oneshots 🧷 joshler

invalid

Tyler's eyes flickered over his reflection, sighing softly as he combed his fingers through his hair. He really didn't want to tell Josh anything he was about to tell him, but it had to be said. What if he was... different this time? He had to be hopeful or else nothing good would happen.

But god, it was so hard. Being hopeful was so hard when you constantly felt rejected. Everything was always his fault, and he knew it. Nobody truly liked him, right?

Leaving the bathroom, he took a few deep breaths, walking timidly into their bedroom. Josh was on the bed, on his laptop, looking casual. He looked up, noticing Tyler.

"Hey, hon," he said softly, a toothy grin on his face. "Need something?"

Tyler nodded, sitting down on the bed. "I, uh.. I wanted to tell you something." His eyes wouldn't meet Josh's, and he fidguted with his hands in his lap. Josh closed his laptop, turning his attention to Tyler.

"So.. uhm, the past few days- well, last night, really, I stumbled across this thing. And uh, it.. it kinda described me so I decided to research it and-" he struggled out, still not holding eye contact.

"Just spit it out, Tyler," Josh sighed, and Tyler froze for a second before nodding.

"I think I have problems," he blurted out. "B-but I don't because they- they're,  um.. normal, like you said. But I was researching and there's this condition and it's a mental thing, y'know? That's considered a problem?"

Josh looked... blank. "So, you're saying you want.. therapy," he said, looking to him with a serious expression. Tyler flinched at the word, putting his hands up.

"N-no, I don't," he said, and he wasn't sure if he was lying or not. "I just.. it-it's called, um. Rejection sensitive dysphoria? And, uh.. people with ADHD have it a lot.. makes people.."

He trailed off, reaching for his phone. Josh just crossed his arms, waiting for him patiently. After a short bit and Tyler explaining that he had to look it up, he cleared his throat, skimming through the article and summarizing it for Josh.

"Um.. 'Rejection sensitive dysphoria is extreme emotional sensitivity and pain triggered by the perception that a person has been rejected or criticized by important people in their life. It may also be triggered by a sense of falling short—failing to meet their own high standards or others’ expectations'," he read, flicking his eyes up to Josh every so often. "People who have it are really harsh critics of themselves and, um.. constantly weigh themselves by the b-bad things. When they're rejected, they can, um.. feel angry or depressed and stuff. They can become people pleasers, bending over backwards to get on people's good sides-"

"That isn't you," Josh interrupted. "You never get on my good side. You never please me."

Tyler took in a breath, a lump forming in the back of his throat. He knew this would happen, he knew it! Why did he think it would be any different?

"I-I.." he stuttered, his throat quick to start burning. "I'm s-sorry."

"Just continue," Josh told him, laying down on the bed and keeping his eyes on Tyler.

It took a second, but Tyler calmed himself, looking back down to his phone. "People with it can be p-perfectionists, spend extra uneeded time to reach idealized perfection. Um.. they can act with their st-strong emotions an-and just.. reject people and quit activities suddenly b-because they feel rejected."

His voice lowered on the last part, his eyes burning a bit as he felt Josh's eyes on him.

"They might feel afraid to share their real feelings," he said softly. "'C-cause they think they won't be accepted."

They were both silent for a moment, the tense air broken by Josh's irritated sigh.

"I don't understand what you want my reaction to be," he told him. "All you do is look at the negative. You can't see all your accomplishments, it's.. sad. I try and tell you how wonderful you're doing or how beautiful you look and you just.. reject me. You won't ever listen to me, so what should I say? How do you want me to react, Tyler?"

Tyler felt the tears welling up in his eyes. "You d-don't understand," he whispered, his head tilted to his lap.

"No, I don't understand! I don't know what to do! I offer you therapy, but all you do is reject it! If you think you have that many problems, then yeah, you should get it. I'm just saying, it won't do anything. It's done nothing for me," Josh ranted. "Go and tell a stranger everything instead of letting me help you."

"B-but you're not a doctor," Tyler murmured, his throat closing up as he felt a tear roll down his cheek. "N-not a professional."

Josh sighed, running a hand through his vibrant locks. "No, I'm not, but I know that what you're feeling is normal. It's something that everyone feels in a lifetime."

"Even when m-my friends say I n-need help?" Tyler asked timidly. Josh looked over to him, almost glaring.

"When have they ever said that?" he asked, and Tyler pulled at his hair slightly. Maybe he should've just.. not said anything. Bottling things up would've been much better than whatever this was turning into.

What would happen if he told Josh how he was making him feel? Would he understand? Or would he make it about himself, which seemed to be all he did?

"Y-you're making me f-feel.." he started  his voice so clogged from the tears he was desperately holding back. "Gosh.. I don't even wanna s-say it."

The two sat in silence for a while as Tyler gathered himself, still pulling on his hair as he took a few deep breaths.

"I dunno.. you're making me feel... in-invalid? B-but not! Not, you're n-not really, u-um..." He trailed off, thinking for something to say.

Josh just took a deep breath in and out. "You're saying that I can't do anything for you?" he filled in. "That you'd rather just.. go to someone that isn't someone you love and trust and tell them instead? All they'll do is say you're fine after a few weeks and dismiss you. They're not going to help."

Tyler was beginning to feel frustrated. Josh couldn't see it, could he? He was the problem! He was the reason why he was like this! Tyler didn't come to him for a reason, but he clearly couldn't catch on, huh?

But, instead of saying anything, instead of telling him how he truly felt, he just nodded, his eyes closed as hot tears ran down his cheeks. He hated crying in front of Josh. It showed that he was weak and that he couldn't hold a conversation without breaking down.

"You need to focus on the positive things more often," Josh scoffed. "Maybe then you wouldn't feel as depressed as you claim to be. I'm done with this conversation."

And they were done with the conversation. Just like that. Not another word uttered, as Tyler got up and closed himself in the bathroom, preparing to bottle up everything until the next time he felt ready to gently burst.

Why couldn't Josh understand?

But.. Josh still loved him. It was his job- to love and care for him. And he did.

Right?

~

vent.

this is almost an exact replica of a conversation me and my mother had a few days ago, just shorter. everything in this oneshot that josh had said is things that have been said to me from her. and i've said pretty much what tyler has said.

tyler is me. my thoughts. my words.

my mother has said that i can do online therapy, but she has made me so, so scared. all she does is put it down and i feel like she makes my feelings invalidated. i want to get myself checked out to see if everything is normal.

why can't she just listen?