-gets ko agad ang ibig niyang sabihin. I slightly tapped his chest. "Maybe we can have a morning quickie?" He uttered more under his breath I gaped and he chuckled. "Joke lang." Dagdag niya pa. Napapailing nalang ako.

"Tara na. Mag-almusal na tayo. Gutom lang yan." At tsaka ko siya hinila papunta sa kusina.

"Wow. Ang daming foods. Wala kang pasok today?" I shook my head and began eating. He even got his phone and put on background music. Music is indeed his life.

I tried my best to hide the gloomy feeling.

"Gusto mo pumunta sa amusement park? Kaunti lang ang tao ngayon dahil weekday." I suggested, breaking the deafening silence between us. He looked at me.