anarchy \\ chandler riggs

>30

Standing by Alexa's coffin made me think, about life in particular. Not the cheesy shit, like how I will no longer be able to have my perfect family, children, a husband, a home of my own. Because, there's no point. Why bring an innocent child into a life of inevitable misery and sorrow where death lurks around every single corner. It would bring me down. It would bring them down. And it is simply a wreck waiting to happen.

Alexa would have been a brilliant mother. She was patient, kind, gentle. Hell, me compared to her I probably look like the devil. Why take a gentile soul away? I wondered and wondered. Why take away someone so compassionate? But then it struck me, I was being selfish.

I wanted Alexa to still be alive, for my needs, completely neglecting her own. The pain and suffering she would go through daily, just to keep the rest of us happy, when she herself would be the opposite.

I kneeled to the ground, and in my fist I clenched a handful of mud, and waited until I could throw it onto her coffin. As I stood back up, I blocked out every sound. every breath, every ruffle of a tissue, every sniffle. I completely made the world around me silent.

For that moment, normality returned. It felt as if I could control what I wanted and as if I wasn't attending the funeral of one of my best friends.

Chandler tapped my shoulder, shattering my reality. "Throw it." He whispers, shaking his head towards the coffin.

And as I loosened my fist, the mud slipping through my fingers and spiralling through the air, waiting for the crashing it makes as it hits her coffin, it all hit me again.

This was my life. Death, sorrow and pain.

"Come on let's go." Chandler said, wrapping his arm around me.

We went back to our room, and I sat there. Staring blankly at the wall, silent.

"We are going to find the group tomorrow. The ones who are targeting us. Hunter wants you to come, he wants to see you properly. I'm action" Chandler said, but I shook off what he said paying no notice.

"Yeah, erm I'll go later." I replied with the first thing that came into my mind seeing as I didn't pay attention to what Chandler has previously said.

"What?" He said in confusion, furrowing his eyebrows. "Are you even listening?" He said, his voice raising, his tone deepening.

"Yes, no. Probably. I don't know." I replied, my back still towards him.

"Are you okay?" He said, crouching down by my side, placing his hand onto my thigh as he gazes straight into my eyes.

"Yeah, fine." I said bluntly.

"Don't lie to me. What's on your mind?" He said, concern in his voice.

"I'm worried this is all my life is planned out to be. Deaths after deaths, crying and crying, killing. Trying to stay alive every second of every day is tiring! It's draining me physically and emotionally. I don't know how much longer I can do this." I said, for the first time I was exposing my emotions to chandler. I was peeling away the tough layer I had on the outside, and all my emotions just flowed out.

"But you have me. I make you happy, I try and protect you. Life is unpredictable, and I don't like the situation either. But the only thing that makes it bearable, is having you by my side." He says.

I flash a quick smile at him, and exhale slowly.

"I'm tired." I said, standing up and approaching the bed.

"Me too." He says, crawling behind me.

I lay there, spooning Chandler and I gently shut my eyes.

"I'm kind of happy this whole thing happened." Chandler says.

"Are you crazy?" I chuckle softly.

"No. Maybe. But if this didn't all happen, then I never would've met you. If the world wasn't as fucked up as it is now, I'd never of met someone who makes me so happy as you do. I love you Lauren, I truly do. And I mean it, more than anything I've ever meant in my life."

"I love you too." I said, as Chandler gently places a kiss on my cheek.

"What do you dream about every night?" He asks.

"Last night I dreamt I rode a unicorn into the sunset." I sarcastically replied.

"Really?!" He replied back.

"No. I barely dream, but when i do, I usually forget it by the time I wake up. What about you?" I ask.

"I dream about us." he says.

"That's creepy, kinda. But cute." I say giggling.

"No, seriously. But in a not twisted world. And do you wanna know what happens?" He says, teasing me.

"Sure." I chuckle.

"You walk down the aisle. Looking beautiful as always. And I marry you." He says.

"Your messing with me." I say laughing.

"100% serious. If the world wasn't as it is now, I wouldn't be happy. Because you wouldn't be with me. I mean it."

"I know you do. I love you." I say.

"I love you too." He gently whispers back, before I fall into a gentle slumber.