Love in the Cold Wind

PROLOUGE

Prolouge

I can’t breath.

I said it numerous times but no one can hear me. I didn’t knew how I ended up being here.

I tried. I'm tired.

They thought my life was perfect. A wonderful one. But I can clearly remembered how they turned blind eye with my struggles.

I wanted someone. But I can't find one.

No one tried to understand me because I stopped myself from being vocal with my struggles.

It was my fault.

They tried to reach out for me but I chose to isolate myself. Just like an island in the middle of the ocean. All alone.

Napatingin ako sa maliwanag na buwan na nagsisilbing ilaw ngayon sa akin habang ako'y unti-unting lumulubog.

Napakaganda nito at kahit ako'y nasa bingit ng kamatayan ay napapasaya. Masaya ako na ang huli kong makikita bago lisanin ang mundo ay ang maliwanag na buwan.

Ang sabi nila ay kapag malapit ka na sa iyong huling oras ay manunumbalik ang mga masasayang alaala sa iyong buhay.

But I don’t have one.

Even if I have, the saddest memories will outweigh it. I don’t even have a good life. I don’t even know if I have lived a happy life.

Lahat ay malabo. Lahat ay hindi sigurado. Lahat ay masakit. Lahat ay pagpapanggap lamang.

Ilang beses na ako umiyak. Ilang beses ko na itong binalak pero hindi ko magawa dahil alam kong malulungkot si mama.

But, I don’t have a choice.

It’s so hard to live. It’s hard to survive in this cruel world.

Every step that I've taken was like digging my own grave.

My heart is tired to absorb everything. I lost my reason to live. I'm not sure if I truly had a reason.

Pumikit na ako dahil tanggap ko na ang kahahantungan ko. Pagkatapos ng napakaraming taon na ako'y nagpakahirap, ito lang pala ang katapusan ko.

Nakakatawa dahil takot akong mabura sa mundong ito noon ngunit ngayon ay handang handa ako. At iyon ay nakakalungkot.

The image of my mom smiling at me flashed in my mind. The smile that she always give me no matter what the situation is.

I’m sorry mom, your golden child has failed you.

Para akong nabusuhan ng mainit na tubig kahit ako'y nalulunod na. Bakit ko ito ginagawa? Bakit ako nandito?

Bumalik ako sa aking sarili. Hindi maaari ito! Hindi dapat ganito!

Pinilit kong lumangoy paitaas ngunit huli na.

Nawalan na ako ng hininga at unti-unti nang nagdilim ang aking paligid.

Am I dead?

Is my life really over?

Did I made the right choice?

All my life, I’ve been doing what I think is right. Walang lugar ang pagkakamali sa sistema ko.

Ayokong may masabing hindi maganda ang ibang tao tungkol sa akin.

Ayokong magkamali sa harapan nila.

Ayokong maging mahina at pabigat sa aking pamilya.

Ngunit, sa aking desisyon ngayon ay nabigo ko na sila.

But I think, I failed myself the most.

I should’ve fight more. I should’ve trusted myself better.

I should’ve. It’s too late.

To someone above who has a supreme power, I’m sorry for failing you. I gave up this life because I can’t find another reason to keep going.

My mom, who only sees what she wants to see, I’m sorry for leaving you.

I hope my trophies, medals and certificates will help you sleep soundly at night. Please don’t cry too long because of me.

My beloved friends, Letisha and Allison, I’m sorry because I’m to weak to cope with how life’s telling me to do.

Wala silang pagkukulang bilang mga kaibigan ko. Ako ang nagdesisyong sarilihin ang aking problema.

Ako ang dapat nilang sisihin.

This is my life. And I chose to end it.

A soft and warm thing touched my lips and I felt air inside me. Someone is pumping my chest and opened my mouth to give me an air.

But, I didn’t move. I still can’t breath.

Nasa kabilang buhay na ba ako?

I heard weird noises around me. May umiiyak at sinisigaw ang aking pangalan.

Ito na ba ang burol ko?

It’s funny how they didn’t cried for me when I was still alive. Now, that I’m not, I’m hearing their cries for me.

Unti-unting umaakyat ang nakabarang tubig sa loob ng aking katawan. Isang malalim na hininga ang ginawad ko at saka umubo ng umubo.

Ako'y dumilat at aking muling nasilayan ang buwan. Naramdaman ko na basa ang aking katawan ngunit wala na ako sa tubig.

Kung ganoon, nasaan ako?

Nahagip ng aking paningin ang isang lalaki na nakatingin sa akin. Matalim ang kanyang tingin ngunit agad itong lumambot ng mapansing nakatingin ako sa kanya.

Hinawakan niya ang aking leeg para mapakiramdaman ang aking pulso.

I’m still alive.

Why am I still alive?

Why did he save me?

Is my life not supposed to end that way?

He sighed deeply because of relief. I knew this man. I knew him very well.

It's like his face is my comfort. My fortress.

Now I know why my life is not over yet. I know why I'm still breathing.

He saved me. Once again.

But before I remember his name, everything went black. Like how I described my life.