oneshots 🧷 joshler

t-minus

vv strong subjects in this one.. be aware
~
i look at the reflection in the mirror, contemplating today.

do i really want to do today?

a clock chimes in my head, reminding me of all i can do today, and i pause.

i have to do today. i have work. i have a family, and i need work so i can get money, to get, to leave, to sleep peacefully. to smile regularly again.

i sneak a look back into the bedroom, hearing him snore quietly, and i tell myself to look back to the mirror. my eyes trace over my face, scanning all its imperfections.

my sister appears in my vision. "stop thinking like that. you look just fine, tyler. we still love you!" she says quietly, but with enthusiasm. i wave my hand at her, and she frowns before sadly disappearing.

there's a yawn and a sleepy groan, and i figure that he's up for the day.

my eyes flick back to my face, then down to my chest, with his cloud-soft shirt and my sweatpants, and i almost want to fall through the floor and keep falling, falling until i fall into a cloud softer than his shirt, softer than her hair, softer than his voice when he talks to me at night, softer than her favorite blanket.

i want a softer than soft cloud to land on, and then to sleep there forever.

he appears in the reflection. "good morning, honey," he says softly, kissing my forehead. i close my eyes and lean into him, feeling his warmth.

"did you get evie up yet?" i mumble to him, and he shakes his head.

"i figured you would want to do it," he explains quietly. "i mean, i can-"

"no, no, i got it."

he sighs and wraps his arms around my waist. "i know it's a lot, tyler. i can see you. i can hear you. yeah, i wonder, 'what happened to the man i married?' but he's still there. he's in there somewhere."

"can't tell if that's helping or making it worse."

his complexion turns sad, and he closes his eyes. "sorry."

i stay blank-faced and silent, trying to focus on his reflection and not mine. 

“i hope you realize,” he says, keeping his voice low, like i’m a child. “i’m trying to help. i’m doing the best i can for you.”

“i’m trying my best, too, and it’s showing that my best isn’t good enough,” i sigh, pulling myself away from him. his frown grows deeper, and his eyes darken slightly. he knows that i don’t like talking about it, or even thinking about it in general, so why would he bring it up? “i’m going to go get evie up. can you make coffee, or something?”

he stands there a second before scratching the back of his neck. “..yeah.”

i leave the bathroom, and i hear him follow and turn to the left as i turn to the right to go to the nursery.

as the days pass, i'm finding that i’m beginning to lose myself more and more. i'm growing less and less confident, as he pointed out. yes, i want to be the man he originally married. i want to be happy, for him, for her, for them, for me, but it’s getting closer to impossible then it likely.

i quietly open the door, and i clear my throat. the soft pink lights glow around the room, and i smile slightly. this might be the best part of my day, getting her up. she was always so happy, always smiling and laughing, doing it for me. she was being who i wanted her to be, and that was alright.

“evangeline, darling, are you up?” i say quietly as i walk across the carpeted floor to the crib. there’s a soft coo, and i lean over to see two big, brown, curious eyes looking back up at me. they light up as they recognize that it’s me, and she lets out a surprised giggle, flinging her arms up, desperate to be held. 

“why hello, cutie-pie!” i exclaim, feeling my smile grow bigger. the only time i was truly happy was when i was with her, especially in the mornings. my arms reach down and gently pick her up, and she giggles the entire way. “how’s my favorite doing this morning?”

i've learned that she likes to see him when she wakes up, too, so every morning i get her up and immediately take her to the kitchen, where he usually is, and occasionally to the bedroom to help wake him up. those mornings are usually the better ones, but they only happen once in a blue moon, so we go with what we got.

“are you ready to see daddy?" i ask her, placing her on my hip, looking down at her with a smile. she excitedly babbles back, and i take that as a yes. we start out to the kitchen, where i can smell something cooking already.

"tyler-" i hear him sigh irritably, and my body inside freezes up, but i keep moving, my baby beside me continuing to chatter.

"what's happened now?" i ask when we enter, and he points to the kitchen table. laying there is a glass of water and a bottle. my bottle, not evie's.

"you didn't take them, did you?" he asks quietly.

i stay focused on the bottle.

"tyler, why can't you just do it?" he asks, his voice getting scarier. "why can't you just swallow a pill? one little, tiny pill?"

"you don't know anything," i tell him, my voice low. "you don't get to make my decisions."

"i want what's best!'"

"bullshit! no you don't! you just want me to be happy, so you can live a fantastic little life, with your wonderful husband and amazing daughter, with no worries in the slightest!" i yell at him. evie looks up, her eyes wide, and i decide to put her in her seat in the living room.

"you really think that's what i want, huh?" he yells at me as i'm doing just that. "you really think that's all i care about?"

"yes!" i cry, my voice strained, as i make my way back into the kitchen. "that's all i ever get from you!"

"liar!"

"mm-mm." my body moves past him and to the drying rack in the sink, picking out one of evie's bottles, not one of mine, stored safely in cabinets far beyond her reach.

"why can't you see that you need this?" he snaps at me, and i try to ignore him, fighting back tears, as i go for the fridge.

"tyler, listen to me!"

a bottle hits my back.

"can't make me."

i open the fridge, totally ignoring the bottle of pills now rolling around on the floor.

"don't fucking say that to me," he growls, and i feel a tug upwards on the back of my collar. i continue with my task of getting juice for my daughter.

"say it, tyler."

i stay silent.

"say it."

the juice is pulled out of the fridge, and his hand is on the back of my neck now.

"one last chance."

i feel my heart start beating faster, and i can hear an upset whimper from evie.

his hand is almost around the front of my neck by the time i whisper out, "i'm sorry, joshua."

"thank you, sweet-pea," he says, his voice like silk again as he removes his hand. "can you remember to take your pills today?"

"yes, joshua," i whisper.

"thank you. now, do you want any pancakes?"

i finish pouring evie's juice and nod, trying not to look up. "yes, please."

my feet take me to her, my bouncing, bubbly girl, and i smile weakly at her, giving her her juice. she gives me a concerned look, but starts to suck on her bottle anyway.

t-minus twenty-four hours until tommorow. until another yelling match, until another wrong word, until another bomb.

t-minus twenty hours until dawn.