talking to the moon//h.s.

04

"are you going to the party this weekend?" madison asks, walking down the hallway to my locker.

"what party?" i ask, clueless as to what she's talking about.

i'm not surprised that i don't know, just upset that she would agree to go without asking me.

not that she has to tell me everything, it's just that i would tell her.

"stella's party. she gave me an invitation." she holds up a card and i shake my head.

of course.

"i didn't know there was a party." i open my locker and she sighs.

"you should ask her about it. maybe she forgot to give you an invite." she suggests and i nod softly.

•••

"hey! i heard you're throwing a party." i approach stella with confidence.

five months. it's been five months since i talked to her and this is what we're talking about.

"not for you." she quickly shuts me down and i nod, trying not to show that i'm hurt.

"right." i smile softly, walking to the bathroom.

"what was that?" harry asks, causing me to quickly shake my head.

"nothing."

i place my bag onto the floor and look in the mirror. what is wrong with me? why would they invite madison but not me?

"i'm so ugly." i pull at the skin on my face and stomach, wishing i could just cut it off and start over.

"what are you doing?" harry asks, sounding worried.

"nothing. leave me alone." i respond, angrily rolling my eyes.

i pick up my bag and walk out of the bathroom, straight out of the school. i decide to walk home and find a way to better my appearance so more people will like me.

•••

"hey, can we talk?" harry asks softly. i've taken a shower and cried in the mirror for a few hours now, and i can only assume that he more than likely heard me crying.

i almost refuse to answer him but i take the high road and respond.

"i'm busy." i try to push him away but he responds again.

i never said my response was nice.

"i'm here for you." he sighs, almost making me feel bad for being rude to him.

"i don't care." i roll my eyes, not wanting to show any signs of weakness to a complete stranger.

•••

"maryah!" my aunt calls out my name.

great, another headache bound to happen.

"what?" i respond, knowing that she wants me to come to her room.

"come here please!" she yells again, confirming my theory.

"coming." i quickly set the mirror, that i was judging my flaws in, down and walk to her room. "yeah?" i ask, opening the door.

"harry styles is in town." she smiles and i feel my heart stop. what if he really did come here to see me?

"i know." i lie, not wanting to seem like i don't care about him anymore.

"i got us tickets." she smiles even wider now, handing me two front row tickets to a harry styles concert. i stare at them in shock, not knowing how to respond.

"seriously?" i ask, not really wanting to go since i'll be the ugliest one there.

"i guess we'll get to meet after all." harry whispers, causing me to shake my head.

of course harry is happy, he's getting money.

what am i getting? body dysmorphia.

"great. thanks." i i thank my aunt for the tickets and leave her room.

when i get to my room i set the tickets down and quickly pace back and forth, trying to think of a way to get out of this.

i could say that i'm sick, but she just saw that i'm not. i could break my arm on purpose, but that would cause unnecessary pain.

what if i just run away? she might send out a search party but that's fine, i'll be friends with the crack lady down the street by the time they find me.

"maryah we're about to leave!" she calls out, and i hear her keys.

oh no. this isn't good. do i run away right now? what if i just act like i passed out?

i'm anemic so i can just stand up really fast.

"coming!" i call back before looking down at my hands nervously. "i have to find a way to get out of this." i mumble.

"oh come on, it'll be fun." harry responds and i roll my eyes.

great, i have shit head coming along too. i forgot i'm stuck with him.

"could you shut up?" i ask rhetorically.

"i'll be looking for you." he responds, clearly smiling.

no. close your eyes. act like you're blind.

"great." i sigh, grabbing the tickets and walking out of my room.

one day at a time maryah. take life one day at a time. jasper is proud of you. the concert will be good. it'll be a good night.

tonight is a good night.

manifestation hasn't let me down before so here's to the full moon.